The Brain VS The Soul

I was brought up in a good loving Christian home. We went to church and my sweet mom did all she could to teach her kids about doing the right things. I remember a lot of time being spent on the "Golden Rule" ... treat others how you would want to be treated. Being the youngest my older siblings did things to me that I was pretty sure they didn't want me to do to them though ... making me go down the laundry shoot and putting a mattress at the bottom of the stairs and throwing me down first to see if it really prevented injury comes to mind. As I grew older I did start paying attention and noticing how I felt when I did good things compared to when I perhaps wasn't too Christian. I noticed I felt happy and pretty cool about life if I was staying out of trouble and living right. One summer I had a fascination with baseball cards. I loved the anticipation of seeing who I would get and the bubble gum that came with it was amazing. Well, I was low on funds one day so I took the money off the fridge one of my older siblings had put there to pay their tithes later that week. That's one of my first memories I have about the deep emotions that come doing something wrong. However, as the teen years came I learned more and more about those feelings (nope, no dirty secrets shared here). I remember feeling unhappy, guilty, dark and even empty. Yet, the good thing I learned and have applied my whole life is that if I change my course a tad and change my ways those feelings quickly subside and I can be happy again. One could say that taking that money was for payment of being a test dummy for older siblings but I couldn't justify that.

I remember the day being told that I was fighting depression. I knew how I had been feeling and I knew that depression was associated with people feeling sad and that was all I knew. I can tell you now that I know depression robs one of happiness. Feelings and emotions of guilt, shame, emptiness, and being desperate ping pong back in forth in your head convincing you that is what you are. I have experienced that there is no warning nor a nice little agenda when it is coming or telling you how long it will last. At times you feel like you are wading through thick tar reaching for the end you can't even see. Fun times for all I know. My first fights with depression were so confusing because I was having emotions that I would usually feel when I was not making the best choices like guilt, shame and emptiness so I would look at my life and attempt to make the changes that would allow me to be truly happy .... yet the happiness never came. I remember doing that desperately over and over and fighting for any glimpse of real joy when depression was on a full court press and no happiness would come. I didn't get it. I was angry with the Man Up Stairs. I knew that if I would "change my ways" happiness should come,  yet nothing. The brain is pretty cool and a powerful thing but it isn't the soul. When the brain is working properly so many incredible things happen like fight or flight for example. I always felt the flight mode though when it came to kissing girls. For me how I am doing with the Man Up Stairs comes from my heart or soul. But when the brain is having issues deep powerful emotions can be created like guilt, emptiness, sadness and darkness that compete with similar feelings the heart can feel when not making right choices but THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING!!  I struggle to this day still finding that fine line because the emotions of depression are so incredibly strong and can mask how I feel in my heart. I don't know why but that is how I have felt and feel. When depression starts kicking in I begin reminding myself that God loves me. I may not feel it because of the darkness of my illness but I strive to look at all the reminders around me. Plus, I don't have to go in flight mode any more for a nice loving kiss.