Voices

I feel like it was just yesterday when I was dating my sweet bride but the years and my incredible kids have a way of convincing me otherwise. Dating my bride to be was ... well, incredible! We literally were best friends that loved to hang out and then cupid did his thing. After we had been dating for a while people began to tell us that we really should start to think about getting married. We thought it was something that may happen down the road but we wanted to do it on our terms. You thought that when we told folks this that we had totally offended them, which really didn't bother me. I mean, did I really ask them for their advice? That perfect day did come and I did end up marrying my best friend. It wasn't long after the honeymoon and the dust had settled from all the excitement that we began to get folks telling us it was time to have kids. I was starting to see a theme here. I so badly wanted to tell people that my wife was already 3 months pregnant but I figured the time spent putting out fires on the rumor wagon wasn't worth it. Still it was very tempting. Almost two years later we welcomed a lovely beautiful little girl into the world. Of course, before she was born we were being told what to name her. There were some folks that were kind enough to inquire on the names we were thinking about and then shoot them down in a blaze of glory. The spelling was wrong, the initials won't look right, or it is just too long or too short. So badly, I wanted to start answering the naysayers with odd names. We knew we were expecting a girl so I figured saying we wanted to name her Karl Malone or Eddie Vedder might throw them for a loop. But I held my tongue. I was amazed how many people were "interested" in me, my sweet wife and our family but I learned quickly that there was more of a voice of opinion than interest. I still think that a daughter name Eddie Vedder wouldn't have been too bad.

Meeting with my psychiatrist for the first time was kind of interesting. I learned real fast that there was a vast difference between my psychologist and psychiatrist. My psychologist had the leather couch and would spend and hour with me chatting about how I was doing giving me insight and help with coping techniques. My psychiatrist asked me questions but they were more centered around medications. Don't get me wrong, she was caring and nice but she spent most the time talking about how meds could help. I actually said nope to meds the first time I met with her. I don't know if it was the unknown or the stigma I saw in the movies about folks that were on meds that had mental illness. I was fighting depression that was attempting to steal my identity and I wasn't about to take some sort of meds that I feared was going to make me some sort of other person. I still kind of liked me even though depression was trying to convince me otherwise. At this point I had a small circle of loved ones that knew what I was going through. Some voices of opinion started to seep in telling me I should take meds. I had a rock solid loved one though that gave me sound advice that resonated with my experiences in life. He said it was truly about me and what I felt and that I should only do it when I felt it was right. That was a person that was truly interested in me. I thought a lot about it and talked with the psychiatrist a lot about it and came to the conclusion for me that meds used properly wasn't meant to steal who I was but to actually help fight the depression to strive to keep the old me. I finally said yes. Now granted, I did have them in my kitchen for a while and would look at them every now and then but the day did come when I felt right about it so I put them in my mouth and washed them down.

For me, taking meds has helped. Yep, it took a bit to find the right one that best helped me. Yep, I didn't notice that immediate change. In fact, the only way I knew the meds were helping was that my sweet wife would tell me that she noticed a difference in my behavior. Does taking the meds make my illness go away? Nope, but it makes it easier to deal with. Will I ever stop taking the meds? I don't know. I have a lot of people voicing their opinions. For now, I just pay attention what I feel is best for me and that simply is good enough.