I was heart broken yesterday hearing the news about Robin Williams taking his life. He was a man of quick whit and hilarious humor, amongst so many other talents. I was not sad about not being able to see new material from him though. I was sad because a brother of mine gave into the dark torture of depression. No, I wasn't related to him via blood, but I could and can relate to the demons he fought.
Yes, I spent too much time yesterday and today watching the plethora of news stations and the interviews of celebs and reactions of others via twitter or other social media. Even the President of the U.S. made a statement of the horrible event. During all this time I heard responses that actually made me think the stigma of the mentally ill may actually be chipped away with larger chunks, then the countless times occurred that placed rebar to reinforce and even add to the strength of the stigma. For one that has fought the battle of severe depression for three and a half years, I had to say something. There are simply too many points I heard to comment on, so I have picked the ones that I thought needed some comments, be it right on or so way off.
~ "Depression is a disease, not a simple mood swing." For one that grew up loving life and being happy, I struggled immensely when overwhelming sadness began to enter my world and I couldn't shake it off. This sadness consumed me, and no matter what I did that made me happy in the past, it was not going away. I wasn't too thrilled being diagnosed with severe depression, in fact I was embarrassed. I have learned though that there is nothing to be embarrassed about even though there is a heavy stigma. The bottom line is that I didn't one day tell myself, "I think I'm going to choose to have depression." The chemicals in my head began doing their own thing striving to convince me of all sorts of horrible things. Mental Illness is a disease and is real!
~ "I can't decide if what Robin did was an act of courage or him just being a coward. Truly it was just selfish." I want to purchase a shirt that says, "I'm Ignorant When It Come To Depression" for the person that said this. Sadly, it isn't the first time that I have heard something like this though. I have learned that unless you have fought depression or have been close to one (and I mean close) to one fighting depression, you just don't get it. The darkness and torturous demons of depression are real. Feeling unworthy of any one's love constantly being hit over your head again and again has an impact. Feeling like people may be better off because of all the pain you cause has an impact. Feeling dark, hallow, and miserable over and over has an impact. I have been on the ledge of suicide with my heals over the ledge just standing on my toes teetering too many times to count. Why? In the darkest abyss of depression when suicidal thoughts come strong, it's not about courage or being a coward or being selfish ... it's simply wanting the pain to go away. I understand why drugs and alcohol come into play with those that have depression. They simply don't want to feel the pain. Why haven't I succumbed to suicide? I simply don't know, but I know. Makes great sense, huh? I guess for me, I remember feeling what hope felt like before depression knocked me off my tookis. I fight everyday to feel it again some day.
~ "If anything, I guess we could learn from this to reach out to those more that have depression." Isn't it sad that we have to lose someone to have an epiphany like this? It's quite easy to believe no one loves you when you sit all alone all day without someone sending a text or call or dropping by. Being alone simply wears one thin. I get it though ... "what do you say to someone that has depression?" "What if I say that one wrong thing that makes him kill himself?" "What if? What if? What if?" We don't expect you to come fix us. In all reality, that is up to us and nobody else. The psychologist and psychiatrist are the ones to give advise for "fixing", even with the help of meds. We simply need a huge support group of love. The best conversation is talking about anything but depression at times ... simply knowing we have someone that cares. Any type of act out of love, that may be deemed as "small", actually speaks volumes.
Too many people wear masks hiding depression, and some too ashamed to go see a psychiatrist or psychologist about it because of the awful stigma around it. I am in shock about all the articles / blogs floating around today, written by people that haven't experienced depression, adding to the stigma. There have been incredible articles / blogs giving tremendous insight on depression as well. My heart and love goes to all those that are fighting this disease. It Sucks! I know it is dark, but the only way we know what darkness is like is because some time in our life we have actually felt what light or hope was like. For me, I will strive to keep on fighting.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Hold On, Let Go
I'm the youngest in my family, which brought many perks and struggles growing up. First, let me just get this out of the way ... yep, there were times when I got a little more attention and/or "things". Some may call this spoiled. There were also the struggles that came along as well, like being the test dummy in many crazy thought up ideas by my older siblings. Do I believe in miracles? Sure do, otherwise I'm not sure how I survived and that was just what happened inside the house. We played a lot of football in the front yard and with two older brothers and their friends, I was the runt of the group. Oh, and by the way ... we didn't believe in that two hand touch stuff. Needless to say, I was always trying to impress the the giants around me by not really caring about my body by taking on anyone to tackle, or diving for a ball. At first I wasn't the best receiver, I dropped more balls than I caught. Just getting a ball thrown to me was a rare honor. One game, I was standing in our driveway, which was also the end zone, calling for the ball. I was excited to see the ball thrown my way, but it was a bit high. I jumped up with my eyes closed and the magic moment happened ... I caught the ball. I put the death grip on that ball, holding it so tight while excitement shot through my body! The person defending me was quick to point out I was out of bounds. I pretended to be upset, but truth be told I was still flying high holding tight to the ball.
My football playing days began to dissipate as I grew older, being replaced with basketball. Perhaps this was due to my older brothers and their friends being able to date and drive. Even though I missed playing football terribly, I believe part of me was okay with not being tackled so often. Basketball was tough, but there was no tackling, which was nice. My friends and I began to spend a lot of time playing and even admiring the NBA players. Notice how I said, "admiring" even though "idolizing" was not a far behind. In fact, there was a rumor that my friend and I skipped school to go to the airport to see Michael Jordan because we found out the time the Bulls plane landed. I will not confirm nor deny ... he was one tall dude though! There is a strange thing that happens when playing basketball as a kid. Most of the time is actually playing the sport, but there is also a small amount of time when you are your buddies take turns seeing who can be the closest to touch the rim. As we got older and most of us grew taller, the incredible day happened ... I touched the rim. Not far behind that day came the moment of bliss. Not only was I able to touch the rim, I was able to hang on it with both hands. Talk about a triumphant feeling. I was ecstatic and did not want to let go. This was my moment, that I had worked on over and over. My friends were happy for me at first, yet once they realized I wasn't coming down, they started talking about how they wanted to keep trying, so I finally had to let go.
As I have fought this depression war, I have had an incredible psychologist that has assisted me with learning to cope and claw to move on. Incredible people have given me advice as well. The majority of the times I spend a lot of time pondering about what has been told to me ... some advice I look at and just smile. Lately, there has been a recurring theme that I hear. The biggest message I hear is to "Hold On" while some tell me to learn to "Let Go", and then the few that tell me to "Hold On" and "Let Go." My knee jerk reaction to the last advice is to tell the person to stand up and sit down at the same time and wish them good luck. As usual in my life, the more I have thought about it the more I realize the "Hold On, Let Go" principle is spot on, but how the heck do you do that. I need to hold on so I can let go? I need to let go so I can hold on? I need to let go, hold on, let go and then hold on some more so I can let go? Now, I know the obvious is to "Hold On" to all the good things around me. That's great ... add the dark glasses of depression and seeing those things are quite difficult at times more often than I would like to admit. Then there is the obvious point of "Let Go" of the bad things in life. Well, right now that "bad" thing to me is my mental illness and getting rid of that would be awesome ... yet right now seems impossible. I used to be a huge fan of the saying, "Only Focus on what you can control. The choice is up to us how we handle the bad things of life." What happens when that "bad thing" alters how I choose at times? I can't control when falling off the cliff of deep dark despair of depression. I can't control when anxiety takes me over like a puppet holding the strings. Yep, this is how my mind works. So how do I hold on and let go? For me, I have learned that I hold on to love. That may come from divinity, family, friends, even people I have never met. Love that is shown is far more powerful than simply said. Letting go is more individual I believe. Right now, my "Letting Go" is a huge monster facing me every day. The odd thing is that I know what to let go of, but the how is the monster. I'm learning that what I have defined as something so awesome, like hanging on a rim, reaches an end. I'm learning that holding on to love is easy and hard. Seeing love can be difficult at times, compared to see a football coming at you, but either way when you have it, don't let go.
My football playing days began to dissipate as I grew older, being replaced with basketball. Perhaps this was due to my older brothers and their friends being able to date and drive. Even though I missed playing football terribly, I believe part of me was okay with not being tackled so often. Basketball was tough, but there was no tackling, which was nice. My friends and I began to spend a lot of time playing and even admiring the NBA players. Notice how I said, "admiring" even though "idolizing" was not a far behind. In fact, there was a rumor that my friend and I skipped school to go to the airport to see Michael Jordan because we found out the time the Bulls plane landed. I will not confirm nor deny ... he was one tall dude though! There is a strange thing that happens when playing basketball as a kid. Most of the time is actually playing the sport, but there is also a small amount of time when you are your buddies take turns seeing who can be the closest to touch the rim. As we got older and most of us grew taller, the incredible day happened ... I touched the rim. Not far behind that day came the moment of bliss. Not only was I able to touch the rim, I was able to hang on it with both hands. Talk about a triumphant feeling. I was ecstatic and did not want to let go. This was my moment, that I had worked on over and over. My friends were happy for me at first, yet once they realized I wasn't coming down, they started talking about how they wanted to keep trying, so I finally had to let go.
As I have fought this depression war, I have had an incredible psychologist that has assisted me with learning to cope and claw to move on. Incredible people have given me advice as well. The majority of the times I spend a lot of time pondering about what has been told to me ... some advice I look at and just smile. Lately, there has been a recurring theme that I hear. The biggest message I hear is to "Hold On" while some tell me to learn to "Let Go", and then the few that tell me to "Hold On" and "Let Go." My knee jerk reaction to the last advice is to tell the person to stand up and sit down at the same time and wish them good luck. As usual in my life, the more I have thought about it the more I realize the "Hold On, Let Go" principle is spot on, but how the heck do you do that. I need to hold on so I can let go? I need to let go so I can hold on? I need to let go, hold on, let go and then hold on some more so I can let go? Now, I know the obvious is to "Hold On" to all the good things around me. That's great ... add the dark glasses of depression and seeing those things are quite difficult at times more often than I would like to admit. Then there is the obvious point of "Let Go" of the bad things in life. Well, right now that "bad" thing to me is my mental illness and getting rid of that would be awesome ... yet right now seems impossible. I used to be a huge fan of the saying, "Only Focus on what you can control. The choice is up to us how we handle the bad things of life." What happens when that "bad thing" alters how I choose at times? I can't control when falling off the cliff of deep dark despair of depression. I can't control when anxiety takes me over like a puppet holding the strings. Yep, this is how my mind works. So how do I hold on and let go? For me, I have learned that I hold on to love. That may come from divinity, family, friends, even people I have never met. Love that is shown is far more powerful than simply said. Letting go is more individual I believe. Right now, my "Letting Go" is a huge monster facing me every day. The odd thing is that I know what to let go of, but the how is the monster. I'm learning that what I have defined as something so awesome, like hanging on a rim, reaches an end. I'm learning that holding on to love is easy and hard. Seeing love can be difficult at times, compared to see a football coming at you, but either way when you have it, don't let go.
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