It's All Up To Me

In my early twenties, which was not too long ago,  I had the pleasure of meeting a drop dead gorgeous lady at the church I was attending. Not only was she beautiful, she was an amazing person as well. There was a huge potential problem though. The church I was attending was made up of single folks. Yep, that meant there was far too many guys that were interested in this fine lady as well. I was able to do some digging and was able to get her phone number. I still remember to this day the phone number because I dialed 6 out of the 7 numbers hundreds of times not hitting that last digit because I was terrified! Now I had learned in my young life about the word "delegation" and even the word "favor." I had several good friends that would have called her for me, but how would that really look. Plus, even though they are friends, the looks of a gorgeous lady has incredible powers. I knew that I was on my own with this one. So, I dialed the 6 numbers and took a deep breath and hit the last digit. The ringing began and so did the fast beating of my heart. When she got on the phone I was literally out of breath. I must have sounded pretty ridiculous, but she did not hang up. I even got up the courage to ask her out but she said "no." I usually like to end the story there because it sounds so priceless, but she said "no" because she already had plans. She then proceeded to ask me out for another day but I had to say "no" because I had plans. Side note ~~ There you go sweet heart. It is in writing :) ~~ Needless to say we were able to iron plans out and we have been dating since ... yep, even after that marriage thing she will still go out with me and she still takes my breath away. So what did I tell her why I was out of breath on that first call? I told her I had been running around the house taking care of things ... yep, pretty lame.

So, I still meet with my psychologist twice a month and he still has his leather couch. He has stopped having free beverages in the fridge in the lobby ... perhaps it is because I always joked with him that if I was in the neighborhood I would always stop by and take one. My psychologist though is awesome. He has helped me get through the thickest walls and around the deepest holes in my life. I still suffer from depression and loneliness and of course the anxiety kicks in at the most inconvenient times. Lately, we have come across some "things" that I am working through. One of the toughest things for me is when all is said and done, it feels it is up to me to work on coping mechanics, it is up to me to be willing to share my deepest thoughts always, it is up to me to fight the beast of depression, it is up to me to keep taking meds and meeting with my psychologist ... it is up to me to fix my mental illness because in the end who can do that for me? With depression chasing the drive away to really do any thing at times, that "finish line" of getting through this appears farther away, even out of sight. When this happens, the roads of escape speak loudly. Yes, I suffer with this and is stinks badly. So does anything help? For me ... yes. For any others that may be fighting this battle let me just share what gives me a small glimpse to keep fighting. Not lose sight of my support: my sweet wife, awesome kids and few true friends. They can't do the "work" I strive to do to keep getting better but leaning on their strength when mine is gone is amazing. Not lose sight of the "I'm All Alone" danger zone. Yes, there are things that only I can do but it DOES NOT MEAN that I am all alone. Not lose sight of Divinity: I often look up and tell God that there is no way I can do this on my own. Simply recognizing his strength, mercy and love help me. Well these all sound pretty good, huh? They do, but for me are easily chased away as my depression kicks my tail. Yet, the thing I can control is keep trying every day ... like dialing six digits. I know that I will be able to dial that seventh digit someday and will totally be out of breath but making it will be worth it.

Looking Through Broken Eggs

In my late teens I had the privilege of working at a locally owned grocery store. As I mentioned in a previous post one of my responsibilities was to drive the milk truck. I also stocked the dairy and was the freight "receiver" in the morning. If I remember correctly, I would start the day around 5a or 6a, work until about 1p as the receiver and then come back around 3p to stock the dairy. The shifts weren't that great but overall I enjoyed my job and was earning money. Looking back I learned a lot of things at that lovely store. I learned that I really am not a big fan of getting up early on winter mornings especially as a receiver because that usually meant I had to dethaw the frozen locks on the gates for the trucks. Yep, just me standing in the dark in the early morning with a lighter by a frozen lock ... good times. I also found that if a pallet or cart of freight fell over as a trucker was unloading it off his truck that I preferred that freight to be things soft like toilet paper or paper towels. However, I never fully got what I preferred. I saw a large pallet full of soda fall over with soda going everywhere and cans flying in the air if they hit the ground just right ... had to take cover on that one. My least favorite spill was that of the rack of eggs that tipped over while it was being unloaded. Everything went into slow motion but nothing could be done. The rack hit the floor hard causing all sorts of damage to the eggs. I was convinced that by the looks of things all eggs had been broken and it was a lost cause. Now let me step back here for second and tell you about the rack the eggs were in. Each rack had around five shelves. Each shelf held about 120 or so carton of eggs. Do your math there and that's just a hot mess. Well, I did my least favorite thing and told my boss what had happened. I knew the fault was not mine but my boss would not be happy about the loss. I informed him I was sure it was a total loss. He paused for a moment and instructed me that another employee and I would need to go through every carton of eggs looking for ones that survived, wash them off and place them in a new container. Of course, I knew how long that would take and really wanted to ask him if he had been smoking something funny but I smiled and told him I would get right on it. I asked a dear friend of mine to help me, which at first I'm not sure how thrilled she was but we got to it. As we started we looked at the whole mess and knew that we would be there forever. Looking through the mess we found damaged egg after damaged egg and I felt that it was pretty much a waist of time but then we started to find eggs that had made it. We focused on conquering shelf by shelf and even began to laugh. When it was all said and done we were covered in egg goop, a lot of time had come and gone but we saved a good number of eggs. Plus, we ended up having the time of our life. I look back at that memory often and think of things I learned. To this day I can't crack an egg without thinking of the great crash of eggs.

I have had some time to think about "hope". I have reflected back in my life when I have felt it. I have looked at my life recently and have thought how hope and depression interact in the field of life. To me, hope is more than just an interesting idea to bring flashes of optimism to folks. Hope is a principle or a fundamental truth. As I looked back on my younger years in life I feel like I had limited hope because my outlook was on specific ending events. Let me give you an idea of what I mean. When I called a girl to ask her out on a date I would hope with all my might that she would say "yes" or "I was hoping you would call you handsome man." No matter how the call went, when it was over my "hope" for that event was over. I certainly feel this type of hope is okay but can be rather roller coaster like if it's all based on life events. It either makes you happy or sad in that moment or event. So, to me there has got to be more. Something that brings hope, peace, happiness. My belief is that stems from and grows with one's view and relationship with the Divine and that He loves me. When I have had disappointments in my life I have been able to have the perspective of what matters in life and find hope and peace. Now, throw in depression. For those that view depression as just being down or sad let me shed some light on that. For me, depression puts a choke hold on hope and does not like to let go. I try to look at life with the Divine perspective yearning for hope yet the choke hold continues. Is all hope lost then? Depression strives to make you think so. Life is pretty ugly when you feel that all hope is gone. Why try? Try because there is hope out there!! Via my psychologist, via my psychiatrist, via family, via loved ones, via Divine thoughts I am learning to work with the hairy beast depression. I have come to grips that for now he will be with me but that doesn't mean that I will give up and be a tumble weed to him. Sure there are times he will kick my tail but I am fighting back. Why? Because in the moments of fighting back I have felt glimpses of hope and it was awesome!! I have come to learn that just with the eggs of hot mess I have to go through carton after carton. There may be times when all the eggs are broken but I keep fighting because I know that I will find those eggs that weren't ruined. I keep fighting because I have felt hope in the midst of battle with depression so I know that I can feel it again. Yes, I know that dark and lonely times may be ahead but I also know that hope is out there too. I fight that someday I will be able to shift the balance of feeling more hope than darkness. No matter of what hot mess we may feel like we need not quit on ourselves. Yep, we have a sucky illness that can rob of us hope but he can not rob us of keep trying!