Will You Go With Me?

I have to admit that in grade school I had several crushes on girls. My first "girlfriend" was in kindergarten. I don't recall her name but I was delighted when she agreed to be my girl. The only stipulation she gave was that it would only last for half an hour. That was an awesome half hour because I could say that I had a girl friend. As I grew older and was still in grade school I was introduced to the idea of the invitation note. You know, the one that reads something like. "Amy, I think you are cute. Will you be my girl friend?" On the bottom of the note one would make two boxes ... one that had a "yes" by it and one that had a "no" by it. I used this clever way several times and most of the time they would come back with an additional box that was made by the girl with a "maybe" by it. That was always troubling and quite irritating to be frank. If I wanted her to answer "maybe" I would have included said box. Then there were the times when the note came back with that magical "x" in the "yes" box. What happened next and would last for days on end would be that we would totally ignore each other. If we saw each other we would smile but not say anything. If our friends made us stand next to each other during recess the awkwardness would be so thick no earthly thing could cut it. Then came along sixth grade. I had a crush on a girl I will call Sandy and I hadn't let it been made know to my friends or through "the note" so we were actually talking with one another. One day Sandy told me that she had heard that another girl I will call Jane had a crush on me and that I should ask Jane to be my girlfriend. So like any young boy would do that had a crush on a girl I told Sandy okay because I was in a mind set of doing anything to please her. Sandy even challenged me to ask Jane face to face and not use a note ... and of course I said, "sure." I really had no idea what to say so Sandy told me to just simply say, "Will you go with me?" Apparently that was the way to ask a girl to be your girlfriend. I was scared to death but again my allegiance to my feelings of trying to impress Sandy was strong. During the day the class was given some free time and with the urging of Sandy I approached Jane and asked her if I could talk with her. She agreed and we went to the back of the classroom. I went straight to the point without beating around the bush and asked her, "Will you go with me?" Jane looked a bit confused and then asked, "where?" I had to back step a bit being taken back by her answer but then explained my question. She did tell me yes and so the awkwardness began.

I have often heard folks say never look back but keep looking ahead. To be honest that statement has always brought me confusion. I see the point of not wallowing in the past mistakes of life but isn't it important to learn from history especially are own individual history? As my world began to be turned upside down and my mind to run off kilter immensely I had never felt so alone in my life. I was VERY fortunate to have one close to me that knew what I was going through and was there to help anyway he could. His insights were helpful but the most helpful thing of all was knowing that there was someone out there knowing what I was growing through and that I wasn't completely alone. As my depression and anxiety came to a head I had so much doubt in everything, so much confusion, so much pain, so much loneliness, so much darkness, my energy was gone, I felt my purpose was long gone ... I felt like I had lost any value and could be easily tossed to the curb. My heart hurts for those that are just beginning to experience this. Those that have just been diagnosed with depression or those that are wondering what on earth is happening to them and why they feel the way they do. The loneliness can come so quickly and does a heck of a job convincing you that you are the only one dealing with this and you have no idea what to do. All you know is that you just want it to end. Let me tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS! I can tell you that there is a Divine love for you but I understand that with your world upside down and so dark that you are confused why that doesn't help as much as it used to. Don't be ashamed for feeling that!! Depression can create deep powerful dark emotions that for me led to me to doubt everything. I have walked through that thick tar and I can say I have found a love from Him I had no idea existed, but it took time and it took work. For now, know that there are many that secretly fight depression that love you and support you and are cheering you on. Know that as you try to look forward at the questionable journey ahead and if you asked me, "Will you go with me" I would say absolutely friend!