Relief meet Joy

Stan and Ted have a huge test coming up in Honors Chemistry. The end of the semester is growing close and the teacher has reminded them over and over how the up coming test is 40% of their final grade. Stan would be more than happy if that was all the pressure he was feeling. His dad is constantly telling him how he will not accept anything lower than an "A" on the upcoming test. He continues with telling him what he gets on this test could actually effect what college he would get into,which would also determine how his life will turn out. Stan studies hours and hours every night giving up social events to make sure that he is ready for his test so he won't let his father down. As the day to the test gets closer Stan finds that when he is with his father all he can think about is the fear he is consumed with that he won't do well on the test. The night before the test comes and Stan stays up for most of the night studying only getting just a couple of winks of sleep. Ted cringes when his Honors Chemistry teacher tells them over and over about the importance of the test. Ted understood the first time and doesn't see the point about the careless repetition. He knows it is important and will study for the test. In fact, he even approached his father about the test being concerned about it. Ted's father put his arm around him and explained that the only thing he expects Ted to do is do his best. Ted studies every night but also spends time with his family and even other friends. Stan said he was too busy to do anything. Every time Ted is around his father, he encourages Ted telling him that he knows he can do well but again reminds him to just do his best. The night before the test Ted spends a little more time studying but gets a good nights sleep. The test day comes and Stan gets an "A" and Ted gets a "A-". Stan sits at his chair feeling such a huge relief that he didn't let his father down and he won't be angry at him. Ted smiles feeling joy knowing that he did his best.

Being able to settle for your best is very difficult for a perfectionist. The expectations run rampant like the waters of a flood ... especially around Christmas time for some reason. Every experience should be like those lovely Christmas commercials where everything is just perfect. They have everything in place including every ornament on the tree and they don't have dust on them. Well, guess what? Dust happens! As a perfectionist everything seems so highly crucial to the point that if it doesn't go well the future of the day, the week, the month or the year can be ruined. Achieving 99% of a task is nice but the 1% gets the attention. Why didn't I finish it? Am I not a finisher? What could I have done better? Being a perfectionist is a time bomb ready to happen because no matter how you try, no matter what kind of latest version of the coolest planner you have, no matter how committed you are ... you will fall. Accomplishing task after task turns into more of feeling relief than joy. Joy sadly dissipates as relief becomes more and more the feeling of accomplishment. When a perfectionist falls it's not pretty. It's not the wipe the pants off and get up scenario. It's the wallow in the mud scenario. Add depression to that and boom ... not so pretty or fun. I am learning to shift from perfectionist to a person that approaches the day by doing my best. Granted, there is the caution of not using "I did my best" as an excuse to purposely slack. Doing your best is just that and then celebrate the crap out of what you achieve. I have found that I cherish feeling the joy that come from achieving things doing my best compared to the relief I used to feel after being the perfectionist. I truly cherish joy and feel that depression, no matter how bad it sucks, has taught me a deeper feeling and understanding of it.

Weed ~ Not Mary Jane

Growing up my family had a large garden. We had tomatoes, carrots, raspberries, peppers, radishes, and other veggies that I can't recall. There were several reasons my mom had a garden ranging from the harvest it offered to the grand plan of having her kids learn how gardens work but also teaching us kids how to work. We spent a lot of time in that garden bonding with dirt but also bonding with each other. As Spring would come around we would prepare the ground by getting rid of all the lovely rocks and weeds making sure the soil was just right for planting and for those plants that would be popping up soon. When the soil was right and the time had come we would plant the seeds and wait. Now, I have to admit it was pretty cool watching the plants grow from something so small to something so big. I was always amazed at how the weeds grew too. Absolutely no attention was given to helping them grow, but those weeds kept coming and coming. With us kids being in school about the only time we could weed the garden was Saturday. Being that it got hot rather quick during the day and since my mom was such a morning person, she would invite us / encourage us with love to get up early Saturday morning and weed the garden. I always liked waking up to a rainy Saturday morning ... too bad they were so rare. As we began to enjoy the veggies and fruits it made it a little easier to take care of the garden and fight the weeds. As Autumn would come we would clear out the garden area and wait to do it all over again. Looking back there are several things I learned from taking care of the garden that  have stayed with me. Weeds always come and can take over the largest plant if not taken care of. If you don't pay attention to the plants and water them they won't magically take care of themselves. Speaking of watering, one summer I was asked to water the raspberries because my mom needed to run an errand. Now, my mom is a very smart lady. She built little berms around each raspberry plant so all you had to do was place the hose by the plant and when the water was close to overflowing the berms you would move on to the next plant. This helped the raspberries get a good supply of water but also prevented watering the whole area, which would end up watering weeds. I really wasn't in the mood to water them but I told my mom I would. After she left, I approached the raspberries and saw a sprinkler head on the grass. Brilliant! I quickly put the sprinkler head on the hose and set it in the middle of the raspberries and watered the whole area. I kept an eye for my mom so I could stop my amazing plan before she knew what I had done. After she got home she went outside. Before long I was asked to join her in the back yard. She asked if I had used a sprinkler head or filled the berms by each plant. As I looked at the plants and saw all the dirt was wet, I knew I had to come clean. My mom smiled and simply told me that I would be solely responsible for weeding the raspberries for the next while, which turned out to be way longer if I had just taken the time to doing it correctly.

For those that fight depression ... I want to say I love you and that I am sorry. I am sorry that you have to fight it and fight it and fight it. How I wish that it would just go away. I understand how it takes away any energy you have to get up and get going. I understand how the biggest victory of all for the day at times is getting out of bed. I understand how it feels to feel you are surrounded with a thick wall of darkness and no one can break it down. I understand the feeling of escape. I understand how you look at what you used to be able to do and long to be that person again. I understand the feeling of wanting to cry but being tired of crying. I understand the feeling of wishing you could go to the store and buy hope and peace. I understand the relentless feeling of sadness when you feel there should be nothing to be sad about. I understand the feeling of loneliness. I understand the feeling of despair as you think about the future. I understand wanting so badly for tomorrow to be different. I understand wanting so badly for everyone to understand what depression is. I understand how bad this sucks! So why do I keep fighting? To me, everything I just listed are like weeds ... they can keep growing and growing and consume you; however, there is something incredible underneath. Place your hand on your heart and feel that heart beat. You have purpose! We have purpose! You are important! We are important! So what causes my weeds to dissipate? Love. I'm not talking about the stagnant kind. I am talking about the love in action. Constant acts of love keeps those weeds down and actually gives me strength in the fight. Why keep up the fight? Because feeling those glimpses of hope and peace and true happiness is worth it ... almost like tasting a fresh raspberry.

Skis and Gratitude

My scout leaders loved to ski. So, needless to say when I was a young scout I was introduced to this sport, entertaining activity, bone breaker, giver of concussions, tail bone bruiser experience ... whatever you want to call it. With living close to ski resorts we were able to take advantage of them often. My first experience with skiing was quite the eventful one. Thankfully I wasn't the only one getting ready to experience their "first time" as well. I was bundled up in a green ski suit and my good friend was bundled up in a bright yellow one. We received little instruction and were sent on our way. As we got off the lift for the first time, which I was extremely glad they didn't have to stop because I had no idea what I was doing, we looked at the hill below and were eager to implement our instructions. The instructions were quite simple ... point the tips of our ski's to the bottom of the mountain and push off with our poles. If we were going too fast we were told to just fall down to stop. We were also told that once we had mastered the "easy" run that we could attempt harder ones. Being that the easy run was called the "bunny hill" I was pretty eager to move on. As we looked on, the snow began to become worse as a blizzard was starting to blow in. My friend and I looked at each other, pointed our ski's to the bottom of the hill and pushed off. It wasn't long before we were falling down quite often attempting to keep some sort of control and no one really gave us instructions how to get up once we fell down ... not that easy. We made it through the first run a little beat up and bruised. Admittedly it was a bit embarrassing as we came down the last hill approaching the other skiers in line for the lift and the only way we could stop was to fall down. Yep, we felt like true winners! We got back in line and kept at it and actually got slowly better with an emphasis on slowly. The snow storm remained strong and at times all I could see was my friend in front of me in his vibrant yellow ski suit. If he fell, I fell. If he began to slowly turn I began to slowly turn. There was one part of the afternoon when the snow slowed and I actually got in front of him with no real doing of my own and was going faster than I had the whole day. So fast that falling down really didn't sound that fun. I saw an awesome skier in front of me ... they were awesome because they could turn back and forth slowly down the hill. As I approached them I could tell that the chance of running straight into them was growing stronger and stronger. I began yelling warning them I was coming and they didn't do a thing. Now if I was a betting man at that time I would have bet the farm that a collision of chaos was about to happen. As I approached the skier going at a good rate with them slowing getting ready to cross the path I was headed I tightened all my muscles and watched my ski's go right over the front of theirs right behind the tips. To this day I have no idea how I didn't run into them or how they didn't go flying themselves but I survived and so did they.

With Thanksgiving behind me and Christmas coming I have been striving hard to really think about the things that I am thankful for. Yep, I am a believer that you can still be vocally thankful once the turkey has been eaten, the football games have been watched, and the nap has been enjoyed. As I have paused and pondered about what I am thankful for I have been sad. I have been sad because I have come to a clearer understanding how depression steals my thoughts. I have been so hell bent on attacking my depression that is all I think about ... and recently as I have fought not to think about it I have been losing. Why? Because depression is like that annoying fly that always reminds you that it is there and will keep landing on your nose staring at you in the eye. I miss having the ease of thinking of other things ... yep, it is possible but extremely hard. Try to not pay attention to that annoying fly and see how it works out for you. With that said, I have been able to think of some things I am thankful for. First and foremost is my loving God and His Son. I know I can't see it and the majority of the times I feel alone, I know that they have been with me more than they have in my life. I am thankful. My sweet wife who puts up with me and man is that huge! She loves me regardless ... plus she is a great kisser :). I am thankful. My three angels! I love being their dad! Their hugs, kisses and humor keeps me going on daily and has saved me countless times in those dark moments. I am thankful. Family. Thank you for loving me. Your wisdom and support has been life saving. I am thankful. Friend. You know who you are. You have been with me from the beginning and haven't forgotten ... thank you. I am thankful. Friends. Thank you for offering your support. I am thankful.  My Psychologist. Thank you dude for teaching me that I don't have to just point my ski's to the bottom of the hill and push off. Thank you for teaching me how to strive to deal with my demons. Thank you for listening to me and your patience. I am thankful.