In my teenage years, I had the opportunity to experience the "lovely" dating scene. The best way to describe that period of time would be to say, "It was the best of times and worst of times." I had my share of being dumped, which is far from the feeling of fun. I have also been on the other side of doing the "lets be friends talk." I had been dating a very good looking girl and things were going good ... did I mention that she was very good looking? Well, I'm not sure what came over me, but I felt that I needed to break it off because I couldn't really see any future. Crazy right? Was I growing some type of thing called "having character?" One evening we decided to go to a drive in movie and I was determined to break it off that night. The movie began while I got my courage up and began the "lets be friends" talk. She buried her head in my shoulder and cried the entire movie. Did I mention that the movie had just started? Yep she cried the entire time.
Though the crying was quite frightful, I experienced something quiet scarier when I was younger. A good friend of mine and his family invited me to go with them to an amusement park. I had been to this amusement park before and was quite excited. We had fun riding this ride and that ride and came to a ride that was new ... "The Colossus." This was a roller coaster that had you go incredibly high, followed by doing two loops and all sorts of sharp turns. Needless to say, I declined the first invitation to go. After much pushing and prodding and some comment about acting like a wimp, I gave in thinking that I had lived a good life. Standing in line I was able to watch two or three rides watching people scream, cry and other noises I wasn't familiar with. Let me just say that didn't help, but I was line and couldn't back out. The time came and of course, my friend and I were up by the front. After everyone was buckled in, the terrifying clicking noise began taking us to the top. I truly thought I was going to die. Reaching the top, the terrifying clicking noise ended and the coaster did a free fall down the track. I was swung every possible way and I think I even made noises I had never made before. After the terror began to come to an end I realized I was going to make it.
Mental illness is the most understandable, mysterious illness I have ever had. Yep, I know that I have been fighting depression, anxiety, ocd and ptsd for many years. Wait, did I say "ptsd?" Yep, that one I feel the most ashamed for because I never was in the military. Let me just say that it is very real and I hope someday, I may be strong enough to open up more about it. I do know that I fight these things daily, every hour, and at times every minute. I work on it every day striving to learn and apply coping techniques and am even adjusting my meds a tad striving to be able to handle "life." What I have fought lately, is the mentality of "aren't you better yet?" I find it interesting that people that don't reach out to me or want to be in any part of my support group, tells me that they have a friend with depression and they are "better, what's taking me so long?" Mental illness is just starting to be recognized that is something more common amongst us all, yet it is so individual. I would love to be able to see when this will end for me, but I don't have that luxury. Trying to do so gets very dark. Imagine going through hell not knowing when it will end. There is no vacation from it. Yes, the size of the jail cell may get bigger at times, but the bars are still there. How I wish I knew it would be over. Having a girl cry on my shoulder was difficult, but I knew the movie would end. Feeling complete terror on the roller coaster was not fun, but I knew it would end. For now, I can't see the end. I just focus on today and am thankful for loved ones.
Showing posts with label ptsd. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ptsd. Show all posts
Monday, July 21, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Dear Ken,
Below is a letter I wish I would have had as I started my journey with depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD. Yep, I am going to be quite open ... my hope is that it will offer any help to those that may be suffering from these, which is often done in silence. If I am able to at least help one, then this was well worth it.
Dear Ken,
First and foremost let me tell you how ruggedly handsome you are even with that patch of hair that is missing on top of your head and that salt and pepper look you have going. Nice job with the belly as well ... maybe you will be able to be Santa Claus some day.
Let me begin with shedding some light on some feelings you have been having lately that you haven't told anyone about. You know the ones I am talking about ... while you've been driving to work lately the temptation has really grown to drive your car into any cement post you can find preferably at a good rate of speed. Then there are those times when you are at work that you just want to stand up and run as fast as you can into the cement wall. Lets not forget the part of the day that you actually hate the worst and that is the end of the day. You have been staying late triple checking all the accounts you worked on to make sure they were done properly and yes you have repeated numbers over and over and over out loud to make sure they look right. You will actually get to a point when you have to say them 20 times in order to give you any sort of comfort. When the day is done and you have finally got to a point when you can lock up your desk you will check it at least five to ten times. You will even get out to the car and turn around and come back and check your desk again. These actions are not normal Ken. Something in your brain is trying to tell you something!!
The time will come when one day, with the help of your wife, that you realize you are not yourself and that you need to get some help. THIS IS OKAY!! I do want to be upfront with you though and tell you that the lovely ten year career you have worked on so hard will end up coming to an end. I know this will be hard for you to hear but its best you know right up front. You will end up seeing a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist. You'll end up giving the Psychiatrist the nick name of the drug dude and the Psychologist the talking dude. You will meet with the Psychologist first for about a month or so and then the drug dude. Certain meds will be offered by the drug dude but you really struggle with taking meds because you have no idea what they may do to you ... you know all those kind "side effects". You think they would use a smaller font to make the list smaller. You decide to go with the meds route with the hope that it will add some stability to all the ups and downs you are feeling. You will end up trying several different types trying to find the right mix for you. BE PATIENT and pay attention to some of those side effects. One will happen which I won't mention keeping this letter rated PG but the other will take you lower than you were before. Now I know that is why you didn't want to try at first but you will find the mix that works the best for you. Little advice, you will get asked A LOT about how you feel from the drug dude as you take the meds. You'll kind of get tired of it because you really don't notice a difference except for those two side effects. The advice ... ask your wife is she notices a difference of behavior as you do the meds. She will notice a difference! Stay with your talking dude too ... he will end up helping you a lot!
Let me be very bold with this next statement ... you are going to feel a HUGE amount of guilt as you fight depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD; GUILT ONLY COMES AFTER YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG HAVING THESE FOUR THINGS!!!! You're going to feel foolish for having PTSD because you didn't go to war or anything but believe me when the episodes hit they are ugly but you will make it through and they will eventually subside.
Ken, depression has a powerful way of making your very insecure! You will doubt everything in your life from your faith, friends, the future, the love of your family and even loving yourself. As these doubts continuously attack you loneliness will consume you. You will fight feeling like a failure as you think about the future hoping to support your family again. You will see "friends" conveniently disappear. You will be left alone. You will base your self worth and how much you are loved by how many people reach out to you and visit you. Logically you will know better but you will fight the demons of loneliness. Some of your family simply won't understand ... one will even tell you to become a PE teacher because they don't do much trying to help. Some will even say they don't know how to show love. There will even be times when you go visit family that you simply disappear and almost disappear for good. There will be times when you support your wife and kids to go visit family and you are left alone. You will long for visits but only one will show. You will see that you have a voicemail all excited but it's a message about your meds being ready. The loneliness will become so dark that you hear the demons telling you to end it all and your strength to resist is so low. Yes, dude ... the times get dark and I wish I could tell you when it will be over but I don't but DON'T QUIT!
I will say this though ... I am convinced that you will be a better man for this. I know that's like saying getting a colonoscopy everyday will make you a better man not knowing when it will end. I can tell you that as you open up attempting to stick it to the man of depression that many will approach you telling you they have suffered in silence for so long and that you have helped them. As you experience the folks that just tell you to lighten up or really don't believe you or care just think about the effect you are having on others in your same shoes.
Lastly, you will doubt God a lot but you will learn that He and The Savior love you unconditionally. You can't earn their love because they already love you!! There are a few that will stay by your side and show the love. Your kids and your wife love you and when you feel the darkness approaching spend time with them and give them hugs it will help.
Stay strong good man. You are worth loving and even though kind of goofy you are a pretty funny dude! Take it minute by minute if you have to but know that I care!
Love you dude!
Ken
Dear Ken,
First and foremost let me tell you how ruggedly handsome you are even with that patch of hair that is missing on top of your head and that salt and pepper look you have going. Nice job with the belly as well ... maybe you will be able to be Santa Claus some day.
Let me begin with shedding some light on some feelings you have been having lately that you haven't told anyone about. You know the ones I am talking about ... while you've been driving to work lately the temptation has really grown to drive your car into any cement post you can find preferably at a good rate of speed. Then there are those times when you are at work that you just want to stand up and run as fast as you can into the cement wall. Lets not forget the part of the day that you actually hate the worst and that is the end of the day. You have been staying late triple checking all the accounts you worked on to make sure they were done properly and yes you have repeated numbers over and over and over out loud to make sure they look right. You will actually get to a point when you have to say them 20 times in order to give you any sort of comfort. When the day is done and you have finally got to a point when you can lock up your desk you will check it at least five to ten times. You will even get out to the car and turn around and come back and check your desk again. These actions are not normal Ken. Something in your brain is trying to tell you something!!
The time will come when one day, with the help of your wife, that you realize you are not yourself and that you need to get some help. THIS IS OKAY!! I do want to be upfront with you though and tell you that the lovely ten year career you have worked on so hard will end up coming to an end. I know this will be hard for you to hear but its best you know right up front. You will end up seeing a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist. You'll end up giving the Psychiatrist the nick name of the drug dude and the Psychologist the talking dude. You will meet with the Psychologist first for about a month or so and then the drug dude. Certain meds will be offered by the drug dude but you really struggle with taking meds because you have no idea what they may do to you ... you know all those kind "side effects". You think they would use a smaller font to make the list smaller. You decide to go with the meds route with the hope that it will add some stability to all the ups and downs you are feeling. You will end up trying several different types trying to find the right mix for you. BE PATIENT and pay attention to some of those side effects. One will happen which I won't mention keeping this letter rated PG but the other will take you lower than you were before. Now I know that is why you didn't want to try at first but you will find the mix that works the best for you. Little advice, you will get asked A LOT about how you feel from the drug dude as you take the meds. You'll kind of get tired of it because you really don't notice a difference except for those two side effects. The advice ... ask your wife is she notices a difference of behavior as you do the meds. She will notice a difference! Stay with your talking dude too ... he will end up helping you a lot!
Let me be very bold with this next statement ... you are going to feel a HUGE amount of guilt as you fight depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD; GUILT ONLY COMES AFTER YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG HAVING THESE FOUR THINGS!!!! You're going to feel foolish for having PTSD because you didn't go to war or anything but believe me when the episodes hit they are ugly but you will make it through and they will eventually subside.
Ken, depression has a powerful way of making your very insecure! You will doubt everything in your life from your faith, friends, the future, the love of your family and even loving yourself. As these doubts continuously attack you loneliness will consume you. You will fight feeling like a failure as you think about the future hoping to support your family again. You will see "friends" conveniently disappear. You will be left alone. You will base your self worth and how much you are loved by how many people reach out to you and visit you. Logically you will know better but you will fight the demons of loneliness. Some of your family simply won't understand ... one will even tell you to become a PE teacher because they don't do much trying to help. Some will even say they don't know how to show love. There will even be times when you go visit family that you simply disappear and almost disappear for good. There will be times when you support your wife and kids to go visit family and you are left alone. You will long for visits but only one will show. You will see that you have a voicemail all excited but it's a message about your meds being ready. The loneliness will become so dark that you hear the demons telling you to end it all and your strength to resist is so low. Yes, dude ... the times get dark and I wish I could tell you when it will be over but I don't but DON'T QUIT!
I will say this though ... I am convinced that you will be a better man for this. I know that's like saying getting a colonoscopy everyday will make you a better man not knowing when it will end. I can tell you that as you open up attempting to stick it to the man of depression that many will approach you telling you they have suffered in silence for so long and that you have helped them. As you experience the folks that just tell you to lighten up or really don't believe you or care just think about the effect you are having on others in your same shoes.
Lastly, you will doubt God a lot but you will learn that He and The Savior love you unconditionally. You can't earn their love because they already love you!! There are a few that will stay by your side and show the love. Your kids and your wife love you and when you feel the darkness approaching spend time with them and give them hugs it will help.
Stay strong good man. You are worth loving and even though kind of goofy you are a pretty funny dude! Take it minute by minute if you have to but know that I care!
Love you dude!
Ken
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