You're Only As Good As ...

The big day came and I graduated from a fine University. During those ten years for a Bachelors Degree I changed my focus on studies like a bazillion times. Okay, maybe not ten years and maybe not a bazillion times, but sure felt like that. During those enjoyable years of study, I would be asked what I "wanted to be." My answer would usually start off with intensely informing them that I would do anything but sales and then share the flavor of the month or months. I was always intrigued by the responses I would get when I shared what I wanted to do. If it wasn't under the umbrella of what everyone thought was a good move, the negative remarks would come. My favorite was, "well be prepared to be unemployed." Thanks for the confidence, right?

Another big day came and that was taking my first job out of college. Any guesses? Yep, a sales job! Why? Well, I had this incredibly beautiful wife and two young gorgeous girls that wanted a place of their own to live and wanted to be able to eat and stuff. Well, to sharpen my interviewing skills I would go to job fair events and one of the companies that interviewed me wanted me to sell their stuff. So, I said, "Okay."

I had the "privilege" of attending a two week training to start things off. The training made me smile now and then because of all the "secrets to sales" they shared, like focus on building trust, finding things in common and striving to find out any concerns. My all time favorite "secret of sales" was what I call the "stare and don't care." How this worked was when the sales person finished their incredible presentation they would pull out the contract, get to the signing page, put down the pen showing where to sign, ask for the business and then stare at the pen. Here's the big secret ... the first person to talk "lost." So if the sales person talked first, they wouldn't get the sale. If the "potential client" talked first, they would usually buy what was being sold. Yep, imagine the awkward lengthy silence; thus, the be strong and don't care. You can only imagine how fun training was when we working on this big secret. Let me just say, oh the sounds of silence. Oh, and by the way, it turns out that most of the business folks I tried this on laughed while saying something like, "your little trick isn't going to work on me."

Fresh out of training, I quickly learned I was solely defined by how much I sold. That was it! Morning sales meeting was entertaining, confusing, full of anxiety and full of anticipation. How your sales for the month determined how you were treated. If your sales were horrible, you were treated not so good. If your sales were awesome, you were treated like a king. I have to admit that I did have an awesome month or two and you bet I enjoyed being treated like a king. It felt awesome! I was asked more about my opinion in sales meetings. I actually didn't have to worry if  sweat  was showing through my shirt and I began to feel this strange feeling called relaxation. After my first good month was over I walked into the sales meeting all happy and joyful, because I had been the king. Then it happened. I was introduced to a saying and line of thinking that I really don't like ... "You're only as good as what you are doing for me this month. Last month doesn't matter!" More than naught, even the saying "What you did for me yesterday doesn't matter!" Or my favorite, "You're only as good as your last Sale", and that good sale better have happened today!

As the years passed going from one company to another, I found that twisted mentality still lived. I was finding that if I wasn't King of the Month or King of the Moment then something was wrong with me. Not a little wrong, but extremely wrong. Experiencing such opposite ends of emotion from "you're incredible" to "I can't believe you're still here" by the same person brought me to question the sincerity and integrity of that person. I got to the point after every reprimand I wanted to answer while bending over, "thank you sir, may I have another" just to get them move on.

Worthless, no value, no good, a liability ... are dark feelings that come with depression. Feelings so strong that they do an incredible and merciless job of convincing you that you are worthless, having no value, no good and being a huge liability to everyone you know and don't know. To the point that the world truly would be a better place without you. Not because you are feeling sad or sorry for your self, but that your brain truly has convinced you are simply nothing, hindering the world and those around you. This set of mind is not a fun place to be and frankly, quite scary. There is no tip toeing through the tulips here. So just have people tell you how awesome you are, how handsome you are, how you are in such high demand, etc. Sure those things are fun to hear, but I can only speak for myself that when that stuff is being said and I'm in that mind set ... I don't believe a word.

The fight here, is truly understanding worth and  being able to accept it. I don't want to admit how long I've been working on this and really how far I have to go. I really don't want to admit how often I feel worthless compared to not. But, here's my take on worth. The bottom line is that it is NOT conditional. Don't let other folks, events or whatever there may be out there define your worth. You have purpose because you are here. You have worth because you are here. If no one reaches out to you today, that doesn't make you worthless! I know the thoughts that come along with that ... "but if I had worth or was important or loved, someone would reach out." Worth is not conditional. If one of your close friends goes down the road of not telling you the truth, that doesn't make you worthless! Worth is not conditional. If people look at you differently because you aren't playing the "norms" of life, that doesn't make you worthless! Worth is not conditional. Getting the picture? If "everything" went wrong in your life, could you still be worth something? YES! Worth is not conditional!

Ah, but now the "accepting" part. Can I tell you how many times my psychologist has told me to accept me for me? It rhymes with PLETHORA! I've learned that I have created so many "labels" in my life to be or accomplish in order to have worth. These little labels have now become huge mountains that I'm currently clawing and fighting to climb one by one. If you were to ask me if I felt I had worth, I would simply look at you with a big smile and lie telling you, "of course!" Why? First because of the mask I wear to protect me. But the feelings of constant worthlessness brings hopelessness ... not fun to talk about or write about. It reminds you of what you are striving not to feel. I'm learning that being able to accept yourself is so personal, can be so different for anyone. Is there more darkness than light? Yep ... but there is light.

Friend of OBE. Thank you!!

Did You Just Call Me a Bully?

I remember one fine day, I was walking down the large hall at my Jr. High minding my own business. The regular chit chat was happening, the same kid was being chased by the Vice Principal for who knows what this time, I had just walked by the lockers of some fine ladies actually getting a smile, and was headed to my next class. A group of larger guys that were in my same grade was coming up to my left, but being that we were at the top of the food chain, being the oldest grade I kept walking by. I never had any issues with them. Imagine my surprise, as I flew across the hall ramming into some lockers, no doubtingly creating the dents of all dents. Upset, I looked over at the guy that shoved me. Yes, he was large and yes, he was with his friends, yet, I gathered all my courage and looked at him ... and walked away.

Bullying somebody is honestly an act or emotion that I just can't get my brain wrapped around. As I have thought about the kid that gave me a free ride into the lockers, I actually feel bad for him. Did he feel so insecure about himself that he needed to provide "dominance" by hurting others? Is that how he gained his ever fleeting self-esteem? Intimidation, too me, is such an act of cowardice. You're bigger than me, or you think you're far more wiser than me, so you strive to hold that over my head to make you become some type of "better" person. Really? Needless to say, I don't like bullying and have made it one of my missions in life to ease that pain for anyone that I have witnessed receiving the bad end of it. And yes, you would think that lack of character would be out grown as adolescence goes adios, but sad to say, even adults can still steep so low as bullying.

Last week I had the pleasure of sitting on the leather couch I have gotten to know so well, visiting my Psychologist. We talked about different things and I received those lovely opened ended questions that I so love (feel the sarcasm). At the end of the session, he told me to be nice to myself and stop being a bully to me. I smiled as I left, but could not get by the point of me being a bully. That was like one of the ultimate low blows to me, but I understood where he was coming from. Case in point, I can walk around my house and yard and only see the "things" that I want to fix that have been calling my name for years. I can sit on the couch and contemplate my life, and the only things that call out to me is what I'm not "succeeding at." I can look at the mirror and only see the spare tire around my belly and finding a fourth chin. I could keep going, but I will stop. It's very easy to stand on the foggy edge looking down the slide of depression and falling down over and over. The pain is real and sadness is real, that comes with depression. I find it interesting that one of my "missions in life" about stopping bullying, I struggle with doing to myself, yet I needed to hear it. Even though, I abhor the negative and darkness of depression, understanding (not living) it more and being aware of it more, actually brings clarity to the steps and actions of working to be healthy. By no means is it easy, but to climb any stairs, it's always nice to see where they are.