1 Day Til Death

1 Day Til Death ... sounds like a great metal band doesn't it? Who knows, there might be one out there. Boy, starting off with a tangent is always a delight isn't it? Alright, I will try to bring it home. In my life, a question has been asked of me scattered over the years. It goes something like this, "what would you do if you knew you were going to die tomorrow? If you died today or tomorrow, are you ready to meet your maker?" I believe that in some occassions the question came trying to motivate me by fear to have my life in order, but in most cases I believe the intention was pure to have me to do some of that lovely introspection. In grade school was the first time I heard that question and actually heard it far more than once. My thoughts back then was easy. I wanted to do all the things I hadn't done yet in life ... see famous places, eat awesome things, and of course, kiss that pretty girl that really didn't give me much attention. As junior high and high school came around I was casually testing the boundaries of what I could get away with. So, when that question came about death, I usually felt fear because in my heart I felt God wouldn't want to be with me due to my "exploring life." I truly did not understand the mission of the Messiah. As I got married and my incredibly cool kids came along, I would think if my family was set up financially. That quickly was taken away as I thought about how badly I would miss my beautiful wife and amazing kids. In my heart, I felt and still feel I would see them again after my turn was done on this earth ... I just would miss them terribly.

Living a life of thinking about if today was the day it was over is not a great way to live. That to me is like looking constantly down placing your feet ever so carefully while missing the view of the Grand Canyon or majestic Rocky Mountains or seeing the incredible healing waters of any beach. I think you get the point.

Let me shift gears here a bit. What if you knew that someone was trying to kill you? What if you knew that the person was going to try every day? What if you knew that person? What if that person lived close to you? What if that person lived in your head? Please note, I did NOT say it was you. "You" is the heathly person ... the person in your head is illness.

As the dark abyss of depression began taking over my life and suicidal thoughts began to become suicidal battles, I was getting my tail kicked, but not beat. I learned quickly that I was in the battle of my life, literally. In my darkest of times, I would honestly wake up in the morning wondering if that was the day I was going to lose. If that was the date that would read on my tombstone, with some clever comment about enjoying some Egg Nog by the big Christmas tree in the sky. See, that's the kicker about fighting the illness trying to convince you that things are better off without you ... all it needs is only one time to win.

Being with sincere loving people that I know care about me helps me. Being on meds help me. Meeting with my psychologist and psychiatrist help me. A loving God helps me ... yes, I honestly let him know how I feel, which at times is mad at him and at this; yet, I know He loves me. What do I mean by helps me? It's easier to win a battle with more people on your side ... people you know that are on your side. People that know you know they are on your side, not those that assume weekly. There are times when I'm approached by the suicidal thoughts that seem like an ant amongst giants. Yet, there are still times when suicidal thought is a warrior and I simply run by distracting myself, while "calling all angels." I'm not affaid to die, I know my Savior and God. I just want to die when it's the right time ... not because I lost.