Caution, Good Intentions Are Ahead.

I am a fan of good tasting things and most of the time I am able to enjoy them. Every now and then though I have the reuniting of the taste of my foot. Taking the time to write every occurrence I have put my foot in my mouth would be a task I prefer not to venture on. However, since the window of opportunity is here I will share a few. Some years ago around Christmas I had a client come by that had a simple question. She had stopped by with a friend and apparently they were going to do some shopping afterwards. But before that could all start, this kind lady wanted to chat with me. I didn't get a good look at her friend but from what I could see she was wearing a "Santa" hat ... there was the nice white puffy section by her forehead followed by the red velvet around the rest of her head. After finishing with my client I shook her hand and complimented her friend on the "Santa" hat and for the expression of such Christmas spirit. As her friend came into full view I noticed that I jumped to a quick conclusion about the hat. Yes, it had what I have described but was far more of a classy Christmas head scarf not a "Santa" hat. I apologized and looked for a hole to hide into. I believe I was wearing fake leather shoes that day ... not a good taste. I think this next one more folks have done and if they have, it is a mistake you only make once. Yep, I congratulated a lady on her pregnancy and asked her when she was due when she was not pregnant. The long pause and the look of disbelief in her eyes still haunts me this day. I believe I was wearing older tennis shoes that day ... not a good taste.

With having depression my ears pick up far more comments about depression than it ever has. I have learned just how vulnerable I am. I understand the feeling of laying in bed not really caring about anything but also thinking about all the things I could have done to be "productive" if I was out of bed. It doesn't make any sense I know but dealing with depression never has. I know what it is like to be amazed how much time has passed after staring at the wall or ceiling for a while. I understand how the day can blaze by because you watched tv all day and then beat yourself up for being a slacker. I know the feeling of hurting inside so bad the tears don't stop. I know the feeling of getting a bit ambitious and getting up taking a shower and afterwards staring at yourself in the mirror. You see the person that looks like you staring back but you have no idea who it is inside looking at you so you just go back to bed. Dark days are real with depression an they can make you feel so vulnerable. As with any illness you wish you it would just go away. I can say for me that yes I have dark days still and yes they are miserable. However, they are far less than they were at the beginning.

When people don't know you are suffering from depression, because heck you are keeping it close to your chest, comments can be made that cut so deep. Those people that know we have depression can make comments that cut so deep. Those people that we opened all our thick steel doors to being all the way open even make comments that cut so deep and these for me hurt the worst. I have only once had a person where I opened all doors to be malicious to me. I don't know why they did but the word "hurt" doesn't seem to describe it. All other occasions I know the people had good intentions. I share this not because I am getting on those with good intentions. I share this to help those with depression and hear those comments and feel beat up. Getting passed them is not easy. I remember getting so angry when people carelessly talked about depression and would just hope the best for me. I literally wanted to introduce my fist to their face and I really didn't know why. It surprised me because in my life I have usually been a calm person. You can imagine how it surprised my wife as well. To this day she has to calm me down at times. My psychologist has worked with me on finding that middle ground between one side of the spectrum shall we call anger and the other side shall we call lethargic and progress has been made. Yet, I know how deep those comments from good folks with good intentions can hurt. Don't feel guilty about being upset with them when it happens. I get it when there are days when your skin is so thin because of the battle of depression you have been fighting that is secret to many.

Now to those that may be reading this that don't have depression thinking holy crap what do I do then? I never want to give birth ... oh man, do I never want to do that. But I can almost, and I want to emphasize almost ladies, know that I can understand what it feels like when a lady may be 4000 months pregnant ready to pop and someone asks "how ya feeling?" Really? Yep, when having a horrible day with depression you really don't want to talk about it. I have been asked how I felt on those days and not by my medical buddies and not by someone I really discuss it with. So what do you do? The absolute best thing is to love them and not just by words. A couple of things that have really touched me was when a friend that knew I was fighting something miserable brought me a coke and told me she was thinking about me. She saved me that day. I also had a friend that recently found out about my depression and he came to my house and just gave me a big hug. Those things let me know that they loved me and I think of them often. Being showed love is one of the best weapons that has helped my depression. Plus, showing love really cuts down the chances of tasting your shoe.