Perception Isn't Reality

In my history of employment I worked in a service oriented industry. I enjoyed helping out folks that needed assistance. I particularly enjoyed the experience when they came in quite distraught but left happy. I felt like I had accomplished something that added happiness to someones life like I had made an impact. As with any service industry there is a desire to know how the clients are thinking about the service you are offering. I personally felt like I always had a good idea because they would tell it to my face. Either they thanked me for the help with a smile or told me of their displeasure in a loud voice. Yet, surveys were put into place. I was amazed how over time the interest in taking the time to assist a client shifted to more of the interest in how our service was "scored." Rather than be concerned about what the customers issue was the focus shifted to be more concerned how they would rate us. And then the beastly saying was introduced ... perception is reality.You know, if the client doesn't have every one's attention when they need help they may feel that the reality is our service is bad. Let me paint the picture here. I may be in an office assisting a customer resolving a worry of theirs and bringing them peace. Yet, there also may be a client that is being impatient waiting for my help. What is the reality here? Am I being extremely helpful or extremely rude? One may say it depends who you ask. I would calmly answer crossing my arms making an x and doing the Family Feud x noise. The reality is what I am doing. Because someone may see it differently doesn't mean it changes the actual reality. Let's say I am given a very expensive pen. I may look at that pen and think, "wow that pen is very expensive I must be wealthy." I can guarantee you that if I went and looked at my checking account my balance would be the same as it was before I got the pen ... reality wasn't magically changed. If that was the case I would be asking for expensive pens all the time.

I find that I wear a lot of masks. Rarely is it when I have my mask off showing truly how I am feeling. Others perception of me may be really off if they see me smiling and "having fun" but most of the time it isn't reality. Yes, I understand that makes it tough on folks that may try to help; yet, with depression comes vulnerability. With depression being completely open to others is like someone going to battle in the buff. We wouldn't last long. I even have to admit that with even wearing a mask we can take quite the hits. I have had negative comments about my hair length or about the Coke I was drinking. I have had folks make comments that I know better. Honestly, when trying to discover yourself again that "know better" meter is taking a beating. Sad to say, even people that know I fight depression say things that are hurtful. The pain is real but I strive to explain it off that they just don't know how to act around people with depression. The mask is a two edged sword. In some ways it can be that thick skin you need to handle situations or comments but on the other hand if you look happy, you must be happy right?

I am slowly learning that there is another side of the nickle to perception being reality with depression. When buried in darkness seeing no end the feeling of having or experiencing any kind of joy ever again is completely gone. If you aren't suffering from depression take a moment and imagine what it would be like to never think you would feel joy ever again. Miserable suffering doesn't seem to do the description justice. I remember not long ago when I was hanging out with my cool kids and was laughing so hard I thought I was going to wet my pants. I paused for a moment and realized what was happening. I almost began to cry. I was feeling an emotion that I hadn't felt for months. It was a moment of happiness. I wanted to bottle that up and keep it forever. With my experience of severe depression I have had a couple of those moments yet they seem so fleeting. I know I fight the dark negative deception that they will never happen again yet I hold on to the hope that in reality they will.