I love to play the board game Monopoly but haven't played for years. Growing up my older brothers and I played this game a lot. Being the youngest I didn't get to be the one in charge of the money and properties that much but when I did it was like magic. Not sure really why ... perhaps the love of playing with the money, but I loved it. One day one of my older brothers and I were playing and we came to a conclusion that using all the houses and hotels simply was not enough. So, we gave it some thought and decided to introduce legos to the mix. Before long, we had tall skyscrapers on each property all being connected somehow. A city of its own had been created right there on the board. Everytime you took a turn you were literally wiped out financially but we had created loans and credit so it was all good. Plus, all you had to do was wait for your oppenent to take his turn and then you were out of the red. It was like black friday every time they took their turn. The person that could hold out the longest playing won rather than the one with the most money. My wife and I played once when we had been married for a couple of years. The game lasted for six hours. Needless to say we haven't played since. In fact, that was the last time I played.
I'm not sure if it all started with my love for playing Monopoly but I loved "playing with money." I was also faciniated with the downtown culture and the corner office. For whatever reason, in my mind if you had those you had made it in life. I dipped my toe slightly in that culture and felt alright about things. Things were pretty good. I felt I knew who I was and where I was going.
As depression hit it took over my life. Yes, the days were / are countless of fighting to simply get up and move but there is more than that. I began to lose who I was literally. I tried to be me but the darkness of depression grabbed on holding tighter and tighter and I began to question and doubt everything about me. Even my simple core beliefs came into question like my faith in God and even my love for my wife. I had no idea why. I simply didn't like me. I would look at pictures of me and just cry wanting to be that guy again but depression constantly fought to convince me that I never would. Before depression hit I was always a believer that our actions defined who we are. If that is the case then someone battling mental illness who struggles to do anything either has no defintion or is simply not much at all. And of course, when you have depression you believe both and it is ugly. It truly is tiring to analyze everything you do and why but for whatever reason I do now. I am coming to learn that the reasons why we do anything is more important rather than just letting actions define us. Status is something where we do actions over and over because it is viewed as something that makes us important ... like a downtown corner office. I used to do things out of fear or obligation. Not so much anymore. I do it because I want to and I want to because I do it out of love. I believe how you love is what defines you.
Now I am not a fan of onions nor like to kiss folks that have recently eaten onions but what I dislike the most is when someone tells me it is time to peel back the layers of the onion to reveal more about me. Yes, I have been peeling away and talking and talking and talking. I still struggle with who I am but I am taking steps. I look back at those Monopoly days of being a kid and have realized that it was fun playing with money but I believe the magic was more of a love of older brothers letting their little brother have a turn of being in charge.
No comments:
Post a Comment