Ready, Set, Set, Set ...

In my youth I never had a fondness for Doctors or Dentists. Some may say that those feelings have never left, which I would concur. When I was starting to fight a cold and I would begin to cough I did all I could to make sure my mom wouldn't hear. But of course, as magic as moms are her listening ability was amazing and I would get asked, "was that you coughing Kenny?" Of course I would deny it was me because I knew what the potential it would bring ... going to the doctor. As the cough would get worse she would tell me the words I didn't want to hear, "time to go see the doctor." My strategy for tooth pain was very similar. Of course, she couldn't hear the pain but it became quite obvious as I began to eat on one side of my mouth or I will admit there were the times when the tooth pain became just too much and I had to cave in. Now for whatever reason my doctor and dentist had their offices in the same area. They were both on the second floor and we would always take the old cement stairs. I recall looking at each step thinking how everyone I took got me closer to the dreaded pain and fear. As we visited the doctor he would always look at my mom and tell her that a penicillin shot would take care of it. When he left the room and shut the wooden door behind him I would stare at the door knowing what was next. I would have do drop my trousers and get a shot in the backyard and then smile and say it didn't hurt a bit knowing how much it really did hurt. All I would do was focus and focus and focus on that wooden door. Everything else around me was in slow motion. I couldn't enjoy a thing. After the dentist did his quick inspection and informed me that I needed some work he would leave me sitting in the chair all alone. I would hear him walking around getting closer to the door and then passing it. I knew that sooner than later he would come in and that sound of the drill would begin, which was a great prelude to here comes the pain. I would sit there with beads of sweat on my forehead only focusing on hearing his footsteps. I couldn't enjoy a thing. Later down the road though I did learn to sniff in as much of the funny gas I could. Every time my dentist would tell me slow down or simply tell me I had had enough. He couldn't let me enjoy a thing.

Have you ever heard of the lovely five year plan? Where do you want to be in five years and how are you going to get there detail by detail? There also is the saying, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." All good insights right? Well, add depression to the mix and these can become one's true kryptonite. As depression began to kick my tail I would find myself thinking a lot about the future. Needless to say with severe depression and attempting to literally survive the day areas of income needed to be shifted around. I would lay in bed or look out the window and just think about how I wasn't planning because I couldn't. Did that mean I was a failure? My five year plan turned into a one day plan and at times a one hour plan. I still thought a lot about the future and let the feelings of despair and frustration begin to eat me alive. The thing is that depression was already doing that so I didn't have much left to give. When hope is vanishing all one can think about is the worst case scenarios for the future and living them in my mind over and over was / is pure hell. Things around me were fleeting at best. All I could do was think about the future. My psychologist has been fantastic with helping me see that as I would do that I was truly letting in my kryptonite into my life and needed to be patient with me. This is something I work on daily and it is hard! I live my daily plan and hope at the end of the day I can feel good about it. I truly struggle though with events that take me out of my norm even if it is as simple as going to a party. My sweet wife has been so patient with me as I tell her I want to go to a certain event and then at the last minute get too overwhelmed with all the details I think will come with it. I feel like a runner that is in "set" mode trying to begin running but doesn't or can't and it is so frustrating! I have been told to take things step by step, which makes sense but made me feel like I always had to be taking immediate steps. I have learned that sometimes a step may take some months, weeks or a longer time period and when it happens celebrate the crap out of it! Patience with depression is hard because there is no given time when it will end or if it does end. I'm striving to not focus so much on the "shots" or the "drills" but really on something I may do good everyday, which is not easy. And maybe someday I will be able to say ready, set ... go!