Apparently I Missed My Grandma And Wasn't Listening

I am quite fortunate that I have great memories of my grandparents. I was particularly close to my incredible grandmas. I lost one grandma years ago and I was able to attend the viewing (wake) and participate in her funeral. I had never traveled in a procession before. It was strange for the police folks to make sure the roads were clear rather than having those lovely lights behind me telling me they wanted to talk with me again. Not many years ago my other grandma moved on from this world. This time I didn't attend the viewing or participate in the funeral. I was hip deep ... no neck deep at work and convinced myself that I couldn't afford to leave. This was my grandma that after leaving from a couple day visit when I was a kid eventually turned around and came back after traveling for 30 minutes finding me standing on the driveway. When she asked why I was standing there I told her I just simply knew she would come back. Now, I was much older convincing myself not to attend her funeral. I just kept pushing on in life. A day before her funeral I was heading to work thinking of the days tasks ahead of me and burst into tears. I really didn't know why at first but as I continued to cry I felt an overwhelming sadness thinking of my grandma. Still shaking it off, I wiped away the tears and went to work. Sitting at my desk I still struggled with controlling my emotions. I literally couldn't stop the tears. I called my boss who I would describe as a person that had not found her sensitive side yet in life and told her what was going on. She surprised me by simply telling me that since I hadn't dealt with the emotions of losing my grandma that they were now dealing with me and told me to go home. Even though she was my least favorite boss I am still thankful for what she taught me.

If you don't address on your terms what your body is saying it will address it with you later on it's terms. You would think that I would have learned that with my experience with my dear grandma but I didn't. About three years ago I began having strange thoughts. Driving to work I would come to an overpass and the thought come to speed up and drive straight into the cement columns. While I was at work I would have the thought come to just stand up and run as fast as I could into the wall. This was quite confusing to me because I had nothing against the folks that built that overpass plus I had just gotten a new car and was kind of fond of it. Plus the thought of running into a wall really wasn't too appealing. Most of all though I thought of my dear family. My wife is gorgeous inside and if you know her you would realize how good that is because she is hot. Plus she loves the stockings out of me. I have three incredible kids that amaze me daily with their faith, their kindness, their love and humor. So, why on earth would I act on those thoughts? I shook it off and just kept going. As time passed those thoughts continued to come more frequently to the point that I was not really enjoying driving by overpasses or seeing the walls at work. Yet, I pushed on. The thoughts became more and more frequent to the point that I felt I was battling them often every day. What scared me the most was when I felt I was losing the battle and those thoughts became more and more enticing and I had no idea why. I didn't tell anyone ... not even my wife. I was nervous how she would react. Well, just over 2 1/2 years ago as I was getting ready to head to work in the morning, my sweetheart approached me tenderly telling me she noticed that I had been struggling with something and I broke down and told her. That day I told my boss that I was taking time off to "find out what was going on."

Depression is something so individual. It happens for various reasons and appears differently. I am a person that likes to know why things happen or what causes things so if I didn't enjoy it I will stay away from it. I've learned for me that I don't have that luxury of the clean cut why with depression though. There are theories and thoughts behind mine that have been discovered after bonding with my psychiatrist and psychologist for 2 1/2 years and I have learned that is okay. I have learned to be a better listener, which my wife loves. I have learned to listen more than I ever have to what my emotions are saying and give them the proper attention they need and THAT IS OKAY!!