Hit To The Gut

Growing up next to mountains during the winter meant countless opportunities to bond with snow. To this day I am still amazed how snow can add such a touch of beauty. But of course, as a kid I liked being in the snow rather than looking at it. Throw the fact in that I was in boy scouts with incredible leaders and that meant we spent a lot of time in the snowy mountains. One adventure, a leader had brought a klondike sled. No, this is not a sled made out of Klondike Bars, even though that does sound sublime. The best way to describe it is to think of a dogsled and boom there you go. It actually is a sled made for youth to do the pushing and pulling rather than a team of dogs. I believe now though I would prefer the team of dogs. We had a great time with that sled though. We would find any steep decline, point the sled to the bottom and shove off. Each one of us always looked for the steepest hill to out do each other. During the morning when things had died down a friend and I took the sled and found quite the steep hill. We decided that I would be on the back standing up and he would be sitting down in the middle. We pushed off and the adrenaline kicked in as I held tight to the horizontal bar in front of me about gut high. Snow began to fly by us as our speed picked up. I recall having the time of my life laughing and yelling and then it all came to a sudden stop ... literally. For whatever reason the nose of the sled went abruptly down causing the sled to come to an immediate stop. My body was thrust into the sled hitting the bar I had been hanging onto and then I fell to the ground. I remember hearing my friend laugh but I was in pain. I was terrified that I had broken ribs and was about to die since I couldn't breath. I gasped for air but nothing came. I had never felt this way before. My friend came up to me and saw how I was doing and started to yell for help. I tried to ask him for help and couldn't. I tried to yell with my friend and couldn't. A scout leader of ours was quickly at our side and looked things over. He realized that I had gotten the wind knocked out of me and assisted me with gradually beginning to breath again. After a minute or two of recovery time from our wreck we both stood up and looked at each other and knew we had to try it again!

Depression has a powerful way of constantly attacking your self worth and convincing you that you are all alone in this world. You question your purpose and what good you are doing. You question if people really do love you and think of you. You begin to lose any love you have for yourself. Happiness and Hope are flames that are constantly blown out as you wander in the darkness looking for some sort of relief. You feel at times like you are literally just hanging on to the edge not wanting to know what it means if you let go. You long for someone to stop by and tell you how much they love you and give you a hug but you don't want anyone to know about what you are experiencing. Mental illness is viewed in a different light somehow and you don't want to be seen in that light. I do know ... oh, how I know how badly you want someone to just say that they have been thinking of you and that they love you. Being reminded this over and over is so vital for people with depression.

Now I am doing to tread on some thin ice here but I believe it is important ... at least it is what I have learned and felt. This is not intended to hurt anyone but shed a little light. Wow, are you curious? Me too. As folks began to learn that I was struggling with something I was constantly told that if I needed anything to let them know. Now I know that the intention behind that offer was pure gold and I believe can be helpful to folks and I greatly appreciated it. Depression does put a little bit of a different light on it though. If we are struggling with believing people out there love us we aren't going to ask to be told that. Small acts of love go such a long way and means more than anyone can know. I have shed many tears from something as simple as smile and a whisper telling me they were thinking of me. I can tell you that as depression has constantly beat on me over and over to the point where I felt like I had nothing left those small acts of love gave hope, happiness and even the ability to breath again.