I enjoy organization. One might say that I love being organized. One may say that I love it a bit too much. If you were to look in my closet, not only would you see the shirts separated by short sleeve and long sleeve, but actually organized by color. Yep, I'm that type of guy. You could say that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Want another example? Okay. When I first got married I was the one that kept track of the finances. I was the guy that knew down to the penny how much was in our bank account. I could tell you just how much we spent on expenses and such. Mind you that this was all before Excel. I used good old ledger sheets. Not bad so far, right? Well, I had all sorts of fun using different colors of pens and such on the ledger sheets I used to keep track of the bank account. It was awesome! The rub is when I would make a mistake. Some may say to just cross out the line and use the next line below. Well, I couldn't do that. I would start a new sheet all over again. Yep, one simple mistake and a new sheet had to be done. Why? Looking at the pristine sheet, all I could see was the mistake, over and over again. All the other lines where everything was correct was simply not good enough. My sweet loving wife would try to convince me that it was okay, yet I would still fix it. After a while she knew that was just what I did. The funny thing of it all is after I filed it away, the next time I saw it was when I was throwing it away years down the road. I will have to admit that when Excel came out I was like a kid in a candy store, like a kid on Christmas Morning, like a 43 year old handsome man named Ken drinking the first Egg Nog of the season! It was awesome!
In the past years or so as I have fought mental illness, I have come to really dislike the word "better." I mean really dislike it! I'm not talking about the use of getting better or healing, I'm talking about "doing things" better that others bring to my attention or tell me what to do. I have talked with others, sat in meetings, etc where the topic is doing things better. Like, "hey, lets talk about how you can be better at" ... fill in the blank. Pretty petty right? Let me introduce to you to one of what is called an "Error In Thinking" that is found in people with depression. Things are "all or nothing." If your telling me that I need to be better at something, that means I am not only failing in that topic, but also everything else in my life. My brain is already doing a bang up job of convincing me of that, so when others start telling me about being better, I simply feel and think that my life is not good enough. Then, there are those rare, yet devastating times when someone does use the words, "not good enough." I simply don't want to admit how long it takes to fight to get rid of that darkness. The coveted ability of being able to distinguish or break down things in life of doing awesome at or others that need a bit of improvement, is not there for me more than not. So, you may be thinking, "Holy smokes! What word do I use than better?" I personally like the word "stronger." It implies that there already is a strength be it how small it may be. Now if you were talking about my biceps, there would be no need to talk about the need of being stronger ... in my dreams.
Then there is what I call the but eraser. Note that I am using one "t" here. If you thought I was talking about shrinking the backyard, I'm sorry. Have you ever noticed how the word "but" can be used when talking to someone about something they did? Before I had a plethora of training on giving "feedback properly" I noticed it and really have to say I wasn't a fan and am still not. So here is an example, "I love how your hair looks today, but man it sure is greasy." What do you think the person that received the compliment is thinking about ... yep, greasy hair. Everything before the word "but" is gone. Poof! Bam! Adios! ... and any other words like that. In my loving training of giving feedback, it is drilled in your head that you have to give a positive and a negative. "Man that was an awesome throw, but it missed the receiver by a mile." Get the take? As I have battled depression I have been amazed that more times, far more times than not, all I can see is the negative ... especially about myself. You're simply not good enough! Why try if you're going to fail?! You not being good enough is pulling so many down!
Now that I've scared you about your use of "words" around those with depression, let me say that this is me sharing what I've learned. I had NO idea myself before going through this. We all say wrong things at times and really don't know better until we learn. PLEASE KNOW that it is far better to talk with one that has depression and learn what words may cause dark feelings than simply not talk at all, leaving them all alone left with their thoughts.
Now to those that fight the "all or nothing." This is one of those things that I have learned and can see "logically", yet getting there is the fight. If you fail at ABC, that doesn't mean you fail with the whole ALPHABET. If your dishes stay in the sink over night, that doesn't make the rest of the house a disaster or all the other dishes dirty. If you aren't able to buy every new gadget for your kids, that doesn't mean you're a horrible parent. If you aren't able to buy Ken Egg Nog, you are still his friend. Simply, it's totally okay to have the line crossed out and start again.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Saturday, July 25, 2015
You're Only As Good As ...
The big day came and I graduated from a fine University. During those ten years for a Bachelors Degree I changed my focus on studies like a bazillion times. Okay, maybe not ten years and maybe not a bazillion times, but sure felt like that. During those enjoyable years of study, I would be asked what I "wanted to be." My answer would usually start off with intensely informing them that I would do anything but sales and then share the flavor of the month or months. I was always intrigued by the responses I would get when I shared what I wanted to do. If it wasn't under the umbrella of what everyone thought was a good move, the negative remarks would come. My favorite was, "well be prepared to be unemployed." Thanks for the confidence, right?
Another big day came and that was taking my first job out of college. Any guesses? Yep, a sales job! Why? Well, I had this incredibly beautiful wife and two young gorgeous girls that wanted a place of their own to live and wanted to be able to eat and stuff. Well, to sharpen my interviewing skills I would go to job fair events and one of the companies that interviewed me wanted me to sell their stuff. So, I said, "Okay."
I had the "privilege" of attending a two week training to start things off. The training made me smile now and then because of all the "secrets to sales" they shared, like focus on building trust, finding things in common and striving to find out any concerns. My all time favorite "secret of sales" was what I call the "stare and don't care." How this worked was when the sales person finished their incredible presentation they would pull out the contract, get to the signing page, put down the pen showing where to sign, ask for the business and then stare at the pen. Here's the big secret ... the first person to talk "lost." So if the sales person talked first, they wouldn't get the sale. If the "potential client" talked first, they would usually buy what was being sold. Yep, imagine the awkward lengthy silence; thus, the be strong and don't care. You can only imagine how fun training was when we working on this big secret. Let me just say, oh the sounds of silence. Oh, and by the way, it turns out that most of the business folks I tried this on laughed while saying something like, "your little trick isn't going to work on me."
Fresh out of training, I quickly learned I was solely defined by how much I sold. That was it! Morning sales meeting was entertaining, confusing, full of anxiety and full of anticipation. How your sales for the month determined how you were treated. If your sales were horrible, you were treated not so good. If your sales were awesome, you were treated like a king. I have to admit that I did have an awesome month or two and you bet I enjoyed being treated like a king. It felt awesome! I was asked more about my opinion in sales meetings. I actually didn't have to worry if sweat was showing through my shirt and I began to feel this strange feeling called relaxation. After my first good month was over I walked into the sales meeting all happy and joyful, because I had been the king. Then it happened. I was introduced to a saying and line of thinking that I really don't like ... "You're only as good as what you are doing for me this month. Last month doesn't matter!" More than naught, even the saying "What you did for me yesterday doesn't matter!" Or my favorite, "You're only as good as your last Sale", and that good sale better have happened today!
As the years passed going from one company to another, I found that twisted mentality still lived. I was finding that if I wasn't King of the Month or King of the Moment then something was wrong with me. Not a little wrong, but extremely wrong. Experiencing such opposite ends of emotion from "you're incredible" to "I can't believe you're still here" by the same person brought me to question the sincerity and integrity of that person. I got to the point after every reprimand I wanted to answer while bending over, "thank you sir, may I have another" just to get them move on.
Worthless, no value, no good, a liability ... are dark feelings that come with depression. Feelings so strong that they do an incredible and merciless job of convincing you that you are worthless, having no value, no good and being a huge liability to everyone you know and don't know. To the point that the world truly would be a better place without you. Not because you are feeling sad or sorry for your self, but that your brain truly has convinced you are simply nothing, hindering the world and those around you. This set of mind is not a fun place to be and frankly, quite scary. There is no tip toeing through the tulips here. So just have people tell you how awesome you are, how handsome you are, how you are in such high demand, etc. Sure those things are fun to hear, but I can only speak for myself that when that stuff is being said and I'm in that mind set ... I don't believe a word.
The fight here, is truly understanding worth and being able to accept it. I don't want to admit how long I've been working on this and really how far I have to go. I really don't want to admit how often I feel worthless compared to not. But, here's my take on worth. The bottom line is that it is NOT conditional. Don't let other folks, events or whatever there may be out there define your worth. You have purpose because you are here. You have worth because you are here. If no one reaches out to you today, that doesn't make you worthless! I know the thoughts that come along with that ... "but if I had worth or was important or loved, someone would reach out." Worth is not conditional. If one of your close friends goes down the road of not telling you the truth, that doesn't make you worthless! Worth is not conditional. If people look at you differently because you aren't playing the "norms" of life, that doesn't make you worthless! Worth is not conditional. Getting the picture? If "everything" went wrong in your life, could you still be worth something? YES! Worth is not conditional!
Ah, but now the "accepting" part. Can I tell you how many times my psychologist has told me to accept me for me? It rhymes with PLETHORA! I've learned that I have created so many "labels" in my life to be or accomplish in order to have worth. These little labels have now become huge mountains that I'm currently clawing and fighting to climb one by one. If you were to ask me if I felt I had worth, I would simply look at you with a big smile and lie telling you, "of course!" Why? First because of the mask I wear to protect me. But the feelings of constant worthlessness brings hopelessness ... not fun to talk about or write about. It reminds you of what you are striving not to feel. I'm learning that being able to accept yourself is so personal, can be so different for anyone. Is there more darkness than light? Yep ... but there is light.
Friend of OBE. Thank you!!
Another big day came and that was taking my first job out of college. Any guesses? Yep, a sales job! Why? Well, I had this incredibly beautiful wife and two young gorgeous girls that wanted a place of their own to live and wanted to be able to eat and stuff. Well, to sharpen my interviewing skills I would go to job fair events and one of the companies that interviewed me wanted me to sell their stuff. So, I said, "Okay."
I had the "privilege" of attending a two week training to start things off. The training made me smile now and then because of all the "secrets to sales" they shared, like focus on building trust, finding things in common and striving to find out any concerns. My all time favorite "secret of sales" was what I call the "stare and don't care." How this worked was when the sales person finished their incredible presentation they would pull out the contract, get to the signing page, put down the pen showing where to sign, ask for the business and then stare at the pen. Here's the big secret ... the first person to talk "lost." So if the sales person talked first, they wouldn't get the sale. If the "potential client" talked first, they would usually buy what was being sold. Yep, imagine the awkward lengthy silence; thus, the be strong and don't care. You can only imagine how fun training was when we working on this big secret. Let me just say, oh the sounds of silence. Oh, and by the way, it turns out that most of the business folks I tried this on laughed while saying something like, "your little trick isn't going to work on me."
Fresh out of training, I quickly learned I was solely defined by how much I sold. That was it! Morning sales meeting was entertaining, confusing, full of anxiety and full of anticipation. How your sales for the month determined how you were treated. If your sales were horrible, you were treated not so good. If your sales were awesome, you were treated like a king. I have to admit that I did have an awesome month or two and you bet I enjoyed being treated like a king. It felt awesome! I was asked more about my opinion in sales meetings. I actually didn't have to worry if sweat was showing through my shirt and I began to feel this strange feeling called relaxation. After my first good month was over I walked into the sales meeting all happy and joyful, because I had been the king. Then it happened. I was introduced to a saying and line of thinking that I really don't like ... "You're only as good as what you are doing for me this month. Last month doesn't matter!" More than naught, even the saying "What you did for me yesterday doesn't matter!" Or my favorite, "You're only as good as your last Sale", and that good sale better have happened today!
As the years passed going from one company to another, I found that twisted mentality still lived. I was finding that if I wasn't King of the Month or King of the Moment then something was wrong with me. Not a little wrong, but extremely wrong. Experiencing such opposite ends of emotion from "you're incredible" to "I can't believe you're still here" by the same person brought me to question the sincerity and integrity of that person. I got to the point after every reprimand I wanted to answer while bending over, "thank you sir, may I have another" just to get them move on.
Worthless, no value, no good, a liability ... are dark feelings that come with depression. Feelings so strong that they do an incredible and merciless job of convincing you that you are worthless, having no value, no good and being a huge liability to everyone you know and don't know. To the point that the world truly would be a better place without you. Not because you are feeling sad or sorry for your self, but that your brain truly has convinced you are simply nothing, hindering the world and those around you. This set of mind is not a fun place to be and frankly, quite scary. There is no tip toeing through the tulips here. So just have people tell you how awesome you are, how handsome you are, how you are in such high demand, etc. Sure those things are fun to hear, but I can only speak for myself that when that stuff is being said and I'm in that mind set ... I don't believe a word.
The fight here, is truly understanding worth and being able to accept it. I don't want to admit how long I've been working on this and really how far I have to go. I really don't want to admit how often I feel worthless compared to not. But, here's my take on worth. The bottom line is that it is NOT conditional. Don't let other folks, events or whatever there may be out there define your worth. You have purpose because you are here. You have worth because you are here. If no one reaches out to you today, that doesn't make you worthless! I know the thoughts that come along with that ... "but if I had worth or was important or loved, someone would reach out." Worth is not conditional. If one of your close friends goes down the road of not telling you the truth, that doesn't make you worthless! Worth is not conditional. If people look at you differently because you aren't playing the "norms" of life, that doesn't make you worthless! Worth is not conditional. Getting the picture? If "everything" went wrong in your life, could you still be worth something? YES! Worth is not conditional!
Ah, but now the "accepting" part. Can I tell you how many times my psychologist has told me to accept me for me? It rhymes with PLETHORA! I've learned that I have created so many "labels" in my life to be or accomplish in order to have worth. These little labels have now become huge mountains that I'm currently clawing and fighting to climb one by one. If you were to ask me if I felt I had worth, I would simply look at you with a big smile and lie telling you, "of course!" Why? First because of the mask I wear to protect me. But the feelings of constant worthlessness brings hopelessness ... not fun to talk about or write about. It reminds you of what you are striving not to feel. I'm learning that being able to accept yourself is so personal, can be so different for anyone. Is there more darkness than light? Yep ... but there is light.
Friend of OBE. Thank you!!
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Four Score and The Squeaky Wheel
I remember walking on a cold February day, thinking of what a Psychologist and I had just talked about. It was the first time that we met and words like depression and anxiety had been words to describe other people, but now I was in that mix having emotion after emotion surge through my body having no idea what to do with them grasping for some type of handle. Well, early last month marked four years since that day. Like any day, it came and went. I don't find it a day I buy balloons, bake me a cake and enjoy a Coke while throwing confetti in the air. I find that I do more thinking about how the journey has gone ... thinking about what I've learned realizing that the score is more wins than losses. How do I know? I'm still here breathing. Okay, so I had a bit of levity there using Four and Score ... I know it's eighty years, but I've always wanted to say that or write that. Mark another off the bucket list if you will. With that said, here are just a few thoughts about that last four years. Yep, they are my thoughts ... take the risk of reading, I dare you!
Why do people go to the hospital to visit others with some sort of ailment? I can only speak from my own experience, but for me it was to show support and love. Heck, even maybe bring a balloon, card or flowers. Who am I kidding? I was never good at bringing stuff, I just wanted to come and say hello and try to bring a smile. Never in my mind was I going to the hospital to "cure" or "fix" my friend. I didn't want anything to do with touching anything. Even touching the remote to the TV or adjusting the bed made me very uneasy. I had the opportunity of being in a hospital for a couple of days when I was a teenager. They can be lonely times. This was a time before "texting" or the other plethora of other social media ... I know I am old! Having visitors was huge! The smiles came easier. The loneliness seemed not so heavy. The act of love was simple, yet had a powerful effect. Those with the ailment of mental illness should be no different, but it is. The irony is that the simple acts of love is what those with mental illness need more than anything, yet stigma, fear of not knowing what to say or do is strong. When people came to visit me in the hospital when I was young, they didn't talk about my surgery, or how the procedure was done. They were there to support, love, bring comfort and joy.
Can I tell you how much I loathe, "The Squeaky Wheel gets The Grease." I have witnessed so many experiences of people getting the promotion, the sale, the last item, the good booth, etc when so many others deserved them more ... and of course the reason is they made the most noise or stink about it. For whatever reason, if a stink or noise isn't made about an issue then that person must not have one. Let me share a little secret here, those that have mental illness will not squeak. In fact, you will be lucky if you get them to make any sound. The heaviness of the stigma wins too many times. I've gotten tired of hiding my mental illness and have opened up, yet I will admit my shoulders get tired often of the stigma. Meeting people for the first time is always fun. Telling them you are fighting a mental illness is like a fart at church ... you get many different reactions. There's the "wow I don't know what to do, so I will ignore it." Then there is the "wow, can you believe the nerve!" This one is usually folks that don't really believe in mental illness. Rarely does it turn into any type of concern. I know of many that are fighting daily their mental illness be it meds or talking with a person with a leather couch. Those that haven't made any steps and are suffering are the those that truly need the "grease" ... love and support.
Taking a step can take a day, months or years. This isn't because of denial or not wanting to progress, but has to do with how horrific the darkness can be. Spiralling down grasping for any hope of truth or principle and not finding it is horrifying. How can one lose sight of such things? I can only speak of my experience here ... for whatever reason, I have had to go through questioning everything. Not a pretty sight at times. There is such a helpless feeling like your "anchor" is gone and you're being tossed around. I know it has been since Nov of last year that I have written anything. I wish it was because I had made huge progress. Let me just say, I'm in the middle of making a step. Patience by others and by those fighting mental illness can be so hard, but is as crucial as eating some good fiber after eating rice and cheese.
My Psychologist once told me that relying on others acts of love and comfort to bring a sense of happiness will do more damage than good ... the acts of love will simply not be enough. I think of that everyday. The days that folks reach out to me means a lot, I won't lie about that. Sadly, there are days though when I am left to my thoughts. The true battle of depression is striving to find happiness on your own. The darkness is real. The feeling of literally being pulled down is real. Thus, the difficulty of finding happiness. Please note, I didn't say you will never experience happiness. I know when I experience the glimpses of happiness the peace it brings is unreal! Finding those glimpses is the fight.
Lastly, I look at the world in a different way now. It's not because I'm hanging upside down. It's not because I'm shorter or taller. It's not even because I'm on the verge of getting bifocals. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I'll take a swing. I'm far more clearer on what defines me and what I let fall on the ground leaving it behind. Depression has made me so insecure, which is such a pain in the backyard, yet pondering for hours and even days on the emotions insecurity brings has in a strange way brought some kind of clearer understanding.
I share these thoughts and ideas not to bring on any light to me. I share them with hopes it will help those fighting depression or anyone with mental illness. I share them with hopes to teach those without mental illness how to be helpful and know that your acts of love is like gold. I share them with hopes that the stigma will lose it's strength bringing more smiles and peace.
Why do people go to the hospital to visit others with some sort of ailment? I can only speak from my own experience, but for me it was to show support and love. Heck, even maybe bring a balloon, card or flowers. Who am I kidding? I was never good at bringing stuff, I just wanted to come and say hello and try to bring a smile. Never in my mind was I going to the hospital to "cure" or "fix" my friend. I didn't want anything to do with touching anything. Even touching the remote to the TV or adjusting the bed made me very uneasy. I had the opportunity of being in a hospital for a couple of days when I was a teenager. They can be lonely times. This was a time before "texting" or the other plethora of other social media ... I know I am old! Having visitors was huge! The smiles came easier. The loneliness seemed not so heavy. The act of love was simple, yet had a powerful effect. Those with the ailment of mental illness should be no different, but it is. The irony is that the simple acts of love is what those with mental illness need more than anything, yet stigma, fear of not knowing what to say or do is strong. When people came to visit me in the hospital when I was young, they didn't talk about my surgery, or how the procedure was done. They were there to support, love, bring comfort and joy.
Can I tell you how much I loathe, "The Squeaky Wheel gets The Grease." I have witnessed so many experiences of people getting the promotion, the sale, the last item, the good booth, etc when so many others deserved them more ... and of course the reason is they made the most noise or stink about it. For whatever reason, if a stink or noise isn't made about an issue then that person must not have one. Let me share a little secret here, those that have mental illness will not squeak. In fact, you will be lucky if you get them to make any sound. The heaviness of the stigma wins too many times. I've gotten tired of hiding my mental illness and have opened up, yet I will admit my shoulders get tired often of the stigma. Meeting people for the first time is always fun. Telling them you are fighting a mental illness is like a fart at church ... you get many different reactions. There's the "wow I don't know what to do, so I will ignore it." Then there is the "wow, can you believe the nerve!" This one is usually folks that don't really believe in mental illness. Rarely does it turn into any type of concern. I know of many that are fighting daily their mental illness be it meds or talking with a person with a leather couch. Those that haven't made any steps and are suffering are the those that truly need the "grease" ... love and support.
Taking a step can take a day, months or years. This isn't because of denial or not wanting to progress, but has to do with how horrific the darkness can be. Spiralling down grasping for any hope of truth or principle and not finding it is horrifying. How can one lose sight of such things? I can only speak of my experience here ... for whatever reason, I have had to go through questioning everything. Not a pretty sight at times. There is such a helpless feeling like your "anchor" is gone and you're being tossed around. I know it has been since Nov of last year that I have written anything. I wish it was because I had made huge progress. Let me just say, I'm in the middle of making a step. Patience by others and by those fighting mental illness can be so hard, but is as crucial as eating some good fiber after eating rice and cheese.
My Psychologist once told me that relying on others acts of love and comfort to bring a sense of happiness will do more damage than good ... the acts of love will simply not be enough. I think of that everyday. The days that folks reach out to me means a lot, I won't lie about that. Sadly, there are days though when I am left to my thoughts. The true battle of depression is striving to find happiness on your own. The darkness is real. The feeling of literally being pulled down is real. Thus, the difficulty of finding happiness. Please note, I didn't say you will never experience happiness. I know when I experience the glimpses of happiness the peace it brings is unreal! Finding those glimpses is the fight.
Lastly, I look at the world in a different way now. It's not because I'm hanging upside down. It's not because I'm shorter or taller. It's not even because I'm on the verge of getting bifocals. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I'll take a swing. I'm far more clearer on what defines me and what I let fall on the ground leaving it behind. Depression has made me so insecure, which is such a pain in the backyard, yet pondering for hours and even days on the emotions insecurity brings has in a strange way brought some kind of clearer understanding.
I share these thoughts and ideas not to bring on any light to me. I share them with hopes it will help those fighting depression or anyone with mental illness. I share them with hopes to teach those without mental illness how to be helpful and know that your acts of love is like gold. I share them with hopes that the stigma will lose it's strength bringing more smiles and peace.
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