Will You Go With Me?

I have to admit that in grade school I had several crushes on girls. My first "girlfriend" was in kindergarten. I don't recall her name but I was delighted when she agreed to be my girl. The only stipulation she gave was that it would only last for half an hour. That was an awesome half hour because I could say that I had a girl friend. As I grew older and was still in grade school I was introduced to the idea of the invitation note. You know, the one that reads something like. "Amy, I think you are cute. Will you be my girl friend?" On the bottom of the note one would make two boxes ... one that had a "yes" by it and one that had a "no" by it. I used this clever way several times and most of the time they would come back with an additional box that was made by the girl with a "maybe" by it. That was always troubling and quite irritating to be frank. If I wanted her to answer "maybe" I would have included said box. Then there were the times when the note came back with that magical "x" in the "yes" box. What happened next and would last for days on end would be that we would totally ignore each other. If we saw each other we would smile but not say anything. If our friends made us stand next to each other during recess the awkwardness would be so thick no earthly thing could cut it. Then came along sixth grade. I had a crush on a girl I will call Sandy and I hadn't let it been made know to my friends or through "the note" so we were actually talking with one another. One day Sandy told me that she had heard that another girl I will call Jane had a crush on me and that I should ask Jane to be my girlfriend. So like any young boy would do that had a crush on a girl I told Sandy okay because I was in a mind set of doing anything to please her. Sandy even challenged me to ask Jane face to face and not use a note ... and of course I said, "sure." I really had no idea what to say so Sandy told me to just simply say, "Will you go with me?" Apparently that was the way to ask a girl to be your girlfriend. I was scared to death but again my allegiance to my feelings of trying to impress Sandy was strong. During the day the class was given some free time and with the urging of Sandy I approached Jane and asked her if I could talk with her. She agreed and we went to the back of the classroom. I went straight to the point without beating around the bush and asked her, "Will you go with me?" Jane looked a bit confused and then asked, "where?" I had to back step a bit being taken back by her answer but then explained my question. She did tell me yes and so the awkwardness began.

I have often heard folks say never look back but keep looking ahead. To be honest that statement has always brought me confusion. I see the point of not wallowing in the past mistakes of life but isn't it important to learn from history especially are own individual history? As my world began to be turned upside down and my mind to run off kilter immensely I had never felt so alone in my life. I was VERY fortunate to have one close to me that knew what I was going through and was there to help anyway he could. His insights were helpful but the most helpful thing of all was knowing that there was someone out there knowing what I was growing through and that I wasn't completely alone. As my depression and anxiety came to a head I had so much doubt in everything, so much confusion, so much pain, so much loneliness, so much darkness, my energy was gone, I felt my purpose was long gone ... I felt like I had lost any value and could be easily tossed to the curb. My heart hurts for those that are just beginning to experience this. Those that have just been diagnosed with depression or those that are wondering what on earth is happening to them and why they feel the way they do. The loneliness can come so quickly and does a heck of a job convincing you that you are the only one dealing with this and you have no idea what to do. All you know is that you just want it to end. Let me tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS! I can tell you that there is a Divine love for you but I understand that with your world upside down and so dark that you are confused why that doesn't help as much as it used to. Don't be ashamed for feeling that!! Depression can create deep powerful dark emotions that for me led to me to doubt everything. I have walked through that thick tar and I can say I have found a love from Him I had no idea existed, but it took time and it took work. For now, know that there are many that secretly fight depression that love you and support you and are cheering you on. Know that as you try to look forward at the questionable journey ahead and if you asked me, "Will you go with me" I would say absolutely friend!

Yet, They Forget

I was fortunate enough to grow up with a good group of friends. We were in scouts together, went to the same church ... even our scout leaders and church leaders were the same and came to know us very well. When I was a young teenager a family moved in our neighborhood and they had a boy about all our same age. We took him in and got to know him pretty well ... I will call him Rick for the sake of this blog. Now Rick was one of those guys that would do almost anything you dared him to do. This was a good thing and a bad thing. We got plenty of laughs, including him laughing, but there were many times he pushed the envelope too much with that thing they call safety. Anytime we went on an outing our leaders would have to keep an eye on him to make sure he wasn't doing anything too crazy. We loved the guy though and became quite close. You can imagine our surprise when one day we were told that Rick was getting off a city bus and went to cross the street and was hit by a truck going 40 miles per hour. He was severely injured including some brain damage. He wasn't able to talk and there was some question if he could even understand what was said to him. Our leaders informed us that they wanted us to go visit him to boost his spirits. We were terrified ... I was terrified. How was I supposed to go see my friend like this? What on earth was I supposed to say if he couldn't understand me? How were we going to have a conversation if I was the only speaking? I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to do this. Our leaders were very understanding yet explained how helpful this may be to Rick. They suggested that we draw pictures of our favorite memories of him and take them with us. Imagine ten teenage boys using crayons drawing pictures. It felt strange but we did it. In fact, I believe if I remember right all pictures were of something crazy he had done. As we made it to the hospital my heart was racing. I had my picture but I had no idea what to say. I could feel the sweat on my forehead and hands. We all gathered outside of his room and the nurse let us in. Laying on the bed hooked to all sorts of tubes and wires was Rick. It took us all off guard. His eyes lightened up as he saw us though. As we showed him our pictures he smiled and reacted with excitement. He even laughed a couple of times. He even smiled at me and my picture. It was so hard to see him like that but seeing him smile was so worth stepping out of my comfort zone. A week or so later we were sadly informed that Rick had died. I will never forget his smile.

Have you ever said hi to someone one and they knowingly ignored you? Have you ever made plans with someone and they dogged you on purpose or "forgot." Have you ever had someone say they will help you with something and then tell you "no"? Have you ever had someone say they had your back but watch them knowingly stick a knife in your back? Have you ever asked for help and got no response? I would guess yes and it hurts deeply. Add someone that is fighting with depression and having these things happen can be literally devastating. Yet, no one sees. We "look" okay because we don't have a cast on our head or don't have an I.V. stuck in our arm to remind people that we are hurt and suffering. There is nothing that shows the hell we are going through, the battle in our mind ... the thoughts of escape from the torment. The only way people know what we are going through is telling them or someone that knows tells another. When we run into them there is no visible sign of our torture and overtime they easily forget. Even those closest to you don't see the demons you fight over and over and they can get eventually callused to what is going on. They may even let you down when you ask for help. Yes, people are human and aren't perfect. Thus, those closest to you will fail you. I am a Christian and believe in my perfect Savior and know that he won't fail me ... yet it is tough to feel His love when I am consumed with darkness. You may be thinking "wow, dude that is a dark scene you are portraying." I would answer, "yep." There are so many with depression that literally suffer. To them, I would say you are not alone. That island you think you are on by yourself is full of others just like you. I'm sitting right next to you having a horrible day with you. I may not see you or know who you are but just knowing you are there is helpful some how. To those that may be nervous of talking to folks like us. We aren't asking you to fix us or give us advice. We just want to have our spirits lifted and you have no idea how your simple visit, text, email or whatever helps so much. If you don't know what to do, break out the crayons and draw a picture of your favorite memory. I guarantee you will see a smile! 

Hit To The Gut

Growing up next to mountains during the winter meant countless opportunities to bond with snow. To this day I am still amazed how snow can add such a touch of beauty. But of course, as a kid I liked being in the snow rather than looking at it. Throw the fact in that I was in boy scouts with incredible leaders and that meant we spent a lot of time in the snowy mountains. One adventure, a leader had brought a klondike sled. No, this is not a sled made out of Klondike Bars, even though that does sound sublime. The best way to describe it is to think of a dogsled and boom there you go. It actually is a sled made for youth to do the pushing and pulling rather than a team of dogs. I believe now though I would prefer the team of dogs. We had a great time with that sled though. We would find any steep decline, point the sled to the bottom and shove off. Each one of us always looked for the steepest hill to out do each other. During the morning when things had died down a friend and I took the sled and found quite the steep hill. We decided that I would be on the back standing up and he would be sitting down in the middle. We pushed off and the adrenaline kicked in as I held tight to the horizontal bar in front of me about gut high. Snow began to fly by us as our speed picked up. I recall having the time of my life laughing and yelling and then it all came to a sudden stop ... literally. For whatever reason the nose of the sled went abruptly down causing the sled to come to an immediate stop. My body was thrust into the sled hitting the bar I had been hanging onto and then I fell to the ground. I remember hearing my friend laugh but I was in pain. I was terrified that I had broken ribs and was about to die since I couldn't breath. I gasped for air but nothing came. I had never felt this way before. My friend came up to me and saw how I was doing and started to yell for help. I tried to ask him for help and couldn't. I tried to yell with my friend and couldn't. A scout leader of ours was quickly at our side and looked things over. He realized that I had gotten the wind knocked out of me and assisted me with gradually beginning to breath again. After a minute or two of recovery time from our wreck we both stood up and looked at each other and knew we had to try it again!

Depression has a powerful way of constantly attacking your self worth and convincing you that you are all alone in this world. You question your purpose and what good you are doing. You question if people really do love you and think of you. You begin to lose any love you have for yourself. Happiness and Hope are flames that are constantly blown out as you wander in the darkness looking for some sort of relief. You feel at times like you are literally just hanging on to the edge not wanting to know what it means if you let go. You long for someone to stop by and tell you how much they love you and give you a hug but you don't want anyone to know about what you are experiencing. Mental illness is viewed in a different light somehow and you don't want to be seen in that light. I do know ... oh, how I know how badly you want someone to just say that they have been thinking of you and that they love you. Being reminded this over and over is so vital for people with depression.

Now I am doing to tread on some thin ice here but I believe it is important ... at least it is what I have learned and felt. This is not intended to hurt anyone but shed a little light. Wow, are you curious? Me too. As folks began to learn that I was struggling with something I was constantly told that if I needed anything to let them know. Now I know that the intention behind that offer was pure gold and I believe can be helpful to folks and I greatly appreciated it. Depression does put a little bit of a different light on it though. If we are struggling with believing people out there love us we aren't going to ask to be told that. Small acts of love go such a long way and means more than anyone can know. I have shed many tears from something as simple as smile and a whisper telling me they were thinking of me. I can tell you that as depression has constantly beat on me over and over to the point where I felt like I had nothing left those small acts of love gave hope, happiness and even the ability to breath again.