Ah, the fantastic positive word "yes." The word used to answer the question of marriage and to start a potential meaningful life together. The word used to commit that you will begin making the small choices that will turn around your life for the better. The word used to help your neighbor that needs help moving or raking leaves. The word used when a friend calls and asks if you can come over and talk. The word used as a name for a band that really isn't that bad. The word used early Christmas mornings when your children are asking if they can see if Santa has come yet. The word used when your teenager is a legal driver and they ask for the keys to the car for the first time. The word used when your young children ask "will you always love mommy?" Then comes that awful negative word "no." The word used when a young teenage boy gets his courage up to ask the "hottie" in school to be his girlfriend. The word used when you get your first speeding ticket and you ask the nice police officer if he/she can just let you off with a warning. The word used when a young child asks if school has been cancelled because it snowed ... or threatened to snow for NC folks. The word that crushes a heart when a marriage is coming to an end and the wife asks her husband if he still loves her. My entire young life I have always associated "yes" with being positive and "no" as negative. I will grant that saying "yes" to drugs rather than "no" throws it off a tad; however, overall I wanted to be a positive person in life so that lovely three letter word "yes" was my friend and I said it often.
As the darkness of depression hit I really began to loathe the word "yes." I really hated it for a number of reasons. I disliked it because I was beginning to look back in my life and see what kind of "yes man" I had become. Now, I'm not talking about saying yes to a dude that asked me to do drugs. I'm talking about saying "yes" to pretty much any request I would get from church, work, friends, family ... and the list goes on. But wait, isn't saying "yes" such a positive thing? Doesn't saying "yes" to folks and helping them bring you happiness? I disliked saying "yes" because I couldn't say otherwise. To this day if a person asks me for a favor or what have you my first intention is to say "yep" or usually "sure." I don't know why I struggle with it so badly. I disliked saying "yes" because I knew 99% of the time I wouldn't do what I said I would. I may have really wanted to help but when it came time my mind would come up with all sorts of concerns that would convince me otherwise. Plus I didn't want to say "well I really can't because I am fighting depression, anxiety and ocd." Even after putting this blog out and letting the world know my fight I still struggle immensely with giving a "reason" right on the spot of why I may not be able to do something. Thus, my friend "yes" and I aren't real good comrades at this moment.
While experiencing the comfort of the leather couch and talking with my psychologist and answering my favorite questions, "why do you think ..." or "what do you think ..." he helped me realize a cycle I still fight this day. How bad I wish it was a tricycle but not so much. Fighting depression amongst the crowds that have no idea of what is going on sucks. Favors, requests, questions always are asked and like I said I would always say "yes" while pretty sure I knew I wouldn't do it. I would feel a huge amount of anxiety before the time came I was supposed to help and then I wouldn't show and guilt would literally take me over. I would relentlessly pound myself left and right with thoughts: "What kind of friend are you? That person would never do that to you. Your word is your bond. If you can't keep your word, what good are you? You call yourself Christian?" I could keep going but I think you get the point. Guilt would hang on me heavy for a day or two and then I would sink into a deeper depression not wanting to go anywhere. If I don't go out or answer my phone then people can't ask me to do stuff, right? And then it would happen again. Someone would ask for something and I would say "sure" even though I knew what was coming next ... torment and hell. Through tons of meetings with my psychologist and working a lot of things on my own I am getting to the point where I can say that it is still a struggle for me but not as horrific as it has been. I have learned a couple of things for me ... that help me with this. I have learned that saying "yep" to me is crucial ... you know the empty bucket thing. With that though, I have learned that the word "no" isn't that ugly of a guy. He and I have actually become friends. I have learned that saying "no" is actually allowing me to say "yes" to better things in my life and that is okay!!!! It is sad, but there are people out there that will always ask for things until they are told "no." Even if it makes the other party uneasy. To that I say, "really?!!" I am comfortable with my friend "no" and the strange thing is as while I have used him more I have found that I am able to say "yes" a little and be okay!!
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