I have three amazing older siblings with the oldest being a lovely lady. As you can imagine, growing up being the youngest was, shall we say full of a variety of emotions and experiences. All in all great though. And yes, my sister did dress me up in dresses and put make up on me and even introduced me to a new level of pain from the use of eyelash curlers. I'm pretty confident that the CIA uses that tool for torture techniques. In her eyes, I was supposed to be a little red headed sister for her. Now before all sorts of conclusions are jumped to, I will simply digress. Love you sis!
When it came to my older brothers we played a variety of sports from basketball, softball, football to kick the can. Okay, so some may not say that kick the can is a sport; however, I think it has some hope for being an Olympic sport someday. Fingers crossed. If I had to pick my favorite sport with the overall best memories, it'd be football. The chill in the air with the leaves starting to change colors. The smell of grapes coming from our back yard. That was the sign that football was here. It was kind of a magical thing when my brothers and I would go out to the front yard to play football and other guys from the neighborhood would just appear. It was like we all new it was time. We would play touch football, which really meant we would start with touch and then gradually turn into tackle. Being that we played mostly with my older brothers friends, I learned how to either get away fast or feel the pain. Let alone be the last one to have the chance of tackling someone before they scored. My strategy was to always grab one leg and hope my team would get there fast.
Now with football coming in the season of fall, there was always the chance of catching a cold, which seemed to always happen. One had to be strategic about it though. If we had to cough, we did all we could to muffle it so our mom would not hear it because if she heard it that could only lead to a bad ending. I recall I made the mistake one time of coughing in earshot of my mom. My instructions were to lay low and here it came, "No Football Today." That was almost like no Egg Nog with Christmas. Oh the sting! Just the thought of missing a potential game was hard, but if there actually turned out to be a game, it was simply devastating! I remember falling into that scenario once. All I could do was stand by the front door and watch the joy and pleasure my brothers and friends were having. Every now and then I would ask my mom if I could go out and play and I got the same answer, "Not until you feel better." I could tell her that I felt great all the live long day, but it was that pesty cough that gave it away every time. All I could do was stand and watch the fun.
My family and my wife's family love to get together and do the family thing ... from games, watching movies, sports, just chewing the fat, to even singing songs. Yep, I usually do shy away from the singing songs bit and I never hear any complaints about that. After I had been diagnosed with some mental heath issues, my family and I were out of town attending a family function during one Christmas. There was good food, good Egg Nog, good music and oh the decorations. Heck, there was even snow. In the midst of all of this I knew something wasn't right in my head. I felt the heaviness on my chest and felt like someone was trying to put on an extra small turtle neck on me and was being successful. I did not know what was happening, but I sure did not like it. I felt like I was losing my control of how to handle these emotions and losing control fast. I remember someone coming up with the idea of the kids putting on the Nativity and somehow that was the last blow of feeling so stifled. I remember standing up and walking to the room by the front door trying to gain any control and simply trying to catch my breath and mentally shake away what I was experiencing. The noise of it all got so bad I left the house and told myself I was just going for a walk. Needless to say with it being dark out and a good amount of snow on the ground one would think I would have grabbed my coat, nope!
I remember being startled with how far I had walked and also realizing I was starting to lose my way ... not only with directions, but mentally. I'm not sure why, but I wanted to throw my wallet and my phone away from me and just not be. I was not who I was. I missed him. I walked with my hands in my pockets in the dark on some street not knowing where I was trying to figure out literally what the living daylights was going on. There came a time where I thought it would be all over and my body would be found some days later. Thankfully, I fought off throwing my wallet and phone and my dear wife called me and asked to describe what I saw where I was and she was able to find me.
I've learned that sadly there are events and even family functions that are too hard for me to attend. Why? I guess that's why I meet with a Psychologist and Psychiatrist to figure out and work on. Meds and therapy have helped some, yet I still struggle. Having that experience that Christmas still haunts me when I think about getting together with a bunch of friends, family or even large events. Yep, I've made long strides and know how to cope better, but I'm still not ready for certain things. I hate how it impacts people and their lives. The thing that really pulls out the ultimate suck factor, is that these are things I want to attend and attend badly. I don't like sitting on the sideline watching all the fun and not being able play. Perhaps someday.
