Choice, Part II

In my young life, I have experienced the following ... to name a few:

- Broken Bones
- Stitches (on more than one occasion)
- Torn Ligaments
- Blood Clots in my left leg (I had to give myself shots in the gut to fight this. Nothing like having a gut for a pin cushion.)
- Pulmonary Embolism ... Blood Clot in the lungs. (I was introduced to morphine ... wo!)

Believe me, I am incredibly thankful for doctors, meds and divine assistance and that I have been able to heal during those delightful events. They weren't fun by any means, but I made it through.

I recently met with my Psychiatrist talking about adding another med to the mix that I have been taking. As we chatted, she explained to me that the brain has eight major chemicals. When any one of those chemicals decide to do their own thing and not play nice, that's when mental illness can begin. The three different meds I am currently taking is to assist with three chemicals that are rebelling in my head. How do they know, which meds to give me? Thankfully, history has given the docs an idea what helps with depression and anxiety. The "fun" part, oh the sarcasm, is finding the right mix that works well for each individual. That comes by what I call, throw it at the wall and see if it sticks. Sad to say, the medical world isn't quite to point where they can give you a test and see what exact meds are needed for mental illness and what will work. I went through several different mixes to find what worked and even just added another, like I mentioned, to try to do some fine tuning.

Why do I share this little bit of info that I have learned? One of my biggest struggles in all this is the word, "choice." Okay, maybe not the word, but the ability to choose. I hold the thought dear to my heart that one of the greatest gifts we have here on this great planet is the ability to choose ... be it bad or good. If my world was feeling negative, I would focus on positive things and I would begin to feel positive. With mental illness, clarity of thought can be so fleeting. The ultimate scare for me, is when clarity of thought is gone and I'm still left to make choices. Perhaps, that is why I profusely abhor making decisions. I've had to learn that understanding how my choice and mental illness work together. When I first started this journey I fought so hard to just choose to be happy, but I kept losing that battle over and over. I get it how people in their ignorance, just say, "just get over it and be happy." The understanding of mental illness is still in the dark shadows of society. With all the physical ailments I listed above that I went through, not once did someone tell me to just get over it. There is an understanding that those things took time to heal. Even those that never experienced them. Why? For whatever reason, there is no stigma associated with those ailments. For now, I strive daily to continue to understand how choice and mental illness interact taking it one day at a time.

Respones To Robin Williams Death/Suicide ~ Some Spot On, Some So Completely Wrong

I was heart broken yesterday hearing the news about Robin Williams taking his life. He was a man of quick whit and hilarious humor, amongst so many other talents. I was not sad about not being able to see new material from him though. I was sad because a brother of mine gave into the dark torture of depression. No, I wasn't related to him via blood, but I could and can relate to the demons he fought.

Yes, I spent too much time yesterday and today watching the plethora of news stations and the interviews of celebs and reactions of others via twitter or other social media. Even the President of the U.S. made a statement of the horrible event. During all this time I heard responses that actually made me think the stigma of the mentally ill may actually be chipped away with larger chunks, then the countless times occurred that placed rebar to reinforce and even add to the strength of the stigma. For one that has fought the battle of severe depression for three and a half years, I had to say something. There are simply too many points I heard to comment on, so I have picked the ones that I thought needed some comments, be it right on or so way off.

~ "Depression is a disease, not a simple mood swing." For one that grew up loving life and being happy, I struggled immensely when overwhelming sadness began to enter my world and I couldn't shake it off. This sadness consumed me, and no matter what I did that made me happy in the past, it was not going away. I wasn't too thrilled being diagnosed with severe depression, in fact I was embarrassed. I have learned though that there is nothing to be embarrassed about even though there is a heavy stigma. The bottom line is that I didn't one day tell myself, "I think I'm going to choose to have depression." The chemicals in my head began doing their own thing striving to convince me of all sorts of horrible things. Mental Illness is a disease and is real!

~ "I can't decide if what Robin did was an act of courage or him just being a coward. Truly it was just selfish." I want to purchase a shirt that says, "I'm Ignorant When It Come To Depression" for the person that said this. Sadly, it isn't the first time that I have heard something like this though. I have learned that unless you have fought depression or have been close to one (and I mean close) to one fighting depression, you just don't get it. The darkness and torturous demons of depression are real. Feeling unworthy of any one's love constantly being hit over your head again and again has an impact. Feeling like people may be better off because of all the pain you cause has an impact. Feeling dark, hallow, and miserable over and over has an impact. I have been on the ledge of suicide with my heals over the ledge just standing on my toes teetering too many times to count. Why? In the darkest abyss of depression when suicidal thoughts come strong, it's not about courage or being a coward or being selfish ... it's simply wanting the pain to go away. I understand why drugs and alcohol come into play with those that have depression. They simply don't want to feel the pain. Why haven't I succumbed to suicide? I simply don't know, but I know. Makes great sense, huh? I guess for me, I remember feeling what hope felt like before depression knocked me off my tookis. I fight everyday to feel it again some day.

~ "If anything, I guess we could learn from this to reach out to those more that have depression." Isn't it sad that we have to lose someone to have an epiphany like this? It's quite easy to believe no one loves you when you sit all alone all day without someone sending a text or call or dropping by. Being alone simply wears one thin. I get it though ... "what do you say to someone that has depression?" "What if I say that one wrong thing that makes him kill himself?" "What if? What if? What if?" We don't expect you to come fix us. In all reality, that is up to us and nobody else. The psychologist and psychiatrist are the ones to give advise for "fixing", even with the help of meds. We simply need a huge support group of love. The best conversation is talking about anything but depression at times ... simply knowing we have someone that cares. Any type of act out of love, that may be deemed as "small", actually speaks volumes.

Too many people wear masks hiding depression, and some too ashamed to go see a psychiatrist or psychologist about it because of the awful stigma around it. I am in shock about all the articles / blogs floating around today, written by people that haven't experienced depression, adding to the stigma. There have been incredible articles / blogs giving tremendous insight on depression as well. My heart and love goes to all those that are fighting this disease. It Sucks! I know it is dark, but the only way we know what darkness is like is because some time in our life we have actually felt what light or hope was like. For me, I will strive to keep on fighting.