Past, Present and Phuture

Okay, I know spelled future incorrectly. But am I the only one that thinks it would be cool if future was spelled with a "ph"? Then you could say, "aw, the three p's." It's like they were so close to making it perfect but messed up on the last word. Like traffic lights ... Green for Go, Yellow for Yield and Red for Rstop. Oh, so close. For those that need it spelled correctly, here you go: Past, Present and Future.

PAST
The past is something that is talked a lot about with many opinions. "Stop looking at the past and move on." "It's good to look back at the past and learn from it all." I guess if you go with the first theory of thought, the saying of, "do you remember when" would be something not brought up anymore. I think either thought is okay, to me it's not an either or.

PRESENT
The lovely, "now." As a kid, I would always think how fast "now" really was. To me it seemed like the quickest of the Past, Present and Future. One would blink, and the now we were experiencing had become the past. I have heard many opinions about the Present. "Live for right now and forget about any type of consequences." "Don't have your head in the clouds looking back at the past or ahead at the future and not enjoy the right now." I've learned that not thinking of the consequences is a poor choice.

FUTURE
"If you fail to plan for the future, you plan to fail." "Where will you be in five years?" "Don't be working so hard for tomorrow that you forget today." For whatever reason, I have a plethora of sayings about the future. It seems to me that they all seem so "final." If you don't do this, then you will be placed in this pigeon hole. You better do this or your family will be permanently slotted in this class of people. I've learned that clever sayings about the future may have good merit and intention behind them, but does not carry the weight to give me a horrific consequence.

Why the breakdown of the Past, Present and Future? I have been thinking a lot about these three labels of time lately and how they fit in with my depression. I can tell you that I don't like thinking about the Past. As I think about the time in my life when I wasn't fighting mental illness it brings me everything but hope and joy. I long to be there. For me it does more bad than good. I don't like thinking about the Present. My now is the fight of my life, with darkness, with guilt, with shame, with wondering who I really am. My now is wanting to be away from now. I don't like thinking about the Future. I can't tell you how much I abhor thinking about the future. If making through a day is a success, then when I even think about making it through a month or two it completely overwhelms me.

I guess I'm struggling with trying to figure out "where" to live. I feel it would be wrong of me if I didn't mention that the bright moments of living now, is the love I feel from being with my incredible kids and wife. The sadness is how fast depression can chase that away. I want to live and as I struggle to work through this, I strive not to think about the labels of time. I want to live and feel love.