The Magic Box

If you know anything about me you know that I am a huge fan of Christmas. If you don't know me it wouldn't take you too long to figure it out. Yep, Christmas music all year long. I have such fond memories of Christmas growing up. My sweet mom went to tremendous lengths to make it magical for her kids and she was always so successful. I recall one Christmas when technology entered our house. Santa brought to our home a Computer and some magic box called a Microwave. The computer was pretty cool. An older brother of mine did all sorts of stuff with it but it came alive to me when I found out we could plug in our joy sticks from the Atari and play games. The computer just wasn't my thing though ... perhaps that's why I am so awesome with computers. Now, the microwave was a thing of beauty. I was amazed that I could take some Hickory Farms cheese, place it on a cracker and put it in this microwave thing and boom melted cheese within seconds. Oh and then to be able to heat up water for hot chocolate. Wow. You had to be kidding me! No more freezing your tookus off while waiting for water to boil on the stove. I probably drove my sweet mom crazy by all the "cooking" I did that Christmas day ... if you call melting cheese on a cracker cooking. I had no clue behind the logic of how it actually worked but to me it was hitting a couple of buttons and then ... heaven.

I have felt so many frustrations as I have fought severe depression. The thick darkness was / is so consuming and as I began to fight back I felt like I lost 99.9% of the battles. Why does one want to keep fighting with that incredible winning ratio? I was meeting with my psychologist and what he was saying and teaching me made perfect logical sense but applying it or striving to live it was a whole other thing. I began to get so frustrated because it was all so clear of what coping techniques I needed to do or how I needed to change some way of thinking but actually doing them was something I simply couldn't do. I saw the benefit of them but depression has a powerful way of holding you down like a heavy anchor. The line of "can't" and "not trying" became very blurred to me. I really began to give up in myself because I felt like I wasn't trying. "What good am I if I can't even try" would echo through out my mind and heart. Life is so dark when you feel you have lost your purpose and don't love yourself. I honestly don't know when the shift in thought began to happen but I began to see and realize that it wasn't a lack of effort but the illness. I can't tell you how or why but all I can say is that depression for me is like running the mile in deep thick tar. Progress happens but can be so slow! My psychologist asked me the other day what I would tell myself if I was able to give me advice starting all over. I simply said "patience". Even though things are so fast with results these days, like a beautiful thing like a Microwave. I am striving to be comfortable with knowing warming up water for hot chocolate on the stove is okay.