I Have Money On This Game

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family where I had cousins that lived close and cousins that visited often. On one of these great "get together" events, we went to go watch one of the local college basketball games. If I recall correctly, it was the first time I had been to such an enormous event. There was certainly two facts I learned when I walked into the arena; I was small and it was huge! I don't remember much of the game, but I do remember me, my two older brothers and some boy cousins getting permission to go get a drink, or go to the bathroom or whatever excuse it was to get a break from sitting down for so long. Apparently, we were very interested in the game. The main hall that circled the arena was empty leaving it to us to do as we please. I believe we circled the building a couple of times running and walking acting like we somehow owned it. The time came though where everyone was getting tired so we actually stopped for a break at a drinking fountain. Now being the youngest amongst this group, I was always last at doing this or doing that and at times had to forgo somethings I wanted to do. Well, it was my time to get a drink and the group started yelling at me letting me know they were taking off. I firmly held my ground and reached up and got a drink at the fountain, yep I was quite young and short. After feeling refreshed and content I held my ground, I looked up and I was all alone. I laughed it off thinking, my brothers and cousins hid themselves somewhere, but after a while it was clear that I was on my own not having a clue where to go. I must have had that "oh crap" look on my face because it wasn't long before a person that worked there asked me if I was lost. I was embarrassed to admit it, but was glad I had been found. This gentleman took me to the nearest usher and asked him to help me find my family. I will never forget the usher's response, "Really? Can't you get somebody else? I have money on this game." I can't tell you how awesome that made me feel. I can't remember how I eventually ended up with my family, but was surprised at some reactions. My sweet mom of course gave me a huge hug, but an uncle of mine got on my case pretty good for getting lost. After that he truly dropped down the list of my favorite uncles. Yes, I had made a choice to get a drink and not follow the group as they took off ... that was on me. I would take my mom's response any day though. As far as the usher, I hope he lost his bet.

Through out the battle with depression, I have found it difficult to really describe what it feels like and does to me. On some occasions as I have attempted to do so talking to some good friends, I have gotten the response, "it sounds like you have forgotten who you are?" I would agree to that at first, but always felt uncomfortable about it and didn't know why. Now, if someone tells me that I kindly inform them they are wrong and here is why. To me, forgetting who you are comes with making choices that lead you down different roads of travel that take you away from "who you were." For example, I may have been quite the gifted magician, but if I stop performing or practicing I lose my skill/touch and become more familiar with the man that used to do magic. Another example, if you are a Bible reader, The Prodigal Son is a great example. A son that gets his wealth and spends it unwisely forgetting who we was. In both examples, it was the choice of the individual leading them down a road where they forgot who they were. I DID NOT PICK DEPRESSION nor have I forgotten who I "was." I remember him too well. In fact remembering "that person" can hurt because I want to be able to do those things I used to be able to do, yet I have come to terms that dealing with today's battle is where my focus needs to be. To quote my dear usher friend back at the basketball arena, "I have money on this game." I've got everything riding on me that I will get this war of depression under control, by winning daily battle after daily battle and eventually win the war an enjoy winning the bet.

Did You Just Call Me a Bully?

I remember one fine day, I was walking down the large hall at my Jr. High minding my own business. The regular chit chat was happening, the same kid was being chased by the Vice Principal for who knows what this time, I had just walked by the lockers of some fine ladies actually getting a smile, and was headed to my next class. A group of larger guys that were in my same grade was coming up to my left, but being that we were at the top of the food chain, being the oldest grade I kept walking by. I never had any issues with them. Imagine my surprise, as I flew across the hall ramming into some lockers, no doubtingly creating the dents of all dents. Upset, I looked over at the guy that shoved me. Yes, he was large and yes, he was with his friends, yet, I gathered all my courage and looked at him ... and walked away.

Bullying somebody is honestly an act or emotion that I just can't get my brain wrapped around. As I have thought about the kid that gave me a free ride into the lockers, I actually feel bad for him. Did he feel so insecure about himself that he needed to provide "dominance" by hurting others? Is that how he gained his ever fleeting self-esteem? Intimidation, too me, is such an act of cowardice. You're bigger than me, or you think you're far more wiser than me, so you strive to hold that over my head to make you become some type of "better" person. Really? Needless to say, I don't like bullying and have made it one of my missions in life to ease that pain for anyone that I have witnessed receiving the bad end of it. And yes, you would think that lack of character would be out grown as adolescence goes adios, but sad to say, even adults can still steep so low as bullying.

Last week I had the pleasure of sitting on the leather couch I have gotten to know so well, visiting my Psychologist. We talked about different things and I received those lovely opened ended questions that I so love (feel the sarcasm). At the end of the session, he told me to be nice to myself and stop being a bully to me. I smiled as I left, but could not get by the point of me being a bully. That was like one of the ultimate low blows to me, but I understood where he was coming from. Case in point, I can walk around my house and yard and only see the "things" that I want to fix that have been calling my name for years. I can sit on the couch and contemplate my life, and the only things that call out to me is what I'm not "succeeding at." I can look at the mirror and only see the spare tire around my belly and finding a fourth chin. I could keep going, but I will stop. It's very easy to stand on the foggy edge looking down the slide of depression and falling down over and over. The pain is real and sadness is real, that comes with depression. I find it interesting that one of my "missions in life" about stopping bullying, I struggle with doing to myself, yet I needed to hear it. Even though, I abhor the negative and darkness of depression, understanding (not living) it more and being aware of it more, actually brings clarity to the steps and actions of working to be healthy. By no means is it easy, but to climb any stairs, it's always nice to see where they are.

Ted The Lion

There once was a lion named Ted. His actual name was Theodore, but being called Ted seemed to fit him better. Now Ted, was like any lion. He enjoyed running around, resting, wrestling other male lions, resting, flirting with the lady lions, resting and of course eating.

One day in the midst of his running, he felt a sharp pain in his back right paw. Falling to the ground, he looked at what could be causing such pain. In his paw, he saw a large thorn deeply wedged into it. Getting up, he tried to put weight on it, but the pain was too much. He reached back attempting to pull the thorn out, but it was too deep ... he figured he couldn't do it on his own. Embarrassed by the whole situation he walked back to his home only using three legs. He could only imagine how it looked to others, but there was no pain.

Days went by, where Ted just stayed home not wanting to deal with all the questions he would get about why he looked so funny when he walked. He would get frustrated and try to pull out the thorn on his own, but couldn't do it. Other lions came by asking why he hadn't been out and about. Ted was getting very good at coming up with clever answers.

After months had gone by, Ted was tired of hiding the thorn. He realized that there might be other lions out there with thorns as well that might be embarrassed. So, he made the announcement that he did have a thorn and was struggling with dealing with it. He got numerous responses of how proud the lions were of him sharing about his thorn. Ted felt good hoping he would be able to get his thorn out soon.

One afternoon, a friend of Ted's dropped by to see how he was doing. Ted showed him the thorn and how deep it was and how bad it hurt. The friend gave him a hug and told Ted that if he ever needed anything, to let him know and left.

Another day, a friend dropped by to see how Ted was doing. Ted showed him the thorn and how deep it was and how bad it hurt. The friend told him how much he cared about him, but didn't know anything about thorns. Ted never saw that friend again.

Ted had a close friend that would constantly come by checking up on him. That friend didn't have the best memory and would begin to wrestle with Ted hurting his paw. Ted liked his friend, but was growing tired of hearing his friend explain, "I don't know why I do that ... sorry." Ted liked the friendship so still hung out with his friend, but had to remind him every time about the thorn.

One friend would come by often and just spend time with Ted. They would fight the thorn together hoping to make some head way. After the attempts, the friend would stay with Ted and just hang out being a good friend recognizing how hard it was on Ted.

One morning, Ted looked at the thorn and saw all the progress he and his friend had made with getting it out. He was truly thankful for his friends strength. Ted looked at the thorn giving it one huge pull. Surprised, the thorn came out. He knew that he had to keep trying on his own, but he made no mistake of it realizing he couldn't have done it without the help of his friend.