Choice, Part II

In my young life, I have experienced the following ... to name a few:

- Broken Bones
- Stitches (on more than one occasion)
- Torn Ligaments
- Blood Clots in my left leg (I had to give myself shots in the gut to fight this. Nothing like having a gut for a pin cushion.)
- Pulmonary Embolism ... Blood Clot in the lungs. (I was introduced to morphine ... wo!)

Believe me, I am incredibly thankful for doctors, meds and divine assistance and that I have been able to heal during those delightful events. They weren't fun by any means, but I made it through.

I recently met with my Psychiatrist talking about adding another med to the mix that I have been taking. As we chatted, she explained to me that the brain has eight major chemicals. When any one of those chemicals decide to do their own thing and not play nice, that's when mental illness can begin. The three different meds I am currently taking is to assist with three chemicals that are rebelling in my head. How do they know, which meds to give me? Thankfully, history has given the docs an idea what helps with depression and anxiety. The "fun" part, oh the sarcasm, is finding the right mix that works well for each individual. That comes by what I call, throw it at the wall and see if it sticks. Sad to say, the medical world isn't quite to point where they can give you a test and see what exact meds are needed for mental illness and what will work. I went through several different mixes to find what worked and even just added another, like I mentioned, to try to do some fine tuning.

Why do I share this little bit of info that I have learned? One of my biggest struggles in all this is the word, "choice." Okay, maybe not the word, but the ability to choose. I hold the thought dear to my heart that one of the greatest gifts we have here on this great planet is the ability to choose ... be it bad or good. If my world was feeling negative, I would focus on positive things and I would begin to feel positive. With mental illness, clarity of thought can be so fleeting. The ultimate scare for me, is when clarity of thought is gone and I'm still left to make choices. Perhaps, that is why I profusely abhor making decisions. I've had to learn that understanding how my choice and mental illness work together. When I first started this journey I fought so hard to just choose to be happy, but I kept losing that battle over and over. I get it how people in their ignorance, just say, "just get over it and be happy." The understanding of mental illness is still in the dark shadows of society. With all the physical ailments I listed above that I went through, not once did someone tell me to just get over it. There is an understanding that those things took time to heal. Even those that never experienced them. Why? For whatever reason, there is no stigma associated with those ailments. For now, I strive daily to continue to understand how choice and mental illness interact taking it one day at a time.

Choice

One Monday morning a businessman showed up to the airport. This particular businessman was no stranger to the airport since he has flown almost every Monday for his employment. Like every other experience, he checked in his bags, made it through security and was approaching his gate. He always grabbed a newspaper to check on the latest rhetoric that was being put out but what he was truly interested in was the take on the previous day sports. As he was picking up his paper he noticed a small box of donuts that was being sold. Now this businessman had been working hard at keeping fit and was having success but he felt a little box of donuts wouldn't hurt so he purchased those as well. Sitting at a table he placed down his donuts and paper and was shaken by one of the loudest sneezes he had ever heard. Immediately turning toward the noise he saw a petite older lady with a hanky looking a bit embarrassed. The businessman turned back around and was a little shaken again by a man that had joined him sitting at his table. The man didn't say anything but gently nodded his head acknowledging the businessman. To the businessman's surprise, the other man reached down and opened the box of donuts, grabbing one and began eating it. The businessman was perplexed. He had never seen such a blatant act before but chose to hold his temper thinking perhaps the man was hungry and just wanted a donut. After the man had finished his third donut leaving only two left, the businessman began to feel his blood boil. At least the man could have politely asked or said thank you yet all he would do was smile back at the businessman as he looked on. The businessman couldn't take it anymore and reached down and grabbed a donut and took a big bite looking at the other man with a "how do you like that" look. The man smiled back, looked at his watch and left leaving the last donut. The businessman was still upset that the man had been so rude and unbelievably thoughtless. Taking a deep breath the businessman looked at his watch and realized he should start making his way to the gate. He wiped his mouth with a napkin and picked up his newspaper. To his surprise his unopened box of donuts had been under his paper the entire time.

I hold the belief that we all have the freedom to choose in this life. Some choices bring good things while some choices bring consequences that aren't too enjoyable. I have heard some say that if people aren't happy it is there own fault ... because if they wanted to be happy they need to simply be happy. Just like flipping a switch or something. I thought similar along those lines until depression pulled the rug out from under my feet. I even have to sadly admit that I would look at "sad" people and think why don't they just choose to be happy. It is ever so clear to me that no matter how close we may think we are to someone or how well we may think we know them we simply have no idea about everything in their lives. We may guess or we may even judge but caution has to come into play. As I have fought with the demons of depression I have heard the same statement, "it's ultimately up to the person that is sad to choose be happy. It's their fault they are sad." I hold no malice to that person but how incredibly off base they are. Such general statements can hurt the vulnerable folks that are fighting depression. I will even grant them a little leeway here and say, yes it is up to me to choose to seek professional help but there is no light switch to turn on immediate happiness. I have looked and looked and looked but it is not there. I wish it was that easy. Now I don't think the folks that speak of choosing to be happy are intentionally hurting people fighting depression. It just clearly shows how unknown and how misunderstood depression is. Yep, going with the broken bone analogy here again. I have had a broken bone before and no matter how hard I tried I simply couldn't choose for it to be fixed immediately. Here is what I do choose. Every night when I put my head on my pillow I pray that the next day will be a happy one. I pray for the strength to conquer the battles of depression that I can learn to handle it better and better. I pray for more glimpses of hope and joy and pray that I get to experience them more and more with each passing day. I pray that someday I will have the choice to simply be happy.