20 Items or Less!

I enjoy grocery shopping. Heck, I will even whistle every now and then and even do it while trying to find an elusive product. I even stick to the list, unless I want something that calls out to me. I'm even okay with waiting in the check-out line if needs be. But you know, every now and then I just want to get a box of twinkies and a Frank Sinatra cd and get in and out. That's why I have a friend, I like to call the "Fast Lane" or "Express Lane" or even "20 Items or Less." Now let's address my pet peeve ... and I'm not talking about my pet, if I owned one! I have my box of twinkies in one hand and good old Frankie in the other while I walk up to the "20 Items or Less" check out with a big old grin. Most cases my friend and I get along, but then there's the time I walk up and someone is there with a cart full of groceries. I pretend to smile and start counting all the items in their cart. I'm cool with some overage. That can be expected. Yet, when double or triple the count of twenty occurs I find myself looking at the clerk, still with my huge fake smile now. Don't worry, I get it. There was probably no one in line and the clerk let the customer with the plethora of groceries come on over to them. If that's the case, it should be called the "20 Items or Less, Maybe or Maybe Not" line! Don't worry, I get it. I can hear the calls now of needing to be patient or taking the opportunity to be patient. Just a thought though, what if I did the "Express Lane" because that's what I needed or simply could do? What if there is man out in the parking lot with a fever and a cowbell isn't working, so the next best thing was twinkies and Frank? Ah, but just take a deep breath and you can handle it. Right?

I'm not a big fan of having a cold or some type of sickness that kicks me in the backyard and keeps me in bed for a couple of days. I like to be up doing things, accomplishing things ... just getting them done with. Every now and then I will try to get up, but the strength is gone. Even making it to the bathroom can be the mission of all missions, because there is no energy! Then that glorious day comes when the sickness has done its thing and it is gone! It's like hearing angels sing!

One area in my life that I let define me far too often is simply getting things done. Cleaning around the house, projects, the to do list (that I've created), even finishing orders for the little company my sweet wife and I have going. The list could go on and on. What I see me do, is usually how I define my value. Then the rollercoaster of mental illness kicks in. There are days when I just sit around thinking or bonding with my bed letting the hours slip away watching show after show on TV. Why? Because I'm lazy? Imagine walking around the house looking at every little thing that has to be done and you just can't do it. Thinking about every little thing that needs to be done and you just can't do it! I can tell you that sitting around just thinking or watching TV all day is like trying to take a shower because you've had the stank for four days, and all you get is a drip here and there of cold water. Some may look up at the shower head and say, "hey, work!" I bet that would do the trick.

For me, there isn't the feeling of weakness or no energy when you're ill. Or when you have that lovely sweaty feeling of pain. My energy level is up, it's just the will that has taken the blow. Will Power! Will Power! Is all I can hear when I search for any will to do anything. It's hard to suck it up and increase the level or power of "will" if it's simply not there. How demeaning and destructive when you want to do something so bad, but your mind tells you nope! Add to that the defining of me is by what I accomplish. Not a fun game to play! It may seem hard to grasp. I know it was for me at first, but now that I live it I can tell you it is real and is awful!

I'm still alive though and I plan to be! I'm learning and have learned to redefine what I call accomplishments and acknowledge what each day is looking like of what I can do. There are days that I get a lot done and I feel good about every simple one. There are days that I get a few things done and that's okay! Even though the judgement of society may label me as lazy on some days, I give them the finger (the pinky of course) and know sometimes it's twenty items or less and I'm fighting for that to be not only okay, but awesome!

The Brain VS The Soul

I was brought up in a good loving Christian home. We went to church and my sweet mom did all she could to teach her kids about doing the right things. I remember a lot of time being spent on the "Golden Rule" ... treat others how you would want to be treated. Being the youngest my older siblings did things to me that I was pretty sure they didn't want me to do to them though ... making me go down the laundry shoot and putting a mattress at the bottom of the stairs and throwing me down first to see if it really prevented injury comes to mind. As I grew older I did start paying attention and noticing how I felt when I did good things compared to when I perhaps wasn't too Christian. I noticed I felt happy and pretty cool about life if I was staying out of trouble and living right. One summer I had a fascination with baseball cards. I loved the anticipation of seeing who I would get and the bubble gum that came with it was amazing. Well, I was low on funds one day so I took the money off the fridge one of my older siblings had put there to pay their tithes later that week. That's one of my first memories I have about the deep emotions that come doing something wrong. However, as the teen years came I learned more and more about those feelings (nope, no dirty secrets shared here). I remember feeling unhappy, guilty, dark and even empty. Yet, the good thing I learned and have applied my whole life is that if I change my course a tad and change my ways those feelings quickly subside and I can be happy again. One could say that taking that money was for payment of being a test dummy for older siblings but I couldn't justify that.

I remember the day being told that I was fighting depression. I knew how I had been feeling and I knew that depression was associated with people feeling sad and that was all I knew. I can tell you now that I know depression robs one of happiness. Feelings and emotions of guilt, shame, emptiness, and being desperate ping pong back in forth in your head convincing you that is what you are. I have experienced that there is no warning nor a nice little agenda when it is coming or telling you how long it will last. At times you feel like you are wading through thick tar reaching for the end you can't even see. Fun times for all I know. My first fights with depression were so confusing because I was having emotions that I would usually feel when I was not making the best choices like guilt, shame and emptiness so I would look at my life and attempt to make the changes that would allow me to be truly happy .... yet the happiness never came. I remember doing that desperately over and over and fighting for any glimpse of real joy when depression was on a full court press and no happiness would come. I didn't get it. I was angry with the Man Up Stairs. I knew that if I would "change my ways" happiness should come,  yet nothing. The brain is pretty cool and a powerful thing but it isn't the soul. When the brain is working properly so many incredible things happen like fight or flight for example. I always felt the flight mode though when it came to kissing girls. For me how I am doing with the Man Up Stairs comes from my heart or soul. But when the brain is having issues deep powerful emotions can be created like guilt, emptiness, sadness and darkness that compete with similar feelings the heart can feel when not making right choices but THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING!!  I struggle to this day still finding that fine line because the emotions of depression are so incredibly strong and can mask how I feel in my heart. I don't know why but that is how I have felt and feel. When depression starts kicking in I begin reminding myself that God loves me. I may not feel it because of the darkness of my illness but I strive to look at all the reminders around me. Plus, I don't have to go in flight mode any more for a nice loving kiss.