Relief meet Joy

Stan and Ted have a huge test coming up in Honors Chemistry. The end of the semester is growing close and the teacher has reminded them over and over how the up coming test is 40% of their final grade. Stan would be more than happy if that was all the pressure he was feeling. His dad is constantly telling him how he will not accept anything lower than an "A" on the upcoming test. He continues with telling him what he gets on this test could actually effect what college he would get into,which would also determine how his life will turn out. Stan studies hours and hours every night giving up social events to make sure that he is ready for his test so he won't let his father down. As the day to the test gets closer Stan finds that when he is with his father all he can think about is the fear he is consumed with that he won't do well on the test. The night before the test comes and Stan stays up for most of the night studying only getting just a couple of winks of sleep. Ted cringes when his Honors Chemistry teacher tells them over and over about the importance of the test. Ted understood the first time and doesn't see the point about the careless repetition. He knows it is important and will study for the test. In fact, he even approached his father about the test being concerned about it. Ted's father put his arm around him and explained that the only thing he expects Ted to do is do his best. Ted studies every night but also spends time with his family and even other friends. Stan said he was too busy to do anything. Every time Ted is around his father, he encourages Ted telling him that he knows he can do well but again reminds him to just do his best. The night before the test Ted spends a little more time studying but gets a good nights sleep. The test day comes and Stan gets an "A" and Ted gets a "A-". Stan sits at his chair feeling such a huge relief that he didn't let his father down and he won't be angry at him. Ted smiles feeling joy knowing that he did his best.

Being able to settle for your best is very difficult for a perfectionist. The expectations run rampant like the waters of a flood ... especially around Christmas time for some reason. Every experience should be like those lovely Christmas commercials where everything is just perfect. They have everything in place including every ornament on the tree and they don't have dust on them. Well, guess what? Dust happens! As a perfectionist everything seems so highly crucial to the point that if it doesn't go well the future of the day, the week, the month or the year can be ruined. Achieving 99% of a task is nice but the 1% gets the attention. Why didn't I finish it? Am I not a finisher? What could I have done better? Being a perfectionist is a time bomb ready to happen because no matter how you try, no matter what kind of latest version of the coolest planner you have, no matter how committed you are ... you will fall. Accomplishing task after task turns into more of feeling relief than joy. Joy sadly dissipates as relief becomes more and more the feeling of accomplishment. When a perfectionist falls it's not pretty. It's not the wipe the pants off and get up scenario. It's the wallow in the mud scenario. Add depression to that and boom ... not so pretty or fun. I am learning to shift from perfectionist to a person that approaches the day by doing my best. Granted, there is the caution of not using "I did my best" as an excuse to purposely slack. Doing your best is just that and then celebrate the crap out of what you achieve. I have found that I cherish feeling the joy that come from achieving things doing my best compared to the relief I used to feel after being the perfectionist. I truly cherish joy and feel that depression, no matter how bad it sucks, has taught me a deeper feeling and understanding of it.

Weed ~ Not Mary Jane

Growing up my family had a large garden. We had tomatoes, carrots, raspberries, peppers, radishes, and other veggies that I can't recall. There were several reasons my mom had a garden ranging from the harvest it offered to the grand plan of having her kids learn how gardens work but also teaching us kids how to work. We spent a lot of time in that garden bonding with dirt but also bonding with each other. As Spring would come around we would prepare the ground by getting rid of all the lovely rocks and weeds making sure the soil was just right for planting and for those plants that would be popping up soon. When the soil was right and the time had come we would plant the seeds and wait. Now, I have to admit it was pretty cool watching the plants grow from something so small to something so big. I was always amazed at how the weeds grew too. Absolutely no attention was given to helping them grow, but those weeds kept coming and coming. With us kids being in school about the only time we could weed the garden was Saturday. Being that it got hot rather quick during the day and since my mom was such a morning person, she would invite us / encourage us with love to get up early Saturday morning and weed the garden. I always liked waking up to a rainy Saturday morning ... too bad they were so rare. As we began to enjoy the veggies and fruits it made it a little easier to take care of the garden and fight the weeds. As Autumn would come we would clear out the garden area and wait to do it all over again. Looking back there are several things I learned from taking care of the garden that  have stayed with me. Weeds always come and can take over the largest plant if not taken care of. If you don't pay attention to the plants and water them they won't magically take care of themselves. Speaking of watering, one summer I was asked to water the raspberries because my mom needed to run an errand. Now, my mom is a very smart lady. She built little berms around each raspberry plant so all you had to do was place the hose by the plant and when the water was close to overflowing the berms you would move on to the next plant. This helped the raspberries get a good supply of water but also prevented watering the whole area, which would end up watering weeds. I really wasn't in the mood to water them but I told my mom I would. After she left, I approached the raspberries and saw a sprinkler head on the grass. Brilliant! I quickly put the sprinkler head on the hose and set it in the middle of the raspberries and watered the whole area. I kept an eye for my mom so I could stop my amazing plan before she knew what I had done. After she got home she went outside. Before long I was asked to join her in the back yard. She asked if I had used a sprinkler head or filled the berms by each plant. As I looked at the plants and saw all the dirt was wet, I knew I had to come clean. My mom smiled and simply told me that I would be solely responsible for weeding the raspberries for the next while, which turned out to be way longer if I had just taken the time to doing it correctly.

For those that fight depression ... I want to say I love you and that I am sorry. I am sorry that you have to fight it and fight it and fight it. How I wish that it would just go away. I understand how it takes away any energy you have to get up and get going. I understand how the biggest victory of all for the day at times is getting out of bed. I understand how it feels to feel you are surrounded with a thick wall of darkness and no one can break it down. I understand the feeling of escape. I understand how you look at what you used to be able to do and long to be that person again. I understand the feeling of wanting to cry but being tired of crying. I understand the feeling of wishing you could go to the store and buy hope and peace. I understand the relentless feeling of sadness when you feel there should be nothing to be sad about. I understand the feeling of loneliness. I understand the feeling of despair as you think about the future. I understand wanting so badly for tomorrow to be different. I understand wanting so badly for everyone to understand what depression is. I understand how bad this sucks! So why do I keep fighting? To me, everything I just listed are like weeds ... they can keep growing and growing and consume you; however, there is something incredible underneath. Place your hand on your heart and feel that heart beat. You have purpose! We have purpose! You are important! We are important! So what causes my weeds to dissipate? Love. I'm not talking about the stagnant kind. I am talking about the love in action. Constant acts of love keeps those weeds down and actually gives me strength in the fight. Why keep up the fight? Because feeling those glimpses of hope and peace and true happiness is worth it ... almost like tasting a fresh raspberry.

Skis and Gratitude

My scout leaders loved to ski. So, needless to say when I was a young scout I was introduced to this sport, entertaining activity, bone breaker, giver of concussions, tail bone bruiser experience ... whatever you want to call it. With living close to ski resorts we were able to take advantage of them often. My first experience with skiing was quite the eventful one. Thankfully I wasn't the only one getting ready to experience their "first time" as well. I was bundled up in a green ski suit and my good friend was bundled up in a bright yellow one. We received little instruction and were sent on our way. As we got off the lift for the first time, which I was extremely glad they didn't have to stop because I had no idea what I was doing, we looked at the hill below and were eager to implement our instructions. The instructions were quite simple ... point the tips of our ski's to the bottom of the mountain and push off with our poles. If we were going too fast we were told to just fall down to stop. We were also told that once we had mastered the "easy" run that we could attempt harder ones. Being that the easy run was called the "bunny hill" I was pretty eager to move on. As we looked on, the snow began to become worse as a blizzard was starting to blow in. My friend and I looked at each other, pointed our ski's to the bottom of the hill and pushed off. It wasn't long before we were falling down quite often attempting to keep some sort of control and no one really gave us instructions how to get up once we fell down ... not that easy. We made it through the first run a little beat up and bruised. Admittedly it was a bit embarrassing as we came down the last hill approaching the other skiers in line for the lift and the only way we could stop was to fall down. Yep, we felt like true winners! We got back in line and kept at it and actually got slowly better with an emphasis on slowly. The snow storm remained strong and at times all I could see was my friend in front of me in his vibrant yellow ski suit. If he fell, I fell. If he began to slowly turn I began to slowly turn. There was one part of the afternoon when the snow slowed and I actually got in front of him with no real doing of my own and was going faster than I had the whole day. So fast that falling down really didn't sound that fun. I saw an awesome skier in front of me ... they were awesome because they could turn back and forth slowly down the hill. As I approached them I could tell that the chance of running straight into them was growing stronger and stronger. I began yelling warning them I was coming and they didn't do a thing. Now if I was a betting man at that time I would have bet the farm that a collision of chaos was about to happen. As I approached the skier going at a good rate with them slowing getting ready to cross the path I was headed I tightened all my muscles and watched my ski's go right over the front of theirs right behind the tips. To this day I have no idea how I didn't run into them or how they didn't go flying themselves but I survived and so did they.

With Thanksgiving behind me and Christmas coming I have been striving hard to really think about the things that I am thankful for. Yep, I am a believer that you can still be vocally thankful once the turkey has been eaten, the football games have been watched, and the nap has been enjoyed. As I have paused and pondered about what I am thankful for I have been sad. I have been sad because I have come to a clearer understanding how depression steals my thoughts. I have been so hell bent on attacking my depression that is all I think about ... and recently as I have fought not to think about it I have been losing. Why? Because depression is like that annoying fly that always reminds you that it is there and will keep landing on your nose staring at you in the eye. I miss having the ease of thinking of other things ... yep, it is possible but extremely hard. Try to not pay attention to that annoying fly and see how it works out for you. With that said, I have been able to think of some things I am thankful for. First and foremost is my loving God and His Son. I know I can't see it and the majority of the times I feel alone, I know that they have been with me more than they have in my life. I am thankful. My sweet wife who puts up with me and man is that huge! She loves me regardless ... plus she is a great kisser :). I am thankful. My three angels! I love being their dad! Their hugs, kisses and humor keeps me going on daily and has saved me countless times in those dark moments. I am thankful. Family. Thank you for loving me. Your wisdom and support has been life saving. I am thankful. Friend. You know who you are. You have been with me from the beginning and haven't forgotten ... thank you. I am thankful. Friends. Thank you for offering your support. I am thankful.  My Psychologist. Thank you dude for teaching me that I don't have to just point my ski's to the bottom of the hill and push off. Thank you for teaching me how to strive to deal with my demons. Thank you for listening to me and your patience. I am thankful.

Yet, They Forget

I was fortunate enough to grow up with a good group of friends. We were in scouts together, went to the same church ... even our scout leaders and church leaders were the same and came to know us very well. When I was a young teenager a family moved in our neighborhood and they had a boy about all our same age. We took him in and got to know him pretty well ... I will call him Rick for the sake of this blog. Now Rick was one of those guys that would do almost anything you dared him to do. This was a good thing and a bad thing. We got plenty of laughs, including him laughing, but there were many times he pushed the envelope too much with that thing they call safety. Anytime we went on an outing our leaders would have to keep an eye on him to make sure he wasn't doing anything too crazy. We loved the guy though and became quite close. You can imagine our surprise when one day we were told that Rick was getting off a city bus and went to cross the street and was hit by a truck going 40 miles per hour. He was severely injured including some brain damage. He wasn't able to talk and there was some question if he could even understand what was said to him. Our leaders informed us that they wanted us to go visit him to boost his spirits. We were terrified ... I was terrified. How was I supposed to go see my friend like this? What on earth was I supposed to say if he couldn't understand me? How were we going to have a conversation if I was the only speaking? I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to do this. Our leaders were very understanding yet explained how helpful this may be to Rick. They suggested that we draw pictures of our favorite memories of him and take them with us. Imagine ten teenage boys using crayons drawing pictures. It felt strange but we did it. In fact, I believe if I remember right all pictures were of something crazy he had done. As we made it to the hospital my heart was racing. I had my picture but I had no idea what to say. I could feel the sweat on my forehead and hands. We all gathered outside of his room and the nurse let us in. Laying on the bed hooked to all sorts of tubes and wires was Rick. It took us all off guard. His eyes lightened up as he saw us though. As we showed him our pictures he smiled and reacted with excitement. He even laughed a couple of times. He even smiled at me and my picture. It was so hard to see him like that but seeing him smile was so worth stepping out of my comfort zone. A week or so later we were sadly informed that Rick had died. I will never forget his smile.

Have you ever said hi to someone one and they knowingly ignored you? Have you ever made plans with someone and they dogged you on purpose or "forgot." Have you ever had someone say they will help you with something and then tell you "no"? Have you ever had someone say they had your back but watch them knowingly stick a knife in your back? Have you ever asked for help and got no response? I would guess yes and it hurts deeply. Add someone that is fighting with depression and having these things happen can be literally devastating. Yet, no one sees. We "look" okay because we don't have a cast on our head or don't have an I.V. stuck in our arm to remind people that we are hurt and suffering. There is nothing that shows the hell we are going through, the battle in our mind ... the thoughts of escape from the torment. The only way people know what we are going through is telling them or someone that knows tells another. When we run into them there is no visible sign of our torture and overtime they easily forget. Even those closest to you don't see the demons you fight over and over and they can get eventually callused to what is going on. They may even let you down when you ask for help. Yes, people are human and aren't perfect. Thus, those closest to you will fail you. I am a Christian and believe in my perfect Savior and know that he won't fail me ... yet it is tough to feel His love when I am consumed with darkness. You may be thinking "wow, dude that is a dark scene you are portraying." I would answer, "yep." There are so many with depression that literally suffer. To them, I would say you are not alone. That island you think you are on by yourself is full of others just like you. I'm sitting right next to you having a horrible day with you. I may not see you or know who you are but just knowing you are there is helpful some how. To those that may be nervous of talking to folks like us. We aren't asking you to fix us or give us advice. We just want to have our spirits lifted and you have no idea how your simple visit, text, email or whatever helps so much. If you don't know what to do, break out the crayons and draw a picture of your favorite memory. I guarantee you will see a smile! 

Norm and The Passing Train

I have a great mom. Making great memories for her kids was something so important to her and she was very successful at it. One family vacation she decided she wanted to go visit some family that lived up in Oregon. We could have always taken the car but she decided to spice it up a bit and take the train. Looking back at it now she was very smart too. What may have been "spicing it up" for the kids by taking the train was actually a way she was able to relax more not having to worrying about driving ... and trust me she deserved every bit of relaxation she was able to get. I believe I was around seven or eight for this great adventure and don't remember the whole entire trip but have some key memories. We had family that lived close by us then that were going to take us to the train station that evening, which was about an hours drive away. I recall going over to their house, having dinner and having a  fun time. Then it hit, for whatever reason panic mode hit the adults as they somehow realized that we were running late and might miss the train. I don't know if my mom forgot what time the train was leaving or if we were just having too much fun. Either way, I remember being told to get in the car and the journey began. During the drive I remember two things; the car was going faster than it ever had and that was really cool and I also remember hoping with all my little might that we wouldn't miss the train. I had been looking forward to this for so long and could feel the disappointment starting to seep in. Miracles of all miracles happened and we made it just in time for the train. So much hurry up and go to make it to a mode of travel of sitting down for quite a while ... but that was okay. That night as I sat in my slightly reclined chair in the dark I heard a person playing an acoustic guitar that was very soothing for all. At least I thought it was soothing for all until a train attendant told them they were bothering someone and asked to put it away. I was so confused how something so nice on the ears could be deemed as a bother. I believe that was my first introduction to how something so incredible for so many can be put in jeopardy due to one's slighted point of view. Anyway, the train ride was amazing. I saw so many beautiful views that I still remember to this day. Plus, we could have all the juice we wanted for free! It wasn't long before the beverage car employees knew who we were and how they eventually ran out of juice.

I want to be happy. I want to feel peace. I want to be able to hope and have that hope stay with me. I want people to really understand what depression is and how it takes control. I want to be Norm in the TV show "Cheers" ... you know "where everybody knows your name." I want to not effect others lives in a negative way. I want simply to have someone put their arm around me and tell me they love me. I am tired of being lonely feeling like I am on an island that no one knows of or pretends they don't know of. I want to be able to finish a task or project without it being the fight of my life. I want to be happy with who I see in the mirror (sorry, I don't like Michael Jackson). I am tired of losing my temper of power monger car pool ladies ... nope, not ladies ... women.  I am tired of washing my hands over and over.  I want to be unshackled from the dark demons that haunt me! Sound familiar? I know ... it sucks. Those that have depression, anxiety and / or ocd know ... they don't have to imagine what I am talking about. Yes, it is dark and yes it literally hurts but that is depression. I have felt at times that I am watching my life go by without being able to do anything about it. Like I am standing by the train tracks being told that the train is coming and that I need to be able to get on. "Everybody" else that is "normal" and living their lives in a "normal" way will be getting on. As the train comes I watch everyone get on. I try to move my feet ... nothing. I try to grab any handle ... nothing. I watch those that say they are there for me look at me helpless and then jump on the train. I feel hopeless as I watch the train disappear in the distance. Am I painting an ugly picture? Yep. Depression is ugly, stinks and is like that relative that you have to hug and kiss that literally makes you throw up in your mouth but it's there and won't let go. I fight this and as I look at the big picture it overwhelms the crap out of me! But I fight it and fight it and fight it. Why? Because I am determined to not let the SOB win. As I have fought this over the past years I have felt glimpses of joy and hope. Perhaps a chink in his armor or I have won a little battle in the war. Yep, it may feel like a train passes me every now and then but there are a couple of close friends that would rather stick by me than jump on the train ... they get it. They get and I get that a train will be coming far better for us. One that has better understanding, one that has better ability to love ... one that has far more hope than I can imagine. One that may not call me Norm but will call me Ken.

Yes ... No ... Yes ... No

Ah, the fantastic positive word "yes." The word used to answer the question of marriage and to start a potential meaningful life together. The word used to commit that you will begin making the small choices that will turn around your life for the better. The word used to help your neighbor that needs help moving or raking leaves. The word used when a friend calls and asks if you can come over and talk. The word used as a name for a band that really isn't that bad. The word used early Christmas mornings when your children are asking if they can see if Santa has come yet. The word used when your teenager is a legal driver and they ask for the keys to the car for the first time. The word used when your young children ask "will you always love mommy?" Then comes that awful negative word "no." The word used when a young teenage boy gets his courage up to ask the "hottie" in school to be his girlfriend. The word used when you get your first speeding ticket and you ask the nice police officer if he/she can just let you off with a warning. The word used when a young child asks if school has been cancelled because it snowed ... or threatened to snow for NC folks. The word that crushes a heart when a marriage is coming to an end and the wife asks her husband if he still loves her. My entire young life I have always associated "yes" with being positive and "no" as negative. I will grant that saying "yes" to drugs rather than "no" throws it off a tad; however, overall I wanted to be a positive person in life so that lovely three letter word "yes" was my friend and I said it often.

As the darkness of depression hit I really began to loathe the word "yes." I really hated it for a number of reasons. I disliked it because I was beginning to look back in my life and see what kind of "yes man" I had become. Now, I'm not talking about saying yes to a dude that asked me to do drugs. I'm talking about saying "yes" to pretty much any request I would get from church, work, friends, family ... and the list goes on. But wait, isn't saying "yes" such a positive thing? Doesn't saying "yes" to folks and helping them bring you happiness? I disliked saying "yes" because I couldn't say otherwise. To this day if a person asks me for a favor or what have you my first intention is to say "yep" or usually "sure." I don't know why I struggle with it so badly. I disliked saying "yes" because I knew 99% of the time I wouldn't do what I said I would. I may have really wanted to help but when it came time my mind would come up with all sorts of concerns that would convince me otherwise. Plus I didn't want to say "well I really can't because I am fighting depression, anxiety and ocd." Even after putting this blog out and letting the world know my fight I still struggle immensely with giving a "reason" right on the spot of why I may not be able to do something. Thus, my friend "yes" and I aren't real good comrades at this moment.

While experiencing the comfort of the leather couch and talking with my psychologist and answering my favorite questions, "why do you think ..." or "what do you think ..." he helped me realize a cycle I still fight this day. How bad I wish it was a tricycle but not so much. Fighting depression amongst the crowds that have no idea of what is going on sucks. Favors, requests, questions always are asked and like I said I would always say "yes" while pretty sure I knew I wouldn't do it. I would feel a huge amount of anxiety before the time came I was supposed to help and then I wouldn't show and guilt would literally take me over. I would relentlessly pound myself left and right with thoughts: "What kind of friend are you? That person would never do that to you. Your word is your bond. If you can't keep your word, what good are you? You call yourself Christian?" I could keep going but I think you get the point. Guilt would hang on me heavy for a day or two and then I would sink into a deeper depression not wanting to go anywhere. If I don't go out or answer my phone then people can't ask me to do stuff, right? And then it would happen again. Someone would ask for something and I would say "sure" even though I knew what was coming next ... torment and hell. Through tons of meetings with my psychologist and working a lot of things on my own I am getting to the point where I can say that it is still a struggle for me but not as horrific as it has been. I have learned a couple of things for me ... that help me with this. I have learned that saying "yep" to me is crucial ... you know the empty bucket thing. With that though, I have learned that the word "no" isn't that ugly of a guy. He and I have actually become friends. I have learned that saying "no" is actually allowing me to say "yes" to better things in my life and that is okay!!!! It is sad, but there are people out there that will always ask for things until they are told "no." Even if it makes the other party uneasy. To that I say, "really?!!" I am comfortable with my friend "no" and the strange thing is as while I have used him more I have found that I am able to say "yes" a little and be okay!!

Mind Reading

When I was between jobs going to school I went to one of those temp companies looking for any type of employment. I received notice that there was some work available at a company that made mouse pads. Not football pads for mice but that piece of rubber looking thing your computer mouse rests on. I figured why not. My first day they put me on the easiest job, which was to put the backing on the pad. My "trainer" was a very polite older lady that was bilingual ... she was proficient in one but the other one she was learning. She and I shared the same language she was learning. As I sat at the table she would show me how to do the task at hand, watch me do a couple and then leave. Every now and then she would come check on me and my fantastic work. I would either get a smile or a frown. If I got a frown she would show me again, have me do a couple and then leave. If I got a smile she would simply leave. After working there for a couple of weeks, which meant I must have been doing okay, they moved me to another task. I was introduced to how they make a different style of mouse pad than the traditional one colored style. My job was to stand by a long rotating machine next to a large stack of paper. The paper was probably about 3 feet by 4 feet. My kind trainer was there again smiling ready to show me how to do this task. I heard a loud buzzer go off and part of the machine I was standing next to began to move slowly. My trainer pointed down to the end of this long machine showing me large pieces of plastic, about the same size as the large paper, was beginning to come our way. As they approached us she grabbed one of the pieces from the machine put it on another table while grabbing one of the larger pieces of paper and slowly placing it on the plastic, which had a sticky back. It was like she did this in one long smooth motion and she was good. After doing one she let me try, which I failed at terribly. I found out that the stickiness on the back of the plastic was very sticky and loved to hang on to your fingers and if any of the paper touched it it was staying there ... even if it was in the wrong place. My trainer stayed with me giving me more frowns than anything but after a while I got a handle on it. There was one time when I totally messed up and found out that if you missed a piece of the larger sticky plastic it would eventually land on the floor. I received more of a stern frown on that one. I worked at this fine establishment for a summer and I have great memories from it. Needless to say I don't look at mouse pads the same.

As I have fought with depression, anxiety and ocd I have gotten to know a new person and that new person is me. I was in my late 30's when this all began to happen and was pretty comfortable with who I was. I knew all the things I liked and disliked. I was quite comfortable with my strengths and weaknesses. I knew the things that brought me joy and what made me sad. As the fight of my life began there was so much that I had no clue I would learn about me and am still learning. I am delighted that I still don't like broccoli. How my learning would usually happen would be through experience that heightened the emotions of the mental illness I was fighting. I learned things quickly to stay away from and am actually still learning things now. One of the most important things I have learned is to share with my loved ones what those are. The importance of communication is beat over our heads over and over but there is a reason for that. If I am just learning what things aren't good for me to experience than how would my loved ones know? Letting them know being very specific is so important so they can help and be keenly sensitive. My caution I would give is when you tell them what things aren't good for you to experience strive to be loving and understanding if they still happen every now and then. I have learned that when that happens it's not malicious but more of forgetfulness. At least you know they are trying and that shows they care. You don't have to rely on just a smile or frown on how things are going but can be clear with each other. Giving them a hug every now and then doesn't hurt as well.