One Saturday night when I was around 9 years old I was in a sword fight with my oldest brother but the closest thing to swords we had were his drum sticks. I had a couple of good moves but he was the true swordsman. Our battle was upstairs in our home and I had come to a quick conclusion to retreat and retreat quickly. I dropped my sword and ran for the stairs ready to make my mighty leap. Now I had made this jump down the stairs many times but did this when my mom was not home since it was frowned on, which any fantastic mother would do. This time though I was in retreat mode and made the leap with her home. I remember landing and knowing something was seriously wrong due to the pain I immediately felt. I rolled my ankle causing all sorts of damage. Needless to say I was on crutches for a while letting the torn ligaments heal. Later in my childhood I fell in love with playing basketball and unfortunately rolled my ankles more than I would like to admit. The pain from the constant injury hurt but not as bad as having to wait to heal and mend. I do remember one time not being patient enough and playing too soon after injuring my ankle ... yep, that actually made the healing time longer. I actually got to the point of wearing braces every time I played because I needed to keep playing. Heck, I was going to be the next Michael Jordan.
So what happens when one's brain is broken and depression shows its ugly head? A healing time has to happen. I remember when I started this journey and was diagnosed with severe depression that I was told that I needed to heal. That sounded like a good idea but I really had no idea what that meant. A cast or brace on my head really wouldn't work and staying off my head not putting weight on it really wasn't something that made much sense either. So, what do I do to heal? Again, this is where I believe the answer to this is something that is so individual for everyone. I can only tell you what I have learned for me. Yes, I began meeting with a Psychologist and Psychiatrist but they weren't with me 24/7 yet I began to get great insights from them. For me, I needed to do things for me and spend time on me. This was confusing because I felt selfish. My whole life I was always striving to do things for others and always said "yep" when asked to do assignments or favors. This is not a bad way to live if are able to do it. Let me explain. It feels nice to give others a drink of water out of your bucket but if you are not putting water back in your bucket how do you keep helping others? Needless to say I had been scraping away at an empty bucket for a long time. I get it how hard it can be to tell people "no" when asked to do something and you really can't or don't want to explain why. I get it when people look at you like what's your problem are you being super selfish now. I get it how the guilt runs you over and over because you are saying "no" attempting to heal but the heavy guilt then seems to feed the depression. Please know that guilt should only be felt when doing something wrong ... saying "no" attempting to heal or even just keeping a balanced life is NOT DOING SOMETHING WRONG AND IS TOTALLY OKAY!!! Do we ever see people asked with a broken arm, leg or hurt ankle to help move or do some labor intensive task? I have to admit there are times that I just wish I had a cast on my head so I wouldn't have to explain why I was saying no ... plus it would cover up my bald spot. I do have to say that I am still learning how to fill my bucket and am dealing with having the patience to do so. The bottom line though is that I am working on healing and that is okay.
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