I'm A Sir!

As I graduated from college I knew that new adventures awaited me. I looked forward to take all that amazing knowledge I learned from all the many hours of having my nose in the books and applying it to the "real world." Many fun adventures began to occure but I noticed an unexpected one that began to be more and more consistent. My first job gave me the opportunity to use the phone a lot and I mean a lot! That is where I began to notice this strange phenomena. In the midst of my talking to both men and women I noticed I began to be called "mam." I laughed this off several times as it began but as it continued I really began taking a good look at why this happened. I do admit that I don't have a Barry White type of voice but I don't have a high voice either. I also realized that if I said my name "Ken" fast that could be taken as "Kim." So, in my phone conversations I made sure I over emphasized my name and even attempted to talk lower than I usually do. This actually did reduce the times be called mam but it still happened. Imagine making an appointment on the phone and the client ends the call by "sounds good mam." Showing up for the appointment after that happened was always a delight ... since they were expecting a woman. I also began to recognize this happening as I would go through a drive through of a fine fast food joint. Again, as I pulled up to make a payment or get my fine food the facial reactions of the fast food employees were priceless. A year or so later I began a new job and part of my excitement was hoping to leave the "mam" craze behind but of course it followed me. I interacted with a lot more people with this job, which made it quite interesting. I would have people come to my office telling me that they had talked with a woman who was going to assist them with something and had made an appointment ... yep, that "woman" ended up being me. The experience that topped them all was when they would call me "mam" to my face and quickly recognized their error and apologize; yet, they still called me "mam." This has followed me and continues to follow me. One may wonder if this would get annoying and if it would shake the rock of my manhood. Well, yes it got really annoying and I'm quite comfortable with my manhood. Times I would let it slide and other times I would quickly correct them not really caring if it embarrassed them or not ... especially in the drive through. I found that I would be saying loudly, "thank you and I am a Sir!" Anytime anyone is with me when I go through the drive through and I get called "mam" they always bust up laughing. I am handling it better now and usually play along with it. I have to admit there are times it still is like someone scraping their finger nails on a chalk board but I do admit it is a kick to see the facial reactions of the fast food workers as they are expecting a lady and they see my handsome mug talking in a low british accent.

I believe I am comfortable saying I have far less shame of having depression than I used to. Even though I have opened the doors wide open to it I still fight some feelings of shame like I am less of a person for it. The thought of admitting to someone that I have depression used to bring so much fear and anxiety that it would alter my daily events but it's getting better. Mental illness still has such a rigid stigma associated with it. I have found that you can explain over and over what you are going through but some just don't understand it ... not to a fault of their own in most instances but because it is something that is seems so mysterioulsy unknown. Imagine if there was an illness that when one was diagnosed with it they were admitted to a health center and no one ever talked about it. Then over time people began to pay more attention to it because more and more people began to have it. There were still others that just didn't understand it though. What if this illness was the common cold. Everyone catches a cold, right? What if they didn't? Imagine if there were countless people that never had one. Try to explain what a cold feels like ... this liquid stuff comes out my nose and sometimes my eyes. Sometimes I can't even breath through my nose and I have this bad pain in my throat. There are times when I feel very hot and then very cold and then very hot and very cold. Even my ears have pain in them at times. I really don't even no how I got my cold. People that had never experienced a cold before may look at you like you have five heads or some may attempt to empathize but can't because it is the first time they have heard of such a thing and they just don't no how so they prefer not to be with the folks that have colds. However, there are others that have had experiences with loved ones having colds so they are more understanding and know how to help. I have learned that depression is so similar to this. I hope and pray that more attention can be brought to the mentally ill. That the stigma will be chopped down piece by piece. There are times I hear things about depression that are so off base but I just don't have the energy to say anything and let it pass. Then there are the times when I see the understanding of depression getting traction and I get so excited! Yes, I have experienced the negative judgements folks can make and have been labeled before they really sought to understand. I have also experienced those that have sought to understand first and how incredible that feels. To my fellow friends that fight depression. I know we all handle it in our own way. That's what makes this fight such a struggle at times. There is no blanket way to help everyone at the same time. I have been on this journey for three years while some are just starting while others may have been on their journey for years. I have learned that quick judgements will be made, labels will be thrown our way, lack of understanding is prevelant and at times I just feel like yelling "stop judging me, I am fighting depression" just like times I want to yell "stop thinking I am a woman. I AM A SIR!!" I acknowledge your pain. I acknowledge your suffering. I acknowledge the many questions. I acknowledge the darkness. Don't be ashamed for having depression. For I also acknowledge that we do have purpose and that I love you! My prayers are with you on your journey and I hope you never get called the opposite gender in the drive through.