Escape

When I was three years old my father left this world and headed off to the next one. I have few memories of him and of the funeral. Looking at the pictures of the funeral it is obvious that I really had no clue what was going on and the magnitude of the effect it would have on my life. Growing up the loss that I began to feel was created by seeing what dads did with their families and their kids. The loss wasn't created by losing a dad because at three years old I really didn't know what that meant. The good news was that I was born into an incredible family. I have amazing siblings and an amazing mom that went back to school getting her degree and getting a job to take care of her young family. We became very close very young because all we had at times was each other. Being the youngest brought what I like to call having both cakes and eating them two. First there is the cake of getting spoiled. Yep, I said it. Now notice I said, "getting spoiled" not I was spoiled. I do recall times of feeling a little extra special by my sweet mom. Second is the cake I call the warrior of attention. My sweet mom had to put so many hours in going to school and then teaching school because that is what she had to do. I don't fault her for that nor do I resent her for that ... it was what she had to do and I love her for it. With mom out of the house at times that meant it was us kids and even friends spending a lot of time together that led into precarious situations like a water fight with the hose in the house or a rock fight with the neighbors behind our house. I should digress for now. Being the youngest I had to fight for attention at times and at times I won but there were plenty of times I lost. I recall one experience when I had been losing the battle for attention so I had to up my game. I was the first one home from school for whatever reason so I gathered a couple of things and left a note I was running a way from home. Now, I knew better than actually running away because it was cold outside and I really liked to eat so I hid in a basement room. It wasn't long before my siblings came home and found the note. To this day I remember my oldest sibling letting out a cry in shock and dismay. She actually loved me I thought. A close friend of my siblings came by and they decided how they were going to go look for me. He did the smart thing and looked around the house first and found me. My first thought was how my siblings were going to get on me for doing such a stupid thing; however, I can still remember the love they showed me knowing I was safe ... it was kind of weird at first but I got used to it.

I think of that joke where a patient tells a doc that it hurts when they lift their arm to touch their head. The doc replies simply, "well don't lift your arm then." Escape is something VERY real for those that fight depression. The logic behind it is quite simple ... I feel pain and I don't want to feel it anymore. The interesting point about depression is how the dark sadness can just loom over you and follow you wherever you go without you doing one thing to bring it on. If you had a sliver in your finger the first thing you would do is get it out. How do you get rid of the pain that depression brings? There are meds out their that a Psychiatrist can give you to help. Talking with a Psychologist can be of great help as well. Just talking about it with someone that gets it can help immensely as well. Now I am going to step out on a limb here and I hope it doesn't break. Guys have a tendency to not want to sit down and talk about their "feelings" with anyone. I don't know if it is a testosterone thing or what but we just usually don't like to talk about our feelings. Listen up guys that may be reading this ... it is important to talk to someone!! Now, I will say that there are ladies that may be stubborn that don't like talking about their feelings. Listen up ladies ... it is important to talk with someone!! The pain of depression is real and I believe that not wanting to feel that anymore is quite the powerful emotion. People deal with this differently ... some may self medicate with alcohol or narcotics, some may sleep all day, some may consume themselves in so many unhealthy diversions, some may just run away, some may sadly take their lives and the list continues. For those that have depression, we wish that it was just as easy to not lift our arm to stop the pain. Escape from the hellish abyss of depression is truly that ... escape. Some acts may last for only moments while others are far long lasting that can't be undone. Have I escaped? Absolutely! But for moments here and there. I need to be clear here ... if you have thoughts about taking that avenue of escape that can't be undone, taking your life ... DON'T DO IT. I understand how appetizing it may look when all you feel is pain and that seems like the only path. Your mind is not in the right place when that temptation arises. Yes, I have been there and it scared the crap out of me. What helped me? Talking, talking and talking some more with anyone that would listen that actually cared. Feeling loved has an immense way of bringing hope that demolishes the temptation of ending it all. Taking healthy diversions breaks are crucial as well. Find something that you love doing and do it. Once you have done it, do it again and again and again. I have come to find for me that striving to get attention as I did by "running away" when I was a kid and escape are two different things. Attempting to get attention is simply that ... letting those around you that you aren't feeling the love and you are in need of it. Escaping is something that is usually done without others knowing it. Either way feeling love is what can cause both to dissipate. I know there are days and days that pass without anyone showing the love. The business of this world can rob folks of keeping their eye on the most important thing of sharing love for others. If you don't feel loved today, know that I love you and I pray that is enough to give you just enough hope to keeping hanging on.