Iceberg Dead Ahead!

One summer when I was a teenager a good friend of mine and his family invited me to go water skiing with them. We spent three days or so at a lake having an incredible time. At night we would camp on the sandy beach preparing for the next day. I learned a couple of things about camping on the beach. No matter how hard you try, sand has a way of getting everywhere and I mean everywhere. Not a big fan of sand in the sleeping bag. I also learned that putting sun tan lotion on your feat is important too. My friend and his family had a boat so we spent a lot of time out on the water. They were all avid water skiers and then there was me. I was amazed at all the techniques shared with me of how to get up out of the water and have that magical moment of getting on the skis for the first time. You give them the nod, the boat engine revs ups and then boom ... being drug along the water hoping you wouldn't lose your swim suit again. I actually never did get up out of the water on the skis but I did have a blast on that trip. As do all awesome trips do, this one did come to an end. As my friend and I helped break down camp, my friend's dad gave us the assignment to take the boat to the boat ramp once we had all packed up everything into the truck. He and the family would drive down to the ramp while my friend and I would take the boat out one last time. Of course, we were happy to oblige. The time came to get on the boat and my friend realized he hadn't put in his contacts yet so he grabbed his contacts and we headed to the boat. I stood watching the water and the beauty one last time soaking it all in when I heard my friend say, "uh-oh," I turned back to look at him and he was winking at me. I stood silent not really knowing if this was a sign that some good looking girls were coming or what. He rubbed his eye and then told me that as he was putting in his last contact it blew off his finger into the water. We both kind of shrugged it off and got in the boat and he asked me to be the look out to make sure that we didn't run into anything. Needless to say I laughed since I was blind as a bat and was in a stage of my life that you really wouldn't catch me with my glasses on. We both laughed as he hit the throttle heading us out to the water. In the previous days of fun we knew where the boat ramp was so we weren't too worried about that but my friend still thought it was best for me to still be on the look out. In the midst of traveling we both saw something white ahead that looked rather big. He slowed down a tad as we approached with caution because he didn't want to damage the boat. We shared different ideas what it could be from a big tube to who knows what but it was something we were sure we would have to go around. As we approached the unknown object we busted up laughing. The mysterious humongous floating danger turned out to be a white Styrofoam cup floating on the water. What do you expect from a guy with one contact in and the other guy that couldn't see for the life of him. We both agreed to not tell anyone about that experience and of course have shared it numerous times.

I have found that as I fight depression and anxiety that I get easily overwhelmed and overwhelmed fast. This can come from what I can see in front of me, the great abyss of what I can't see in front of me, or my favorite (feel the sarcasm here) is the time when I am so overwhelmed and it takes work with my psychologist to find out why ... I am not a big fan of that one. I will say that looking back at what I have worked through can give me strength and  some hope. May I comment quickly that I do want to emphasize "worked through." People simply can't see all the hard work we do that fight depression. I have found that extremely frustrating. I love doing projects around the house and folks can see the hard work it has taken and how it has really paid off. Well, all the hard work I do with fighting depression can only really be seen by me. My psychologist can see when I make some progress and those close to me can see some as well but I am really the only one that knows how draining it is and how it can simply rob you of your thoughts and time as it begs for your attention constantly. Having depression has given me sight to the darkness of mental illness, which is terrifying because light and hope is very hard to find. As I have fought for that light and hope I have learned to see things differently that has been a tremendous help. I don't have to perfect and that is okay is one of the insights I have learned to know ... I had heard it many times but now I am learning to know it. I still get taken back by the "small" things that may seem so tiny to others but literally kicks my butt and I end up working on and working on and working on. What may be a simple Styrofoam cup to many can be huge icebergs for us that fight depression ... and of course we won't tell you about them because we may be ashamed of it or just don't have the energy to explain so much. I promise that there are so many that are fighting icebergs out there that need that little touch of love. For my fellow iceberg fighters I'm here to help chip away anyway I can.

Sit on the Pot and Keep it Balanced

When I was a youngster in high school a good friend of mine and I decided to take a weight lifting class. Now, the reasons for doing this ranged from being able to tell girls we were in a weight lifting class to actually trying to get buff. Of course though, the biggest reason was for the ladies. The first couple of days brought all sorts of emotions and feelings but the strongest feeling was pain. As my friend and I would walk up to those lovely weight lifting machines we really had no clue how they worked. We sure pretended like we did but we had no earthly idea. We would always let the other guys waiting for the machine behind us go first so we could get some sort of glimpse of how to use the darn things. When we took our turns we really didn't want to look like wimps so we usually left the weight the same the person was using before, which ended up reeking havoc on our muscles. I became pretty good at showing others the weight I was lifting wasn't that bad at all but holy crap was I hurting. The nice thing about the class was that it was during the period right before lunch. I lived close enough to the school where I would run home for lunch and take a shower. Doing lunch at home was always a shooting match though because there were times I just didn't leave on time to get back to school which would end up getting that lovely tardy thing checked. Who knew you could fail a class for excessive tardies ... I mean I was there and doing the work, right? Anyway, those first couple of days of lifting were brutal. I remember taking a shower after the class and not being able to raise my hands above my shoulders. My friend and I were hurting in a bad way but it always felt good to tell the ladies that we were lifting weights. Eventually we did end up learning how to lift correctly and made it through the class. As the class came to an end the only thing I ended up with was a six pack and an understanding that the ladies really didn't care that I lifted weights.

You know, as I look back on the years I have suffered depression I have learned a lot about it and myself ... and still am learning. For me, it is truly like having your world as you know it turned on it's head and you left to figure out what happened and what the next steps are. I have no earthly idea if I will ever be able to "go back" to the person I was and truth be told I really don't know if I want to. There are characteristics about who I was that I would be okay leaving behind allowing me to be healthier. I do hope and work to be the good parts of who I was. Understanding depression for me isn't an easy thing to do. Sure, you look it up in the dictionary and it talks about sadness, mental illness and such but for me I think there is so much more. For me it's been striving to find the line between what emotions are caused by my depression and the emtions I feel from just experiencing everyday life. There is the question of why loneliness is so prevelant an emotion I feel daily and why it crescendos so rapidly if I haven't heard from any one for a day let alone my friends. There is pain in loneliness that truly hurts and can hurt badly. I remember watching a comedian once who was telling what his mom would tell him to do if he was in pain. "Oh, your stomach hurts ... go sit on the pot. Oh, you have a headache ... go sit on the pot. Oh, you have cut your elbow ... go sit on the pot. Oh, your finger was cut off ... go sit on the pot." The way he said it made me laugh til I was crying. Too bad it just isn't that easy. I recently was talking with my psychologist about the pain of loneliness and expressed how I feel I need more love from others besides my wife in my life. He did one of those smiles and told me that I am making progress. Of course, I sat back on the leather couch thinking oh man I have finally broke him. He then proceeded to help me see that in my journey how perhaps I have made a step forward or so. This one I will keep close to my chest for now, maybe sharing later when I am ready. I wish that meant that the pain would be gone or that I could smile and mean it more. I am immensley glad and full of thanks though to have someone professionally to talk to and even though I am hurting he can help me see that I am taking a step. For me there is a clear distinction though between "working through the pain" that came with weight lifting and learning to tolerate the pain of depression. Sad to say, there are still too many that think one can work through the pain of depression. It just is simply not that way and those that think otherwise are just showing their lack of knowledge and understanding. In fact, that mentality actually hinders more than anything. That's all the attention I want to pay to those folks for now. Anyway, for me I have learned that I am the extreme of all extremes. I either give until there is nothing left to give and after that still try to give or I extremely dislike the world and pretty much everyone in it. Even though  pain and I seem to being spending more time together lately I know that I took a step to finding the balance and that is something that gives hope to keeping hanging on.

Escape

When I was three years old my father left this world and headed off to the next one. I have few memories of him and of the funeral. Looking at the pictures of the funeral it is obvious that I really had no clue what was going on and the magnitude of the effect it would have on my life. Growing up the loss that I began to feel was created by seeing what dads did with their families and their kids. The loss wasn't created by losing a dad because at three years old I really didn't know what that meant. The good news was that I was born into an incredible family. I have amazing siblings and an amazing mom that went back to school getting her degree and getting a job to take care of her young family. We became very close very young because all we had at times was each other. Being the youngest brought what I like to call having both cakes and eating them two. First there is the cake of getting spoiled. Yep, I said it. Now notice I said, "getting spoiled" not I was spoiled. I do recall times of feeling a little extra special by my sweet mom. Second is the cake I call the warrior of attention. My sweet mom had to put so many hours in going to school and then teaching school because that is what she had to do. I don't fault her for that nor do I resent her for that ... it was what she had to do and I love her for it. With mom out of the house at times that meant it was us kids and even friends spending a lot of time together that led into precarious situations like a water fight with the hose in the house or a rock fight with the neighbors behind our house. I should digress for now. Being the youngest I had to fight for attention at times and at times I won but there were plenty of times I lost. I recall one experience when I had been losing the battle for attention so I had to up my game. I was the first one home from school for whatever reason so I gathered a couple of things and left a note I was running a way from home. Now, I knew better than actually running away because it was cold outside and I really liked to eat so I hid in a basement room. It wasn't long before my siblings came home and found the note. To this day I remember my oldest sibling letting out a cry in shock and dismay. She actually loved me I thought. A close friend of my siblings came by and they decided how they were going to go look for me. He did the smart thing and looked around the house first and found me. My first thought was how my siblings were going to get on me for doing such a stupid thing; however, I can still remember the love they showed me knowing I was safe ... it was kind of weird at first but I got used to it.

I think of that joke where a patient tells a doc that it hurts when they lift their arm to touch their head. The doc replies simply, "well don't lift your arm then." Escape is something VERY real for those that fight depression. The logic behind it is quite simple ... I feel pain and I don't want to feel it anymore. The interesting point about depression is how the dark sadness can just loom over you and follow you wherever you go without you doing one thing to bring it on. If you had a sliver in your finger the first thing you would do is get it out. How do you get rid of the pain that depression brings? There are meds out their that a Psychiatrist can give you to help. Talking with a Psychologist can be of great help as well. Just talking about it with someone that gets it can help immensely as well. Now I am going to step out on a limb here and I hope it doesn't break. Guys have a tendency to not want to sit down and talk about their "feelings" with anyone. I don't know if it is a testosterone thing or what but we just usually don't like to talk about our feelings. Listen up guys that may be reading this ... it is important to talk to someone!! Now, I will say that there are ladies that may be stubborn that don't like talking about their feelings. Listen up ladies ... it is important to talk with someone!! The pain of depression is real and I believe that not wanting to feel that anymore is quite the powerful emotion. People deal with this differently ... some may self medicate with alcohol or narcotics, some may sleep all day, some may consume themselves in so many unhealthy diversions, some may just run away, some may sadly take their lives and the list continues. For those that have depression, we wish that it was just as easy to not lift our arm to stop the pain. Escape from the hellish abyss of depression is truly that ... escape. Some acts may last for only moments while others are far long lasting that can't be undone. Have I escaped? Absolutely! But for moments here and there. I need to be clear here ... if you have thoughts about taking that avenue of escape that can't be undone, taking your life ... DON'T DO IT. I understand how appetizing it may look when all you feel is pain and that seems like the only path. Your mind is not in the right place when that temptation arises. Yes, I have been there and it scared the crap out of me. What helped me? Talking, talking and talking some more with anyone that would listen that actually cared. Feeling loved has an immense way of bringing hope that demolishes the temptation of ending it all. Taking healthy diversions breaks are crucial as well. Find something that you love doing and do it. Once you have done it, do it again and again and again. I have come to find for me that striving to get attention as I did by "running away" when I was a kid and escape are two different things. Attempting to get attention is simply that ... letting those around you that you aren't feeling the love and you are in need of it. Escaping is something that is usually done without others knowing it. Either way feeling love is what can cause both to dissipate. I know there are days and days that pass without anyone showing the love. The business of this world can rob folks of keeping their eye on the most important thing of sharing love for others. If you don't feel loved today, know that I love you and I pray that is enough to give you just enough hope to keeping hanging on.  

Weed ~ Not Mary Jane

Growing up my family had a large garden. We had tomatoes, carrots, raspberries, peppers, radishes, and other veggies that I can't recall. There were several reasons my mom had a garden ranging from the harvest it offered to the grand plan of having her kids learn how gardens work but also teaching us kids how to work. We spent a lot of time in that garden bonding with dirt but also bonding with each other. As Spring would come around we would prepare the ground by getting rid of all the lovely rocks and weeds making sure the soil was just right for planting and for those plants that would be popping up soon. When the soil was right and the time had come we would plant the seeds and wait. Now, I have to admit it was pretty cool watching the plants grow from something so small to something so big. I was always amazed at how the weeds grew too. Absolutely no attention was given to helping them grow, but those weeds kept coming and coming. With us kids being in school about the only time we could weed the garden was Saturday. Being that it got hot rather quick during the day and since my mom was such a morning person, she would invite us / encourage us with love to get up early Saturday morning and weed the garden. I always liked waking up to a rainy Saturday morning ... too bad they were so rare. As we began to enjoy the veggies and fruits it made it a little easier to take care of the garden and fight the weeds. As Autumn would come we would clear out the garden area and wait to do it all over again. Looking back there are several things I learned from taking care of the garden that  have stayed with me. Weeds always come and can take over the largest plant if not taken care of. If you don't pay attention to the plants and water them they won't magically take care of themselves. Speaking of watering, one summer I was asked to water the raspberries because my mom needed to run an errand. Now, my mom is a very smart lady. She built little berms around each raspberry plant so all you had to do was place the hose by the plant and when the water was close to overflowing the berms you would move on to the next plant. This helped the raspberries get a good supply of water but also prevented watering the whole area, which would end up watering weeds. I really wasn't in the mood to water them but I told my mom I would. After she left, I approached the raspberries and saw a sprinkler head on the grass. Brilliant! I quickly put the sprinkler head on the hose and set it in the middle of the raspberries and watered the whole area. I kept an eye for my mom so I could stop my amazing plan before she knew what I had done. After she got home she went outside. Before long I was asked to join her in the back yard. She asked if I had used a sprinkler head or filled the berms by each plant. As I looked at the plants and saw all the dirt was wet, I knew I had to come clean. My mom smiled and simply told me that I would be solely responsible for weeding the raspberries for the next while, which turned out to be way longer if I had just taken the time to doing it correctly.

For those that fight depression ... I want to say I love you and that I am sorry. I am sorry that you have to fight it and fight it and fight it. How I wish that it would just go away. I understand how it takes away any energy you have to get up and get going. I understand how the biggest victory of all for the day at times is getting out of bed. I understand how it feels to feel you are surrounded with a thick wall of darkness and no one can break it down. I understand the feeling of escape. I understand how you look at what you used to be able to do and long to be that person again. I understand the feeling of wanting to cry but being tired of crying. I understand the feeling of wishing you could go to the store and buy hope and peace. I understand the relentless feeling of sadness when you feel there should be nothing to be sad about. I understand the feeling of loneliness. I understand the feeling of despair as you think about the future. I understand wanting so badly for tomorrow to be different. I understand wanting so badly for everyone to understand what depression is. I understand how bad this sucks! So why do I keep fighting? To me, everything I just listed are like weeds ... they can keep growing and growing and consume you; however, there is something incredible underneath. Place your hand on your heart and feel that heart beat. You have purpose! We have purpose! You are important! We are important! So what causes my weeds to dissipate? Love. I'm not talking about the stagnant kind. I am talking about the love in action. Constant acts of love keeps those weeds down and actually gives me strength in the fight. Why keep up the fight? Because feeling those glimpses of hope and peace and true happiness is worth it ... almost like tasting a fresh raspberry.

Skis and Gratitude

My scout leaders loved to ski. So, needless to say when I was a young scout I was introduced to this sport, entertaining activity, bone breaker, giver of concussions, tail bone bruiser experience ... whatever you want to call it. With living close to ski resorts we were able to take advantage of them often. My first experience with skiing was quite the eventful one. Thankfully I wasn't the only one getting ready to experience their "first time" as well. I was bundled up in a green ski suit and my good friend was bundled up in a bright yellow one. We received little instruction and were sent on our way. As we got off the lift for the first time, which I was extremely glad they didn't have to stop because I had no idea what I was doing, we looked at the hill below and were eager to implement our instructions. The instructions were quite simple ... point the tips of our ski's to the bottom of the mountain and push off with our poles. If we were going too fast we were told to just fall down to stop. We were also told that once we had mastered the "easy" run that we could attempt harder ones. Being that the easy run was called the "bunny hill" I was pretty eager to move on. As we looked on, the snow began to become worse as a blizzard was starting to blow in. My friend and I looked at each other, pointed our ski's to the bottom of the hill and pushed off. It wasn't long before we were falling down quite often attempting to keep some sort of control and no one really gave us instructions how to get up once we fell down ... not that easy. We made it through the first run a little beat up and bruised. Admittedly it was a bit embarrassing as we came down the last hill approaching the other skiers in line for the lift and the only way we could stop was to fall down. Yep, we felt like true winners! We got back in line and kept at it and actually got slowly better with an emphasis on slowly. The snow storm remained strong and at times all I could see was my friend in front of me in his vibrant yellow ski suit. If he fell, I fell. If he began to slowly turn I began to slowly turn. There was one part of the afternoon when the snow slowed and I actually got in front of him with no real doing of my own and was going faster than I had the whole day. So fast that falling down really didn't sound that fun. I saw an awesome skier in front of me ... they were awesome because they could turn back and forth slowly down the hill. As I approached them I could tell that the chance of running straight into them was growing stronger and stronger. I began yelling warning them I was coming and they didn't do a thing. Now if I was a betting man at that time I would have bet the farm that a collision of chaos was about to happen. As I approached the skier going at a good rate with them slowing getting ready to cross the path I was headed I tightened all my muscles and watched my ski's go right over the front of theirs right behind the tips. To this day I have no idea how I didn't run into them or how they didn't go flying themselves but I survived and so did they.

With Thanksgiving behind me and Christmas coming I have been striving hard to really think about the things that I am thankful for. Yep, I am a believer that you can still be vocally thankful once the turkey has been eaten, the football games have been watched, and the nap has been enjoyed. As I have paused and pondered about what I am thankful for I have been sad. I have been sad because I have come to a clearer understanding how depression steals my thoughts. I have been so hell bent on attacking my depression that is all I think about ... and recently as I have fought not to think about it I have been losing. Why? Because depression is like that annoying fly that always reminds you that it is there and will keep landing on your nose staring at you in the eye. I miss having the ease of thinking of other things ... yep, it is possible but extremely hard. Try to not pay attention to that annoying fly and see how it works out for you. With that said, I have been able to think of some things I am thankful for. First and foremost is my loving God and His Son. I know I can't see it and the majority of the times I feel alone, I know that they have been with me more than they have in my life. I am thankful. My sweet wife who puts up with me and man is that huge! She loves me regardless ... plus she is a great kisser :). I am thankful. My three angels! I love being their dad! Their hugs, kisses and humor keeps me going on daily and has saved me countless times in those dark moments. I am thankful. Family. Thank you for loving me. Your wisdom and support has been life saving. I am thankful. Friend. You know who you are. You have been with me from the beginning and haven't forgotten ... thank you. I am thankful. Friends. Thank you for offering your support. I am thankful.  My Psychologist. Thank you dude for teaching me that I don't have to just point my ski's to the bottom of the hill and push off. Thank you for teaching me how to strive to deal with my demons. Thank you for listening to me and your patience. I am thankful.

Norm and The Passing Train

I have a great mom. Making great memories for her kids was something so important to her and she was very successful at it. One family vacation she decided she wanted to go visit some family that lived up in Oregon. We could have always taken the car but she decided to spice it up a bit and take the train. Looking back at it now she was very smart too. What may have been "spicing it up" for the kids by taking the train was actually a way she was able to relax more not having to worrying about driving ... and trust me she deserved every bit of relaxation she was able to get. I believe I was around seven or eight for this great adventure and don't remember the whole entire trip but have some key memories. We had family that lived close by us then that were going to take us to the train station that evening, which was about an hours drive away. I recall going over to their house, having dinner and having a  fun time. Then it hit, for whatever reason panic mode hit the adults as they somehow realized that we were running late and might miss the train. I don't know if my mom forgot what time the train was leaving or if we were just having too much fun. Either way, I remember being told to get in the car and the journey began. During the drive I remember two things; the car was going faster than it ever had and that was really cool and I also remember hoping with all my little might that we wouldn't miss the train. I had been looking forward to this for so long and could feel the disappointment starting to seep in. Miracles of all miracles happened and we made it just in time for the train. So much hurry up and go to make it to a mode of travel of sitting down for quite a while ... but that was okay. That night as I sat in my slightly reclined chair in the dark I heard a person playing an acoustic guitar that was very soothing for all. At least I thought it was soothing for all until a train attendant told them they were bothering someone and asked to put it away. I was so confused how something so nice on the ears could be deemed as a bother. I believe that was my first introduction to how something so incredible for so many can be put in jeopardy due to one's slighted point of view. Anyway, the train ride was amazing. I saw so many beautiful views that I still remember to this day. Plus, we could have all the juice we wanted for free! It wasn't long before the beverage car employees knew who we were and how they eventually ran out of juice.

I want to be happy. I want to feel peace. I want to be able to hope and have that hope stay with me. I want people to really understand what depression is and how it takes control. I want to be Norm in the TV show "Cheers" ... you know "where everybody knows your name." I want to not effect others lives in a negative way. I want simply to have someone put their arm around me and tell me they love me. I am tired of being lonely feeling like I am on an island that no one knows of or pretends they don't know of. I want to be able to finish a task or project without it being the fight of my life. I want to be happy with who I see in the mirror (sorry, I don't like Michael Jackson). I am tired of losing my temper of power monger car pool ladies ... nope, not ladies ... women.  I am tired of washing my hands over and over.  I want to be unshackled from the dark demons that haunt me! Sound familiar? I know ... it sucks. Those that have depression, anxiety and / or ocd know ... they don't have to imagine what I am talking about. Yes, it is dark and yes it literally hurts but that is depression. I have felt at times that I am watching my life go by without being able to do anything about it. Like I am standing by the train tracks being told that the train is coming and that I need to be able to get on. "Everybody" else that is "normal" and living their lives in a "normal" way will be getting on. As the train comes I watch everyone get on. I try to move my feet ... nothing. I try to grab any handle ... nothing. I watch those that say they are there for me look at me helpless and then jump on the train. I feel hopeless as I watch the train disappear in the distance. Am I painting an ugly picture? Yep. Depression is ugly, stinks and is like that relative that you have to hug and kiss that literally makes you throw up in your mouth but it's there and won't let go. I fight this and as I look at the big picture it overwhelms the crap out of me! But I fight it and fight it and fight it. Why? Because I am determined to not let the SOB win. As I have fought this over the past years I have felt glimpses of joy and hope. Perhaps a chink in his armor or I have won a little battle in the war. Yep, it may feel like a train passes me every now and then but there are a couple of close friends that would rather stick by me than jump on the train ... they get it. They get and I get that a train will be coming far better for us. One that has better understanding, one that has better ability to love ... one that has far more hope than I can imagine. One that may not call me Norm but will call me Ken.