Looking Through The Glass

I have to admit that I am a people watcher. Yep, I don't deny it one bit. I'm curious about folk's backgrounds and why they do what they do. Needless to say, I have to be careful when I go out to dine with others, that I don't spend all my time watching folks and turning out to be a dreadful mistake and waist of time. I don't know if I have always been like this or if over the years with my employment that required me to do A LOT of observing, if it just became part of me. I actually spent some time where I observed and worked with teachers that were teaching missionaries. At times I would be asked to have a class meet in the "observation room." What did this mean? Have you ever been in one of those interrogation rooms where they have the mirror/window like on TV? Don't worry, you don't have to answer. Well, that's what this room had. At times other teacher supervisors would want to meet and be able to discuss what was happening, but not be a disturbance; thus, the one way mirror thing. There was a device that we could turn on to be able to hear those in the room, but it did not work the best. It's amazing how much you miss when you can't hear what is being said being left up to your own judgements. Working at night in that little dark room did wonders with me getting to know the sandman.

Later in my employment life, I got to be the guy that people got to "discuss" their concerns with how the company I worked for handled their money. I learned rather fast that one of the most important things I had in my office was a comfortable chair because of the great need of being able to sit back and relax and simply listen ... not judge, but listen. These little get-togethers could be very quick with the client getting to the point, be it yelling, red faced or calling me names I later had to look up. Other times I could be tied up for a while listening to a family history lesson of sorts. When I was first introduced to this type of employ I had no clue how to handle these situations. I did a lot of smiling while calling on the powers above to either get me out of that situation or let it come to a quick close. Looking back, one of the most beneficial things I learned was that everyone is different and wears all sorts of masks of emotions to hide truly how they are. I had people that came in threatening me and when all was said and done, they were in tears. It wasn't because I gave them a good beat down ... even though the temptation grew strong at times. The most powerful thing I learned that had people open up was when they felt I cared and they could trust me.

Have you ever stopped for a moment and really thought about the people that you trust? I mean really trust. For me, I think there are different levels of trust I have with folks, but those that I truly trust with all my heart is few in number. Depression has brought me what I like to call the twin stooges ... Insecurity and Vulnerability. Never in my life have I felt these so strongly and they consume me. That is why I am the king of masks. Unless you're in my small group of folks I trust, and even then the times are few, 100% of the time I'm wearing a mask of smiles and joy. Why? I've really got to be able to trust you. I've really got to feel that if I open up, you won't laugh at how I describe my emotions and claim they're not valid or don't make sense. Believe me, I know they don't make sense. I've got to believe that you will have my back ALL the time. I've got to know that you won't push or probe if I simply don't want to talk about the illness and just want to have company to help support me. I've got to know that you care about me. I've got to know that you won't think less of me. Yep, that is a lot of stipulations. I think that's why I trust few and am lonely a lot. It's like getting out of the shower and grabbing a towel that has been on the towel rod too long and does not smell divine ... it's quite unpleasant.

I did an experiment this past week about the phrase, "how you doing?" Not like how Joey says it on Friends, but simply asking. In my experience, it has become more of a greeting than actually a sincere question. Some don't even finish the question until after they have walked right by you. One of these days I want to answer something about a unicorn that is smoking maryjane and see what kind of response I get. So I know there are those that are thinking, "what do I say?" Try, "nice to see you."

One last thought, and then I will try to make some type of conclusion with all of these thoughts. I've grown up in a culture where I'm asked, "is there anything I/we can do for you?" Most times I reply "nope" when I know there are things I need help with and it's because of the stupid man pride thing. I've been taught that if I need things I need to ask, which again was hard. As mental illness walked in my door it was new to me, my family and those around us. The common reply was, "let me know what you need." That is one of those putting the square block in the round hole scenarios ... it doesn't work. That trust thing is in the way. I even tried one time getting brave letting know what I needed ... it didn't happen.

All right, I have put all the ingredients in the bowl. Let me see if I can pull it all together now. When I hear someone say, "Oh, I SAW him the other day and he looked great," responding to how a person with mental illness is doing, I cringe. You "saw" but don't have a clue. You looked through the observation glass, but didn't hear anything. When I hear someone say, "I'm just waiting for them to ask me for help," regarding someone with mental illness, I cringe. When I hear, "I asked them how they were doing when I walked by them and they said 'great'", regarding someone with mental illness, I cringe. Please know that I'm not getting on a soap box and saying everyone is like this. I see some energy and focus on being more aware of those with mental illness. To me, that is half the battle. Having and idea of how to use the energy and focus is crucial. It reminds me of four year old children so excited to play soccer for the first time, but have no idea the best way to approach it except run around in a group all trying to kick the ball. As they learn what works best, the outcome is greater.

Okay, so if you have made it this far reading ... thanks. I didn't mean to write a book tonight. Loneliness hurts and when you feel it's your fault it seems to stink worse. I can promise, and I don't use that word "promise" lightly, that there are folks in your circle of friends or that are close to you that are suffering. Be that friend they can trust.  

1 Day Til Death

1 Day Til Death ... sounds like a great metal band doesn't it? Who knows, there might be one out there. Boy, starting off with a tangent is always a delight isn't it? Alright, I will try to bring it home. In my life, a question has been asked of me scattered over the years. It goes something like this, "what would you do if you knew you were going to die tomorrow? If you died today or tomorrow, are you ready to meet your maker?" I believe that in some occassions the question came trying to motivate me by fear to have my life in order, but in most cases I believe the intention was pure to have me to do some of that lovely introspection. In grade school was the first time I heard that question and actually heard it far more than once. My thoughts back then was easy. I wanted to do all the things I hadn't done yet in life ... see famous places, eat awesome things, and of course, kiss that pretty girl that really didn't give me much attention. As junior high and high school came around I was casually testing the boundaries of what I could get away with. So, when that question came about death, I usually felt fear because in my heart I felt God wouldn't want to be with me due to my "exploring life." I truly did not understand the mission of the Messiah. As I got married and my incredibly cool kids came along, I would think if my family was set up financially. That quickly was taken away as I thought about how badly I would miss my beautiful wife and amazing kids. In my heart, I felt and still feel I would see them again after my turn was done on this earth ... I just would miss them terribly.

Living a life of thinking about if today was the day it was over is not a great way to live. That to me is like looking constantly down placing your feet ever so carefully while missing the view of the Grand Canyon or majestic Rocky Mountains or seeing the incredible healing waters of any beach. I think you get the point.

Let me shift gears here a bit. What if you knew that someone was trying to kill you? What if you knew that the person was going to try every day? What if you knew that person? What if that person lived close to you? What if that person lived in your head? Please note, I did NOT say it was you. "You" is the heathly person ... the person in your head is illness.

As the dark abyss of depression began taking over my life and suicidal thoughts began to become suicidal battles, I was getting my tail kicked, but not beat. I learned quickly that I was in the battle of my life, literally. In my darkest of times, I would honestly wake up in the morning wondering if that was the day I was going to lose. If that was the date that would read on my tombstone, with some clever comment about enjoying some Egg Nog by the big Christmas tree in the sky. See, that's the kicker about fighting the illness trying to convince you that things are better off without you ... all it needs is only one time to win.

Being with sincere loving people that I know care about me helps me. Being on meds help me. Meeting with my psychologist and psychiatrist help me. A loving God helps me ... yes, I honestly let him know how I feel, which at times is mad at him and at this; yet, I know He loves me. What do I mean by helps me? It's easier to win a battle with more people on your side ... people you know that are on your side. People that know you know they are on your side, not those that assume weekly. There are times when I'm approached by the suicidal thoughts that seem like an ant amongst giants. Yet, there are still times when suicidal thought is a warrior and I simply run by distracting myself, while "calling all angels." I'm not affaid to die, I know my Savior and God. I just want to die when it's the right time ... not because I lost.