Waiting To Enjoy The Moment!

If vampires were real, I think that I would be safe. You see, I have blood that has a tendency to clot every now and then. So I'm thinking it's not the run of the mill type of blood vampires would go for. Or perhaps, it's even more enticing. Oh crap, now I just convinced myself I'm in more danger from vampires. Nice job!

But it is true, my blood likes to clot and yep I've had a couple of them and I've got to say that they really aren't my favorite things to experience. There is definitely the discomfort, but it is the med treatment that I wasn't liking so much when I had one in my leg. I was introduced to lovanox shots. They should really be called, "I'm going to bring you pain" shots. I'm in the category of being able to handle shots every now and then, but these little beauties needed daily attention ... and the attention had to come from me. I had to give myself shots in the belly every day for fourteen days. There was one thing that I had going for me in all this. One of the instructions was to pinch an inch on my belly and then proceed with the shot. Hey, I'm a pro at being able to pinch and inch. You want two inches? No problem! After a while your belly not only feels like, but looks like a pin cushion. I would usually do this brave event in the afternoon, which usually meant early mornings were okay, but not so much for the late mornings. That meant I was getting close to the pain time. The nerves would start saying hello and who knew what the butterflies were doing in my stomach ... not flying in a circle or the same direction, that's for sure. I'd go in my room, prepare a shot, make that face like "I am so not liking this, but hang on for the ride" and then go for it. Pain. Pain. Pain ... relief. Done for the day! I can't tell you how much extreme joy I felt after doing the fourteenth shot. Not missing that situation at all!

My mom did an awesome job with teaching me about enjoying the moment. Looking forward to exciting events or things is always fun, but can be so fleeting. Poof. Gone just like that. I liked that philosophy and tried to live it a lot, even in not so much fun times. However, what about when times are just awful ... you pick the scenario. I could not wait until it was over so I could get back about enjoying the moment.

What happens when the awful scenario lingers for years? What happens when it's the darkness of depression or the pain of anxiety? No joy. No happiness. Being taken back when someone comments how long it has been since they have seen you smile. Not wanting to really be in that moment over and over and over. Who wants to concentrate on a moment when you're not sure if you are going to make it through the day or trying to decide if you can remember who you even were before this destruction began? Not me! I wanted to disappear from it all! I wanted to distract myself with anything as long as it would take away the pain, the suffering ... the not wanting to be.

The darkness has a way of robbing you from those "enjoy the moment" moments and that sucks! I wish I could say that I was able to figure out the magic answer when I was in my darkest of times of how to enjoy the moment, but I didn't. Oh did I try, but I didn't. I can tell you this though. It is not about having enough "willpower" to make it happen instantly  It's about being brave, about being fighting mad, about being determined that you won't lose. It's about crying your eyes out, being knocked down, but pulling yourself up for another day. It's about not giving in to the demons of depression. It's about holding on to a love that you can't feel, but are being told that is there. It's about holding on to that hope, that someday you'll be able to have the choice to stop and enjoy the moment. I can only you tell you from my experience that it will come! How? I have fought daily! I have cursed at the demons! I have worked and worked and worked with my psychologist and still take meds. I held on to a faith in God that I was angry at for not giving me peace in all this and wondered where He was in all this. I fought and still fight. Making it through the day is a victory. Making it through a tough night is a victory! Making it through an extremely bad situation is a victory! Making it through heaviness of an unwarranted guilt and taking a deep breath is a victory! Those victories are your moments!