Hot Green Lava

There was a period of time when I was a young one that I simply couldn't wait to get up on Sunday mornings. My mom would like to think it was because of my excitement to go to church, but that would come later ... how much later I will leave a mystery. Now mother nature played a crucial role if Sunday mornings were awesome or merely an "oh man" moment. If you know me, you may think I would be leaning to a snowy morning. I would roll the dice on that one too; however, not so much on this one. You see, if mother nature was playing nice letting the sun do its thing, the sun would shine through a narrow window by the front door creating a long line of light about a foot or two wide on the living room carpet. Of course the carpet was a shaggy carpet and in this case green. As the sun would shine on the carpet the Hot Green Lava came to life. My older siblings and I would do all we could to stay away from the lava not wanting to get burned. In fact, my older siblings would help me ... yep, I said they would help me. After a while, like 5 minutes, we would begin to get careless walking closer to the lava, even pretending like we were going to step in it; yet, we would not go passed the invisible barrier. Now when the sun came through the big front window and pretty much lit up all the carpet, all bets were off as we danced on the furniture striving to deal with the Hot Green Lava chaos!

Through these past five years as I have met with my psychologist and psychiatrist spending a lot of time on the lovely leather couch, I have started and am still working on what I call my trigger map. My fine docs are really big about journalizing and when your done with that, journalize a little more. Why? Well, when the severe depression or anxiety kicks in you are able to write down what has been going on to see if something triggered it. Basically, you are finding the landmine of triggers out there and when you find one you know what to avoid. See, when one touches a hot burner, and I'm not talking about a cute person doing drugs in the 80's I'm talking about those things that get hot on the stove, you know that you don't want to touch that ever again. In fact, loved ones teach and help with knowing not to touch it. It will do damage. It's that simple! You don't hear a loved one encouraging one to work through the pain of the burn or will yourself through it. They tell you to stay away! So, for the past five years I have been building this map of triggers. Some that I simply have to stay away from and others that hurt, but am working hard on learning to cope. I have built huge barriers and or boundaries striving to protect me. Sadly, I wish that I could say that I have learned all my triggers, but I have found that is not the case. One example of my triggers is a quick change of plans. Sounds weird I know, but if something is planned and is changed the last minute or something just comes out of the blue I've learned ... well, let me just say that is like putting firecrackers in the fire. Imagine living a lifestyle or vacation like that. BOOM! 

I've also learned that these triggers don't play nice at all! What happens if they start showing up at places that you enjoy like church, movies, sports events etc. Nothing like going to church and having a trigger show up out of no where. You think Fight or Flight, right? 99% of the time is getting the heck out of dodge. Makes for a great conversation with your kids about the importance of going to church while you haven't gone for a bit and when Saturday rolls around the anxiety, depression, guilt ... you name it, starts coming in the game. What do you do? Survive and strive to learn how to cope understanding there is no time table. 

One last thought that I've been thinking about over and over. Lately I've come across the, "he's just acting like that because of his mental illness and he must be in a valley of his peaks and valleys." This comes after someone has carelessly knocked down a barrier or boundary. So, let me see if I have this correct. Someone has carelessly handled one's trust, which is GOLD to those that have mental illness, and their reaction is due to their mental illness. Apparently, their feelings have no meaning or value? "Oh, your acting like that because of your mental illness." So, if I like you is that due to my mental illness?  

Okay, so maybe one more last thought. Finding happiness while fighting mental illness is ... I'm really not sure of the word. I wanted to say tricky, but that just doesn't feel right. See, if you rely on people reaching out to you or letting you know they are thinking of you to make you happy, you never will be. Not because people are bad, but because you are relying on other's actions to make you happy. It will never be enough. This is an illness that no one can step in and do for you. You have the help of the docs and the meds, but they are there to support. You have to take the steps though and it's okay if a step takes a week, month or months. It's your battle, let no else give you advice they know nothing about. I know all this because it is what I have fought and am fighting through. I fight, but the support is not only nice, but important. Too many fall in "not doing anything because they don't know what to do." Does that mean the onus is on them for my success or getting better? Nope. Loneliness is a heavy burden for those with mental illness and feeling love and support can make a huge difference. Simply honor their boundaries. Let them know they are loved.