What Happens When 2+2 Doesn't Equal 4 Anymore?

Yep, I have to admit that in Elementary School I had a deep love for math. Most of my friends at that time would say "lunch" or "recess" was their favorite subject. I would say that too if there were any cute girls around, but truth be told I loved math. I actually looked forward to "larger" problems. Bring on the four digit or five digit long division! That's right, I said long division. No calculator or anything. There was a guy in my class that had a calculator watch, which was cool in theory, but when he let me take a look at it and try it, those buttons were just too small. So on came Junior High and I was taught that the letters "x" and "y" wanted to participate in math. A little weird, but it all worked out. As I climbed the educational ladder, my love for math started to decline quickly. It seems like the whole alphabet wanted to participate in math and numerous "laws of math" came in the picture too. I think numbers got the raw end of the deal. Letters seemed a bit like a bully. I mean when do you see numbers becoming part of a word. Sure they are part of codes and things, but you don't see a word like 7hello5. It may give truer meaning, one may say. What about pronouncing it? Well of course, the numbers are silent, one may answer. Really? Oh and my absolute favorite reasoning by a teacher to do math, "You will use this on later in life." Most of the painful theorems and laws ... not so much for me! Now I know that many folks use math in their careers and that the "laws of math" have helped create incredible improvements in life. That's cool. For some, it bogs down and clogs the reasoning of math and for me at times even question if 2+2 truly equaled 4 or if some letters could be used to even give more meaning.

I miss being happy. I truly have learned to appreciate in a profound way the emotion and feeling of happiness. Before mental illness set in I was asked a lot why I was happy. That and being called "mam" in the drive through a lot ... that will have to be another story. When asked why I was so happy, I really didn't have an answer, except that I loved life. It was that simple. Sure, I feel happiness now ... mostly spotty glimpses, some longer than others and I believe there are numerous reasons why. Anxiety and Depression are always unwelcome guests that show up whenever they want and don't politely tell you when they will leave. When they come, it's so much more about being sad. I read the other day one of the best descriptions about the feelings and emotions they bring. It's like the feeling when you trip losing your balance and you don't know if you are going to regain your balance or fall and get seriously injured ... that feeling of despair. Then throw on the feeling that every decision you make carries the heavy weight of it being life or death ... that permanent. When I began fighting Depression and Anxiety I felt like I was doing something wrong putting my life out of sorts. I wasn't happy so I must being doing something wrong. I would evaluate my life and think about the things that make me happy. I would go through every single one and couldn't find happiness. I even made sure my life was in order with my Maker and still no happiness. It had to be me and man I must have really messed up if I'm not feeling happiness with my Maker. That was and is the one truth I always hang my hat on ... and if that starts to shake, well let me just say the word despair doesn't give it any justice of meaning.

Man, I really painted quite the uplifting picture there, but mental illness isn't about feeling uplifted though. I don't have all the answers, but I can say that I've learned to know that when despair and darkness come from my depression and consumes me, it's not my fault! If you are fighting mental illness, please know that those feelings of darkness are not because of you! Mental illness is just that .,. it's an illness. Give yourself a break of feeling responsible! When you do so, it doesn't mean that "poof" it's gone, but I can tell you for me it's allowed me to focus more on spending the energy on coping and working through it. And sometimes coping is taking everything down to just the basics. For me it's I'm human and have a Maker above. Even this though is just a fight in itself. But that fight is worth it! As in any fight you get kicked around and beaten up, but there are also moments when you are winning! When you're winning enjoy those moments of happiness! If you keep fighting you begin to learn through experience about the demons of depression and how to handle their different strategies. There is no time clock on this though! It's different for everyone. Yet, through the experience of the fighting means more glimpses of happiness. There may be days, weeks or even months between these glimpses, but they come! Oh, the fight is real and I know it's a brutal fight that no one really sees. At first I wanted to have it all figured out and fixed in one day and really still have that desire when I get frustrated, but it's overwhelming. Starting the day with taking it back to the basics and even doing that 10, 20 30+ times a day is helping me learn how to cope ... not get rid of, but cope. For me I'm finding that when I focus more on coping and not focus on fixing "this" or getting rid of "that" , there are more glimpses of happiness.  

Hit To The Gut

Growing up next to mountains during the winter meant countless opportunities to bond with snow. To this day I am still amazed how snow can add such a touch of beauty. But of course, as a kid I liked being in the snow rather than looking at it. Throw the fact in that I was in boy scouts with incredible leaders and that meant we spent a lot of time in the snowy mountains. One adventure, a leader had brought a klondike sled. No, this is not a sled made out of Klondike Bars, even though that does sound sublime. The best way to describe it is to think of a dogsled and boom there you go. It actually is a sled made for youth to do the pushing and pulling rather than a team of dogs. I believe now though I would prefer the team of dogs. We had a great time with that sled though. We would find any steep decline, point the sled to the bottom and shove off. Each one of us always looked for the steepest hill to out do each other. During the morning when things had died down a friend and I took the sled and found quite the steep hill. We decided that I would be on the back standing up and he would be sitting down in the middle. We pushed off and the adrenaline kicked in as I held tight to the horizontal bar in front of me about gut high. Snow began to fly by us as our speed picked up. I recall having the time of my life laughing and yelling and then it all came to a sudden stop ... literally. For whatever reason the nose of the sled went abruptly down causing the sled to come to an immediate stop. My body was thrust into the sled hitting the bar I had been hanging onto and then I fell to the ground. I remember hearing my friend laugh but I was in pain. I was terrified that I had broken ribs and was about to die since I couldn't breath. I gasped for air but nothing came. I had never felt this way before. My friend came up to me and saw how I was doing and started to yell for help. I tried to ask him for help and couldn't. I tried to yell with my friend and couldn't. A scout leader of ours was quickly at our side and looked things over. He realized that I had gotten the wind knocked out of me and assisted me with gradually beginning to breath again. After a minute or two of recovery time from our wreck we both stood up and looked at each other and knew we had to try it again!

Depression has a powerful way of constantly attacking your self worth and convincing you that you are all alone in this world. You question your purpose and what good you are doing. You question if people really do love you and think of you. You begin to lose any love you have for yourself. Happiness and Hope are flames that are constantly blown out as you wander in the darkness looking for some sort of relief. You feel at times like you are literally just hanging on to the edge not wanting to know what it means if you let go. You long for someone to stop by and tell you how much they love you and give you a hug but you don't want anyone to know about what you are experiencing. Mental illness is viewed in a different light somehow and you don't want to be seen in that light. I do know ... oh, how I know how badly you want someone to just say that they have been thinking of you and that they love you. Being reminded this over and over is so vital for people with depression.

Now I am doing to tread on some thin ice here but I believe it is important ... at least it is what I have learned and felt. This is not intended to hurt anyone but shed a little light. Wow, are you curious? Me too. As folks began to learn that I was struggling with something I was constantly told that if I needed anything to let them know. Now I know that the intention behind that offer was pure gold and I believe can be helpful to folks and I greatly appreciated it. Depression does put a little bit of a different light on it though. If we are struggling with believing people out there love us we aren't going to ask to be told that. Small acts of love go such a long way and means more than anyone can know. I have shed many tears from something as simple as smile and a whisper telling me they were thinking of me. I can tell you that as depression has constantly beat on me over and over to the point where I felt like I had nothing left those small acts of love gave hope, happiness and even the ability to breath again.